Kings Gameday- Ballistic: Sleek vs. Kelly
by RudyKelly on Oct 3, 2009 12:01 PM PDT
30 comments
Los Angeles Kings vs. Phoenix Coyotes
7:30 PST, Fox Sports West
Left to right: Earl, Rudy, Rudy's pec's
As you all know, Earl and I hate one another. Maybe it was the time I slept with his sister, or the time I slept with his mom, or the time I slept with him... the point is, we don't like each other. We begrudgingly work together because, for some reason, ranting and cursing only goes well when it's balanced by puns and cartoons. Things finally boiled over recently, however, and we almost came to blows. Cooler heads prevailed (his, because I would destroy him) and we settled our latest disagreement with a bet.
The bet is simple: if the Kings finish higher than the Ducks, I win.
If the Ducks finish higher than the Kings, I don't win.
It's the 2nd greatest bet of all time, behind the bet in Can't Hardly Wait (I'm Freddy Prinze, Jr.). The terms of the bet? Simple, yet devastating: sig change. If I win, Earl has to change his signature to something embarrassing for the entire off-season. If Earl doesn't lose, I have to change my sig to something like, "The only things smoother than Corey Perry's skating skills are his balls on my chin."
And this is where you come in.
We are asking you, our smokin' hot readers, to come up with some ideas for good signatures that I one of us will wear in shame at the end of the season. Post your ideas in the comments and we'll have a vote when I one of us loses in April. My original idea for Earl was, "I sure do deserve a 'pun'ch to the face," but I know you can do better.
-The Kings have a new goal song, finally ridding us of that atrocious song that has plagued rinks across the country. (You know the one, the one that kind of sucks.) They basically ripped off the "Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey!" part of the Rangers' goal song, which is fine because that is the best part of the best goal song in the world. Hey!
-If Shane Doan and Ryan Smyth collide while battling in the corner, do they turn into maple syrup?
-Speaking of Smyth, I don't know how to boo without sounding like the old lady from Princess Bride so I'm not sure how to properly show my displeasure towards him. I'm thinking I might give him the snoot salute. "Boo, Ryan Smyth, and again I say boo!"
-There's still no concrete word on what the special team lines are going to be, so it'll be interesting to see what the Kings throw out tonight. On the penalty kill I think the Kings will run Stoll-Brown and Handzus-Frolov units, with Kopitar, Williams, and Simmonds getting minutes if needed. It's interesting, the Kings have like 9 guys that can play short-handed. Oh, that's not interesting? Scew you buddy.
On the power play, I imagine the Kings will run Smyth-Kopitar-Brown-Doughty-Stoll, with Frolov-Handzus-Purcell-Johnson-Williams comprising the 2nd unit. I'm not a big fan of having a forward on the backend on both power play units, but then again I'm not a big fan of Flash Forward so what do I know.*
*I don't get this show. I've watched the first 2 episodes and the were just the worst. The acting was terrible, the humor was weird and inappropriate, and why the fuck are people driving home the day after a global disaster? I don't get shows like 24 or Lost either, so I think it's my problem. Everyone I knows seems to think it's pretty good. Oh well, at least there's Community.**
**I almost cried I was laughing so hard at the end of the last episode when the Dead Poet's Society teacher made his big speech and then started climbing a tree. Also, "I will have... a birthday cake!"
-Things you learn from NHL 10's Be a Pro Mode:
- +/- is bullshit. Seriously, I have one foot on the ice when the other team scores and it's my fault?
- Fuck coaches. B- in team play? I have 5 points tonight asshole! I'm demanding a trade.
- Having teammates is the worst. I dance around Jay Buowmeester, fake a shot, slide the puck over to Ryan Smyth... and then he misses a wide open net. Goddammit. (That's 8.)
- I'm a child. I don't care how many games I play, hitting another player after the whistle and then chasing the ref around the rink when he appears is funny as hell.
- I'm also an asshole. I never knew this, but apparently I'd get like a thousand penalty minutes if I were a skater instead of a goalie. I'm supposed to be a sniper but I keep fighting. Hack my leg? I'll kill you!
- Michal Handzus will always be overrated. I don't know what it is about Handzus, but he always gets overrated in video games. The guy can't skate 10 feet without giving away the puck in real life, but put him in a video game and he's a superstar. I think he has 10 goals in the 3 games I've played with him. It's probably because he makes over $4 million dollars a year so people assume he's awesome.
- Seriously, +/- is bullshit. I'm blanketing my guy at the point, how the fuck am I supposed to prevent that goal?????? I'm demanding a trade.
-Kings game tonight. I'm trying to think of a Kings team I've liked as much as I like this one, but I'm coming up with a blank. I mean, I hate Ryan Smyth, Jack Johnson is a douche bag and Peter Harrold is terrible but other than that I love everyone on this team.
Kopitar's the future.
Justin Williams looks like the villian in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.
Ted Purcell is tantalizingly talented and I hope for the best.
Dustin Brown is the captain, bold and moral.
Michal Handzus looks like Beeker from the Muppets.
Jarret Stoll... he's there.
Alex Frolov is my high school girlfriend.
Wayne Simmonds is the meat train.
Raitis Ivanans eats shoes.
Brad Richardson is probably of Norwegian descent and is thus cool in my book.
Trevor Lewis is a big mother fucker and will hopefully be a badass shutdown player in the future.
Drew Doughty once made a mistake; he said he wasn't amazing when he was 7.
Sean O'Donnell is an angry old goat who once kicked an ogre's ass.
Matt Greene is a future angry old goat.
Rob Scuderi is an angry goat.
Davis Drewiske... is also there.
MEAT TRAIN!!!!!!!!
Jonathan Quick makes amazing saves and has giant ears.
Erik Ersberg gets carded when he goes to R-rated movies.
Terry Murray always looks like a meerkat when he thinks he's spotted a grub. The meerkat Terry Murray, not actual Terry Mur... wait, hold on.
Yep, I think this may be my favorite Kings' team of all time. Maybe it's coloring my predictions for this season, but I do honestly think the Kings are going to make the playoffs this season.
The Kings have a mountain to climb.
Let's climb it.
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It’s interesting, the Kings have like 9 guys that can play short-handed. Oh, that’s not interesting? Scew you buddy.
No, that is interesting, because the Ducks have maybe 3 guys. Fortunately, I think the Ducks should be staying out of the box this season… wait, what?
Marchant is always my go-to guy in terms of video game awesomeness / real life suckitude. That guy murders on the digital ice.
And yes, this bet is fully Sleek-endorsed. My signature needs some personality anyways.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
-Things you learn from NHL 10’s Be a Pro Mode:
1. +/- is bullshit. Seriously, I have one foot on the ice when the other team scores and it’s my fault?
2. Fuck coaches. B- in team play? I have 5 points tonight asshole! I’m demanding a trade.
3. Having teammates is the worst. I dance around Jay Buowmeester, fake a shot, slide the puck over to Ryan Smyth… and then he misses a wide open net. Goddammit. (That’s 8.)
4. I’m a child. I don’t care how many games I play, hitting another player after the whistle and then chasing the ref around the rink when he appears is funny as hell.
5. I’m also an asshole. I never knew this, but apparently I’d get like a thousand penalty minutes if I were a skater instead of a goalie. I’m supposed to be a sniper but I keep fighting. Hack my leg? I’ll kill you!
6. Michal Handzus will always be overrated. I don’t know what it is about Handzus, but he always gets overrated in video games. The guy can’t skate 10 feet without giving away the puck in real life, but put him in a video game and he’s a superstar. I think he has 10 goals in the 3 games I’ve played with him. It’s probably because he makes over $4 million dollars a year so people assume he’s awesome.
7. Seriously, +/- is bullshit. I’m blanketing my guy at the point, how the fuck am I supposed to prevent that goal?? I’m demanding a trade.
I’ve really started to dislike Be A Pro mode. It’s just not as much fun now as it was when I started playing. But yeah, +/- is absolutely fucking ridiculous. But other than that, I get like 150 goals, 30 assists, and the second best player on the team has 15 goals and 203 assists or something like that. I’m one of those kinds of guys who actually likes it when the games are realistic (to a degree).
I haven’t even played NHL 10 except for one time, the day it came out. I’ve spent all my time on NHL 09. I’m now on my third season of dynasty mode, finally won the Cup, and my lines look like this:
Brown-J. Pavelski-T. Selanne
Smyth-Kopitar-B. Ryan
Chris Bourque-Lewis-Williams
A. Kostitsyn-Handzus-Purcell
This lineup totally kicks ass. Or maybe I’m just that good. I don’t know, but Brown already has 35 points in only 18 games. Really good, considering my previous season, Selanne (for my team) had 99 points to lead the league.
You are definitely right about Handzus being over-rated. He had 30 goals for me in 2009-10 in NHL 09, and 10 shorthanded goals. In the games, he’s rated the same as Frolov, and they are clearly not close. Handzus is a good defensive forward, but shouldn’t be that good offensively.
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
I’m now on my third season of dynasty mode, finally won the Cup, and my lines look like this:
Holy fuck — how many more times does the video game have Selanne not retiring? Jeez, I thought my summers of uncertainty were over by now.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
I managed to sign him to a 2-year deal. Not sure if in the games all players fulfill their entire contract before hanging them up. But I’m certainly not expecting he’ll be on my team next year.
I also signed Scott Niedermayer that same offseason to a 1-year deal. He didn’t retire, so I signed him to another 1-year deal. That kinda screwed me up, since I was planning on going after Lidstrom if Niedermayer retired, but when he didn’t, I was just like “fuck it, he had 55 assists for me last year, a 1-year deal isn’t gonna hurt my cap long-term”.
I’m 16-1-1 so far this year, so I’m not regretting any decisions I’ve made right now.
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
In my NHL 09 dynasty it’s the 2012-13 season, Niedermayer’s still playing.
Put the Prozac away, what you need is Rat Poison.
What’s his contract on your game? I think I’m paying him like $6 million this year. No matter how old he is, there aren’t many defenseman 90+ overall, so on a 1-year deal it’s definitely worth it for me.
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
Freddie Prinze Jr.?
I think you have your movies mixed up. Can’t Hardly Wait is the party movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Nick Papageorgio. I don’t recall a bet in that movie.
Excellent fact-checking — gotta keep Rudy honest on these teen flick references.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
The ultimate bet movie was “10 Things I Hate About You”. C’mon, a movie based on Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew set in the backdrop of a teen chick dripping snark and hate into the world? Awesome.
An ounce of confidence can carry you a mile toward winning. Oh, and Red Wings suck.
Wait a minute! Isn’t that actually a book? That’s what Woodie Harelson keeps saying in the Zombieland commercials, so it must be true…
2009-10 LA Kings Hockey: Where Smyt Happens!!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Oct 4, 2009 1:38 PM PDT up reply actions
Seems there is a book but it looks like it’s the screenplay of the movie.
An ounce of confidence can carry you a mile toward winning. Oh, and Red Wings suck.
Hello from UK
Hey, hockey’s not very popular here but I’ve really started to get into it and am following the new season to the best I can despite the time difference!
My interest seems to be drawn to the Pacific division and I stumbled across this blog. Love the banter and style of writing guys!
Great start to the new season, the Sharks looking cold then hot and the Kings looked dissappointing in thier first run out.
All the best guys!
Matt
hey! you picked the best division to follow!! not sure why you mentioned the Kings, but keep following the Sharks!! we rock!! :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)
by ang6666 on Oct 5, 2009 9:36 AM PDT up reply actions
Yeah! Kepp watching the Sharks, and you’ll find out again why their home arena is called “The Tank…”
2009-10 LA Kings Hockey: Where Smyt Happens!!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Oct 5, 2009 12:34 PM PDT up reply actions
(glares @ you)
Was that suppose to be a dig or something … cause I’m sure you weren’t trying to mean … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)
by ang6666 on Oct 5, 2009 12:49 PM PDT up reply actions
Cheers guys!
Earl – me following NHL has nothing to do with the London game. In fact I don’t think anyone really knows that they played over here. The thing with those games in London is that their so overpriced. The same happens with NFL teams coming here. Isnt NHL that big there then? I
I don’t really support or prefer (or root for as you would say!) Kings over the Sharks, maybe I’’ll become more favourable to one as the weeks pass on.
Only problem is that the live games are often on very late here in UK, the Western teams even more so than the Eastern of course..
I don’t really support or prefer (or root for as you would say!) Kings over the Sharks, maybe I’’ll become more favourable to one as the weeks pass on.
Pick the Kings. We’ve been around so much longer than the other two, and we’ve achieved so much less. But that means we’re due!
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
Isnt NHL that big there then?
I jest. Yeah, NHL does OK here, at least in terms of filling the seats. But in Southern California, it’s Lakers or Dodgers or Angels or Trojans or Bruins territory — other sports get way more ink and have way more fans than hockey does.
Put it this way — I wouldn’t go up to anybody random in SoCal and start talking hockey — most likely it’d be the end of the conversation.
Yeah, the time zones do suck, but at least you’ve got the internet to assist — helps me get a handle on the games I miss.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Ha!
That was classic!
An ounce of confidence can carry you a mile toward winning. Oh, and Red Wings suck.
your on a roll today my friend
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
-"val kilmer-Jim morrison-doors movie"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Oct 6, 2009 4:13 PM PDT up reply actions
Early disappointment of the day
I saw this on my SBN sidebar:
…but sadly it has nothing to do with Modano injuring Mike Ribeiro.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on Oct 5, 2009 9:01 AM PDT reply actions 2 recs
I don’t care. Modano has more points against the Kings than any other opponent. I think that is true of Sakic also… and Shane Doan.
Sadly, I think that’s true for about half the league. Even Eastern Conference teams.
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
Yeah, Modano’s the #1 Duck killer, too, but at this point I wouldn’t hesitate — I’d play against Modano over Ribeiro.
Ribs is a whiny diver, sure, but he crushed the Ducks and Sharks in the ’08 playoffs. And it would be doubly sweet and fitting if he got hurt by a teammate.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
I think it was Dustin Brown who absolutely layed Ribiero out in a game last year, and then Ribeiro “shushed” the Kings bench when he scored in the shootout. That hit was one of the few highlights of my season last year.
Sadly, one of those other highlights was Bobby Ryan’s sick hat-trick goal against us. We won the game in regulation, so it doesn’t hurt me at all to applaud that play.
Fuck you, Denis Gauthier. You suck at hockey... and life.
Get out of LA and never come back. Or sign with Anaheim... PLEASE??
We won the game in regulation, so it doesn’t hurt me at all to applaud that play.
A good thing for us, too. Any more standings points and we’d probably have risen to a first-round Detroit matchup.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
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Pacific Standings
| GP | W | L | OTL | PT | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
San Jose
|
82 | 51 | 20 | 11 | 113 |
|
Phoenix
|
82 | 50 | 25 | 7 | 107 |
|
Los Angeles
|
82 | 46 | 27 | 9 | 101 |
|
Anaheim
|
82 | 39 | 32 | 11 | 89 |
|
Dallas
|
82 | 37 | 31 | 14 | 88 |
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