Bubble Finale: Blues vs. Predators

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VS

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Epic battle continued after the jump

So, you'd think in the last week of the bubble there would be a stat analysis to end all analysis. Pfft. C'mon, idiots.

There's actually a pretty solid chance that the Ducks eff this up with only two games left and a tenuous lead. And perhaps Edmonton or Minnesota can make a Cinderella run. Even the Columbus Blue Jackets could find a way to disappoint their fans yet again.

But cooooome on. Most likely, that eight spot (and a chance to get destroyed by the Sharks) is almost certainly going to come down to the Nashville Predators and the St. Louis Blues.

Yet, instead of breaking this down, let's rip off magazines with an asinine, arbitrary Dr. Z-inspired breakdown. Of course, this is if you replaced Dr. Z with some pop culture obsessed, low-IQ'ed stud.

***

Category #1: Most shameful connection

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Predators: "To Catch a Predator"

It's pretty difficult to make someone feel empathy for these dirty, filthy, awful scum bags but Chris Hanson's transcendent douche-itude almost pulls it off. Stop reading off those stapled sheets of paper, you smarmy puff.

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Blues: Dan Akroyd, "The Blues Brothers" and the even more douchey "House of Blues"

Man, I hate Dan Akroyd. Probably too much.

Winner: Blues, but don't get cocky Akroyd.

Category #2: Out of Left Field Pop Culture Connection

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The Predator: Motherfucker can turn invisible, pull off some crazy nuke self-destruct shit, kick Danny Glover's ass and has a mouth that (under the right influence) can look like a scary, murderous vagina. Now THAT is quite the kick ass resume.

 

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Blues Clues: Of all the atrocities I had to deal with when pseudo babysitting, no program ever scarred me quite like fuckin' "Blues Clues." Fuck that show. Hey, didn't that khaki wearing host kill himself or something? It's probably an unfounded, gerbil in Richard Gere's sphincter type rumor, but meh. I believe that one, too.

Winner: Predators. OK, that one wasn't really fair. What are you going to do about it?

Category 3: Best impact


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Impact of Blues: Rock & Roll: If Blues music was an old man, he would say "rock music came from my balls." Pretty awesome.
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Impact of Predators: Killin' shit

Nothing's cooler than watching a Lion just fuck shit up, right? Just eat a god damn zebra, get laid and sleep. Predators are pretty awesome.

Winner: Push

***

Alright, alright. Let's take a quick (real) look at the bubble so this can make some kind of sense.

6. Columbus: 88 points, 3 games left, 40 wins

Remaining sked: @ CHI, @ STL, vs. MIN

The Blue Jackets have hit a baby slump. As crazy as it sounds, they actually could get bumped out of the playoffs if they choke. Each team they play is at least a borderline contender and both games are on the road. Certainly, it would be a surprise if CBJ didn't make the playoffs but this is the year of crazy so watch out.

7. Anaheim: 88 points, 2 games left, 41 wins

Remaining sked: vs. DAL, @ PHX

Stop me if you've heard this before: with the least games left, the Ducks might be behind the eight ball. But there's still plenty of bright side to look on: they currently have the tie-breaker in wins and they play against two teams in Sad Panda mode. (Sad Panda mode is a scientific term for "mathematical elimination.") Anaheim SHOULD make the playoffs, but maybe having less games remaining could open the door for ... well, you know. The title of the effin' blog.

8. Nashville: 86 points, 3 games left, 39 wins

Remaining sked: vs. CHI, @ DET, @ MIN

The good news for the Preda-thors is that they have the wins tie-breaker right now and also have the same amount of games left as the St. Louis Blues. But man, is that a rough schedule with only one tough home game and two rough road games.

9. St. Louis: 86 points, 3 games left, 38 wins

Remaining sked: @PHX, vs. CBJ, @ COL

That's why my (shitty) money is on the Blues. Yes, they do need to beat the Predators by a point if the win totals stay the same (Nashville +1 that is). But they also play two teams in Sad Panda mode and their toughest game is at least at home, where they've been kicking the Blue Jackets around.

10/11 Edmonton - Minnesota: they're both fucked.

So, for those of you in the Special People club (sorry, just watched "Welcome to the Dollhouse") here's my predicted Final Three:

6. Columbus

7. Anaheim

8. St. Louis

 

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