7:30 PST, FSN West
CALIFORNIA NHL TEAMS BAFFLED TO FIND THAT SEASON HAS ALREADY STARTED
Experts blame nice weather, idiocy for mental lapse
By Megalodon, Special to BoC News
The three NHL teams in California were surprised to learn today that the pre-season is over, and the new season has already begun. The three teams, whose combined record is 7-11-2, were left scrambling.
"No way, really?" asked a bewildered Joe Thornton, star player for the San Jose
Sharks. "Well that sucks. I've just been messing around for all the games so far. Last game I played right-handed just to mix it up. And Cheech has been high on Mescaline for the past three days! Hey, Cheech! Did you hear about this?"
Upon hearing the news, San Jose coach Ron Wilson called a team meeting in which he offered a 500 dollar bonus to whoever could get Sandis Ozolinsh out of the vents of the Sharks' arena, where he has apparently been living for several weeks. "He kept asking me when we were going to sign him, and I kept telling him that we would when the season started," said Wilson. "[Ozolinsh] kept giving me this weird look, but I figured all Latvians did that."
Marc Crawford, coach of the Los Angeles Kings, was also unaware that the season had officially started. He was reached for comment at the North Los Angeles Clinic for the Mentally Disturbed, his residence between games. "Seriously? But I was playing that little kid in net for the past week! When did the season start? It's like 75 degrees, you don't play hockey 'til frozen outside! That thing in London didn't count, right? The rink wasn't even regulation size!"
Crawford, hair disheveled and eyes bloodshot, made his way over to a wall-sized white board, on which were drawn cryptic symbols, coded messages, and a King's goalie depth chart which begins with Jason LaBarbera and ends with the Speaker of the House. "Alright alright, everybody shut up! I can fix this! We'll just switch the lines up a little - yeah, that's the ticket! Lewis - put Zeiler, Jim Foxx, and my cat out there! And starting now, if the other team's top line is out, we pull the goalie! And line changes! Everywhere line changes! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"
The defending champion Anaheim Ducks have been particularly short-handed without Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne, who both "totally forgot" to let the Ducks know that they'd be back this year.
"Aw, hell. I knew I was supposed to do something this month," said Niedermayer, while hurriedly putting on his skates. "Honey, where's my stick? How many games have we played?"
There was apparently only one player who knew that the season had started. "Yeah, I knew," said Lubomir Visnovsky through a translator. "I kept trying to tell them, but they just patted me on the head and asked me to grant them a wish. Nobody ever listens to me. I swear one of these days I'm going to lose it and shoot up this place."
Visnovsky continued to rant until Kings defensman Rob Blake found his "blankey"
and put him to bed. [Ed Note: Awwww.]
Rudy Kelly contributed to the hilariousness of this report.
Prediction: I can't think of a worse team to play right now. Wild, 3-1. Goal by Cammy, because who else?
Update: Nagy scratched, Willsie in for tonight's game. I swear to God, if Kopitar sees one second of ice time with Brian Willsie, I will steal every dollop of hair gel in Southern California. Do you like your hair, Marc? DO YOU???