BoC Gameday Guest Post: Why Does Everything Suck So Much?

Megalodon is my former roommate and a Sharks' fan.  He's not happy right now.

 

The Sharks are killing me. They're ruining my life. Saturday night I had a vivid nightmare in which San Jose was swept by the Ducks in four games, and the Sharks didn't score a single goal. I haven't spoken to my father lately because every time we talk we discuss the Sharks, and I just can't do that right now. I'm constantly stressed, and I have no respite even in my dreams. For the love of Christ, and for the good of my relationship with my father, please do better Sharks. Please. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself or others...especially Rudy.

Anywho, at times like this I envy people like Rudy who follow more than one sport. Hockey is the only sport I care about at all, and the Sharks are the only team I have ever cheered for in anything (including my own high-school football team, which I wagered heavily against in the homecoming game). Rudy loves the Kings, but he also has an interest in the Lakers, the Dodgers, football in general, and tennis (and he calls Thornton gay?). When the Sharks are finished for the year, whether it be lifting the cup or embarrassed by the Ducks, I switch off from sports until the NHL pre-season starts.

It's not that I don't WANT to follow other sports, it's just that all the other ones suck so God damn much. Doubt me? Read on, and I'll explain in excruciating detail why you are wrong.

 


Baseball

America's pass-time is boring as shit. Fans of this lame little pansy-ass activity try and tell me that there's nothing more exciting than a 9th-inning pitching duel. I'd rather watch The Birth of a Nation blindfolded. At least with that I could enjoy the music.

To get an idea of exactly how boring baseball is, just try turning on any game this season right in the middle of the "action."  At any random moment you start watching, I'll bet you cash money I can tell you what's happening in the game:
NOT A GOD-DAMNED THING.

Baseball is mostly just fat dudes standing around. I can see that at Wal-Mart. I don't have time for this shit .  I'm looking to be entertained.


Soccer

Oh man, here we go. Out of the boring-pan and into the boring-pile of shit. Soccer is hours of boredom punctuated by grown men crying like three-year-olds. The field is way too big, the camera is too far away, and 99 percent of the players are pussies. Sure you can argue and bring up the ONE British dude who is tough or whatever you like, but the fact remains that guys fake injuries and flop around on the field multiple times in every game, and there's never any punishment for it. In hockey those players are either given diving penalties or get the crap beaten out of them.

Another thing: there's way too much running in soccer. It's basically track and field with a ball, only somehow it's LESS exciting to watch. And for all that expended effort what do you get? 0-0 ties. Man , that's just retarded. How can it be possible that soccer players don't score more? The net is huge! There's no excuse for not scoring in a sport where the goal is bigger than my apartment.

 

Auto Racing

...is not a sport. Moving on.


Basketball

Our first non-boring sport! The polar-opposite of soccer, in basketball they score so much it diminishes the excitement associated with the event. When your team scores 50 times in a game, it just doesn't mean as much as it should. I want to stand up with the fans and cheer and scream and sing along to a song written by a child-molester when my team scores, damn it.

Slam-dunks are awesome, and I totally understand why the NHL tried to rip them off for the All-Star game. I wish it had worked out better. It would really improve basketball if dunks were worth more points, to encourage players to do it more often. Was that how Slam-Ball worked? Man, that was a great sport! What ever happened to that?

Since I'm tall, I was roped into playing basketball in middle-school. I sucked. I also got a lot of fouls, since in basketball anything I would call "defense" is apparently against the rules. I want to see some pushing and shoving and fighting for position out there! Not enough contact and too much scoring make basketball a non-option for me.


Football

Football players are the toughest team-sport athletes outside the NHL (and stuff like Rugby I guess, but anything that is even below the NHL on the U.S. sports scene is not a viable alternative for me). If I were ever to like another sport, football would probably be it. The military-style strategy appeals to me, there's plenty of physical play, and there's just enough scoring.

The biggest problems with the NFL are the rules and the refs. Way too often in a football game, you'll see an incredibly exciting play invalidated because some guy well away from the play held on to another player's arm. I hate that. Either call the play dead right away or don't call a penalty. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it doesn't make up for the incredible lameness.

Football also needs to be tightened up. There's too much time standing around, too many false-starts, too many replays, and overall just too much non-sport going on for my tastes.

But it's still WAY better than baseball, which sucks.


In conclusion, everything sucks except the Sharks and if they lose I'm going to punch Rudy in the back of the head.

Thank you for your time.

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