Kings Gameday: I Figured it Out...

7:30 PST, FSN West

As I was watching Long Beach State's basketball team get pasted by Tennessee today, I had a startling realization: I’m cursed. I have never been a fan of a team that won a championship in any sport. Long Beach State was once a national powerhouse in baseball until I started cheering for them; since then, there has been no mention of them on a national scale unless it’s attached to Jered Weaver (and I’m not exactly proud that I went to the same school as that guy; I mean, look at his hair!). The Kings, obviously, have been terrible ever since I started following them in the ’92-’93 season. My ex-girlfriend once asked me my favorite Kings moment and I told her about the time that the Kings came back and beat the Red Wings after being down 3-0 in the 2001 playoffs. She stared at me and then said, "You mean I have to put up with all of this ["this" being me making her watch games and then making her put up with my sour mood when the Kings lost] and a first-round playoff win is the best you can do?" She sucked, but the point is that the Kings haven’t had many good memories since I came around. The Dodgers have one playoff win since 1988 and recently gave a $50 million dollar contract to a guy (Juan Pierre) whose best attribute is his fondness for stirrups.

That's my bad, guys.

"But Rudy," the voice in my head says, "what about the Lakers and the USC football team?" It's true that they've won recently, but I only started liking the Lakers after Shaquille O’Neal (the world’s biggest leprechaun) left. I started liking USC in 2005, when they got embarrassed by Vince Young. Even though these teams have won championships, it was only because I wasn’t there to suck the life out of them.

If you’re a fan of any of the above teams, I’m sorry. It’s my fault that they’ve sucked, but I can’t stop following them. I'm compulsively obsessed with sports, and I naturally feel a connection with certain teams. Asking me to cut out one of these teams (especially the Kings) is like asking Jonathan Cheechoo to stop eating moose, or asking Rob Neidermayer to not have a misshapen head.

I mock the Kings a lot, but I honestly think that they’re headed in the right direction despite having me as a fan; I just hope I’m still alive when they actually get to raise a Stanley Cup banner to the rafters. With my luck, the banner will probably fall and I’ll be crushed underneath. Truthfully, though, I can’t think of a better way to go.

Prediction: They’ll be up by two and then end up losing in overtime because I started watching the game. Sorry.