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Introducing Rudy Kelly's Home For Wayward Teams: Die Hard

I'm bored of doing the usual "Compare players on your team to characters from Deadliest Catch" seasn recaps, so I'm going to do something a little different this off-season.  Introducing Rudy Kelly's Home for Wayward Teams, a safe haven for those of us without a playoff team to cheer.  Posts will be about everything but hockey and will generally concern whatever I feel like writing about.  Hopefully it'll keep you guys interested and keep the Sharks and Ducks fans among us from killing one another.  I'm also working on getting other bloggers to contribute, but no one likes me so we'll see how that goes.

 

Here's the first post.  It's about the time I watched Die Hard.

 

Parents always wring their hands about letting their kids see "adult" movies and I've never understood why.  My parents pretty much let me watch whatever I wanted and I turned out fine. (OK, bad example.)  One cool story though: I went with my dad and my brother to Vegas (I think) when I was about 4 years old.  While we were there, my dad let us watch Die Hard in our hotel room.  He sat me down and patiently explained that I was going to hear a bad word in the movie but it was a word I should never use, especially around polite company.  I'm sure I nodded my head very seriously because I didn't know much as a 4-year old but I knew a movie called Die Hard was going to be awesome and I wanted to get my dad to shut up.  We watched the movie and that was that.  I didn't say it around my mom or shout, "Yippee-Kay-Yea, mother fucker!" before I went down the slide at school, so my dad was pretty much in the clear.

A couple weeks after this, we went to church.  For Christmas.  (Can you see where this is going?)  We're sitting there, listening to the part where the lowly shepherd jumps off the top of the nativity as the wise men's helicopter gets shot down by King Herod's henchman (wait, that's Die Hard again) and for some reason, I get that urge.  It's the urge only 4 year-olds get, that urge to completely ruin someone's life by yelling out, "Fuck!"  Not a whisper, not in a regular voice, I fucking yelled out, "Fuck!" in a crowded church on Christmas.  My mom yanked me out of the pew and was furious, first with me and then with my dad.  I'm sure he was thinking that all he wanted to do was see the cool new movie with the guy from Moonlighting and his idiot kid ruined everything.  All I was thinking was that 1) I should never say "Fuck" around my mom, and 2) I should say it around everyone else as much as possible.

 

Postscript: You would have thought that my dad would have learned his lesson, but it didn't stop him from telling me the Goofy/Mickey joke* when I was 6.  My dad is awesome.

*Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. The judge said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."  Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

 

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My favorite was when my parents made me cover my eyes during sex scenes when I was little. I think I turned out fine.

/masturbates for third time today

by ruben398 on Apr 15, 2009 8:37 AM PDT reply actions  

See parents? You can’t win. I probably didn’t see Die Hard until after high school, and I assume my dad’s waiting for his deathbed before he’ll tell me the Goofy/Mickey joke.

Yet look at me now. Fuckety fuck.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Apr 15, 2009 8:39 AM PDT reply actions  

were would this blog be without rudys father?…..

El Spade-o

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Apr 15, 2009 8:44 AM PDT reply actions  

Thank you Rudy

You have given those of us who are bored with this whole “playoffs” idea a home and a purpose.

Sir, I salute you, and look forward to joining you in this endeavor.

Proprietor of Hockey Wilderness - We take Minnesota hockey WAY too seriously.

by nathaneide on Apr 15, 2009 9:02 AM PDT reply actions  

Great Joke

That’s a good story. I had a similar experience with Beverly Hills Cop when I was 3. I assume my parents thought that I wouldn’t understand it but I managed to recreate the opening scene with my toy cars complete with “Let’s get the fuck outta here!”.

I came to the same conclusions as you.

Pension Plan Puppets: A Toronto Maple Leafs blog and a group therapy session.

by PPP on Apr 15, 2009 9:34 AM PDT reply actions  

Being 4 is no excuse for going to church, Lame-O.

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Apr 15, 2009 9:48 AM PDT reply actions  

If only you had watched it on basic TV (and it was the second one), then you would have only shouted, “Captain Falcon!” in church.

by Nut on Apr 15, 2009 9:59 AM PDT reply actions  

“Mister Falcon.” Captain Falcon is from F-Zero and Super Smash Bros.

Why do I know this.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Apr 15, 2009 10:58 AM PDT up reply actions  

…keep the Sharks and Ducks fans among us from killing one another.

1. I’m a little surprised this is an objective for you.

2. Not likely to work.

by GOOLIAN on Apr 15, 2009 10:49 AM PDT reply actions  

well he does sorta have to live with us … then again, you would think he would enjoy seeing the destruction

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?

by ang6666 on Apr 15, 2009 11:15 AM PDT up reply actions  

so you’ve established your dad is awesome, but tell me, would your mom have been as paranoid as this one? sheesh! I had both my boys watching Star Wars since age 3 without even thinking if I should or not.

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?

by ang6666 on Apr 15, 2009 11:17 AM PDT reply actions  

My parents were a little more careful with movies (though I did see a bad PG-13 sci-fi flick with gratuitous boobs called Solar Crisis when I was 10 or 11 — jackpot). Video games were still an untamed wilderland, however, and I played Wolfenstein 3D, Doom, Duke Nukem 3D, and many other fine pieces of wholly inappropriate electronic entertainment before I was old enough to know what a stripper was.

My parents also taught me all the bad words I know.

SNN Sports - A theoretical Oilers blog (i.e. theoretically, I write stuff there)

by Doogie2K on Apr 15, 2009 10:01 PM PDT reply actions  

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