My buddy Matt is a big douche bag and cheers for the Ducks, but he wanted in on this little project and wrote this up. I know you guys wanted to hear about how you're gay but Matt decided fuck that, he'd rather write about how I suck. Enjoy!
Note: This story is probably not safe for work. Or anywhere else, to be honest.
Clearly you all know how shitty Rudy Kelly is. I am sure at least none of you have wondered why this man has so much hatred in his heart. I mean, there are plenty of Kings fans who are able to function without drinking themselves into a coma or degrading women. There are so many stories that explain this mans rule over the kingdom of douche, but according to popular demand, you want to hear none of them. Instead, you all admit that you know nothing about hockey and are all nerds. At least you have a good grasp on reality.
I want people to know how shitty Rudy is, so I am going to tell you about his adventure in Mexico. Rudy is not ugly, but he is no Brad Pitt. (Editor's Note: That's not true, I am actually Brad Pitt.) Women sometimes find themselves drawn to him. Then he speaks. But one time, he actually did something right. He had sex. Twice. In one night. With a girl no less. This is his story.
Rudy was at one of those posh dancing clubs in Mexico where they have sand on the ground and little Mexican guys that will be your personal butler for $5 bucks and a thumbs up. He met a girl on the dance floor. She clearly was wasted because she did not give him the thumbs down when he started talking to her. They even danced. And then she did the unthinkable. She told him that they should go for a walk on the beach. Rudy, who usually blows opportunities like this, actually says yes. So they head down to the beach, and the young lady decides that she wants the cock. So she whispers in Rudy's ear, "I want you inside me right now." I assume that Rudy answered, "Who, me?" Anyway, Rudy is always worried about spreading his AIDS to others, so he slips on a condom. As he is having his way with this chick on the beach, he realizes that there are people walking past them, watching them. Since he is always worried about people seeing his tiny dong, he decides he should take his lady friend back to the club.
Now as the night closes, Rudy decides he should bring this girl back to his place to finish the job. So they head home, where in usual fashion, Rudy gets a strong case of the whiskey dick and can't finish. After taking the princess back to her hotel the next morning, I get the scoop from Rudy. Amazed that he fucked this chick twice, I asked him when he started carrying more than 1 condom. He then tells me that he doesn't. I was shocked that he would dip into this lady without a condom.
"It was no big deal really, I just used the same condom."
"Man your dick is small, that's the only way you could get a used condom back on a cock."
"No man, I just left it on."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"Well when I decided to leave the beach, I just kept the condom on. Then when we got back to my place, I was ready to go."
"So you walked back to the club, danced and drank for 2 more hours, then went home, and with condom still on cock, laid pipe to this girl?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
"Dude, did you eat paint chips as a child?"
Feel free to hate this man.
This isn't entirely true because Matt is a) retarded, and b) a filthy liar. I did rock some chick's world in Mexico but I didn't get whiskey dick; she was just unattractive. Plus, it's important to note that I was drunk this whole time. The saddest part was when I drove her back to her hotel the next day and she said, "Let me give you my number so you can give me a call back in the States," and I replied, "No, that's OK." I should have been nicer about it but It was the first thing that popped into my head. She just whispered, "Whatever," and left. I still feel bad about that.