Ducks v. Sharks: A Kings Fan's Perspective

I despise the Ducks.  There has never been one nanosecond where I held anything but contempt for their team, their players, their announcers, or their way of life.  If I had to choose between getting a blowjob from Bree Conden or wiping the Ducks off the face of the Earth, I'd... well, I'd pick the blowjob, but I'd think about it and that's the important thing. 

I used to like the Sharks.  They were the ragtag group of misfits from up North, the team with lovable Joe Thornton (who's obviously gay), robotic Patrick Marleau and the irrascable Douglas Murray (from Sweden).  However, I've gradually grown to dislike the Sharks as their continual chokejobs in the playoffs has driven their fans mad with disappointment.  It's not even that I hate the Sharks now, it's just that I'm disappointed in how they ended up.

So who am I to cheer for?  Obviously a building collapse is the best scenario (preferably in San Jose since I drive by the Honda Center in the morning and I don't want to wait in traffic), but that's probably not going to happen.  So, who?  It's like choosing between Spencer Pratt or Antonio Gonzalez, Adolf Hitler or Thomas Jefferson, the Anaheim Ducks or the San Jose Sharks... wait, that's what I'm picking now.  Anyway, I only know how to think in chart form, so here we go!

# of friends that I have that are Ducks fans: ~15  Sharks fans: 1

Advantage: Ducks

# of Ducks fans that will gloat if their team wins: ~15  Shark fans: 1

Advantage: Sharks

Most likable player on the Ducks: Scott Niedermayer  Sharks: Doug Murray

Advantage: Ducks

Team that has Corey Perry: Ducks

Advantage: Sharks

Rather large roommate who will beat my ass if I cheer for the Sharks:  Matt

Advantage: Ducks

Rather sarcastic close friend who will make me cry with cutting witticisms if I cheer for the Ducks: Meg

Advantage: Sharks

The underdog: Ducks

Advantage: Ducks

Fanbase that's more likely to complain about the officiating: Sharks

Advantage: Ducks

Fanbase that's more likely to say, "What is that big blue line?": Ducks

Advantage: Sharks

Better area to live in: Orange County

Advantage: Ducks

First place I ever had an Irish Car Bomb: San Jose

Advantage: Sharks

More fun team to watch: San Jose

Advantage: Sharks

The "Good Guys" to the mainstream media and everyone else: San Jose

Advantage: Sharks

 

So it looks like San Jose wins by this highly scientific study, 7-6.  So, even though I hate them, it looks I'm just going to have to hold my nose and say...

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Go Ducks.

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