FanPost

Getzlaf Vs the Hockey God a Short story by spade

Edit: This is now the Kings gameday post because holy fuck. -RK

 

I was watching the conan movies recently and forgot how awesome they were..the effects were cheesy as was the dialogue but I love that kinda shit....like I also like clash of the titans..anyways..since our ducks suck might as well write off topic and write a story about them. I decided to use actual movie quotes from the 2 conan movies..not all the quotes go to the right characters..but who gives a fuck..the quotes are the important thing...of course I altered a little but there like 95% unaltered..I wanted to use pictures but my work blocks me from putting them up so hope the dialogue is enough to entertain you...so without further a due:

Conan Verses the Hockey God

STARRING:

Thulsa Doom

"the Evil Hockey God"

Punishes all franchises who do not back check, take offensive zone penalties the main evil guy

he also kills people with arrows made of snakes and can turn into himself a snake at will...also voices dark vador

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf

"the Barbarian/Destroyer"

incurs the wrath of the Thulsa Doom by doing exactly everything he hates..also gets drunk and punches camels and gets thrown into cages to have sex at others viewing pleasure

Corey "Malak" Perry

"the thief"

talks a lot of shit and takes cheap shots after damage by conan has done the work..is crafty though

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne

"The wizard"

wizard with the puck old but reliable.. comes up with magic when needed

Conan Verses the Hockey God

Thulsa Doom the evil hockey had seen enough from Getzlaf...hed seen his last drop pass in the Defensive zone and decreed:

Thulsa Doom: Infidel Defilers. The Ducks shall all drown in lakes of blood. Pray to me now!!

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf :I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant me the freedom to make douche plays! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you!

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: To the hellfires with Thulsa Doom. He is evil; a sorcerer who can summon demons. His followers' only purpose is to backcheck in his service. Thousands of them.

teemu conjures up a spell..only for it to hit the crossbar

Corey "Malak" Perry: A fine magician you are! Go back to juggling apples.

Thulsa Doom: My child, you have come to me my son. For who now is your father if it is not me? I am the well spring, from which you cycle the puck. When I am gone, you will have never been. What would your hockey world be, without me? My son.

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf: No one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. [Points to hockey stick.] But this... this you can trust.

Thulsa gets red in the face!!

Corey "Malak" Perry: I think Getz made the hockey god angry.

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: Are you surprised?

Corey "Malak" Perry: But we didn't steal everything he had!

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: We didn't have time

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf takes a swing at the hockey godd and misses..thulsa fires one of his snake arrows and hits getzlaf...though wounded geztlaf gets up

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: I suppose nothing hurts you.

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf : Only pain.

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf:  I go where I feel myself led.

Corey "Malak" Perry:  So I've noticed.

Corey "Malak" Perry:  Why is he trying to kill us?

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf : Maybe he wants to capture us, and torture us to death.

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf: I got a plan huddle around guys

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf:  Enough talk!

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne proceeds to skate by thulsa..thulsa takes a swings but misses..regardless teemu acts if hes been hit and takes a dive

Thulsa Doom: what the fuck?

as thulsa looks down at teemu and scracthes his head Corey "Malak" Perry runs him knocking him to the ground

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: NOW!!! Getzlaf he is weaken

Getzlaf using Selannes illegal stick proceeds to bludgeon the hockey god to death

Ryan "conan" Getzlaf: Death to you..I shall continue to try to make creative plays and take penalties whenever I see fit..you cannot stop me anymore

Teemu "Akiro" Selanne: o no

Corey "Malak" Perry: what have we done!!!

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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