You Gonna Do Something Or Are You Just Gonna Stand There And Bleed?
If there's anything I love more than hockey, it's movies. I consider myself blessed/cursed with an extensive knowledge of all genres of movies: I like oscar winners/gay dramatic movies because I'm smart, awesome action movies because I'm also dumb, and I know a bunch about romantic comedies because my older sister made me watch a bunch of them as a kid. (Except for Moulin Rouge, I watched that on my own. You like it too, don't lie!)
Of all the movies that I've seen, though, I don't think a single one of them is as watchable as Tombstone. Tombstone is the perfect movie because you can start watching at any point and pretty much know what is going on. The guys with the flat hats are the good guys, the guys with the red sashes are the bad guys, and the women are all terrible. The only part that slows down the momentum of the movie is that weird scene where Wyatt rides his horse with that floosie, but you can just skip that part. I was watching it for like the, oh I don't know, 40-50th time the other day (it was the part where Curly Bill shoots Fred White) and I noticed something: you know, the characters in this movie line up pretty well with the characters on the Anaheim Ducks. OK, that's not really true, but I wanted to write this post anyway.
Scott Niedermayer is Wyatt Earp
Why? Because Scott Niedermayer and Wyatt Earp are both born winners who always manage to emerge from a bad situation unscathed. Neither looks for trouble but know how to handle themselves if something does go down. Niedermayer can look deadly men in the eye and make them look foolish. He's not the quickest on the draw and he's not the strongest man around, but he has a certain je ne sais quoi that makes him able to go end-to-end routinely and stand in the middle of a creek without once getting scratched. Plus, both grow manly, powerful face gear.
Bobby Ryan is Morgan Earp
Why? Because both are young and full of vigor. Because they often show a light-hearted enthusiasm for whatever they're doing, unaware of the dangers lurking around every corner. Oh, and because both are annoying and I want both of them to get shot while playing pool.
(There's this part right at the beginning of the film where Virgil says, "Yeah, but she doted on the frowner, and then there's this really weird close-up shotof Bill Paxton's whole face as he smiles and says, "That's right!" For some reason it makes me laugh every time. Paxton is my favorite bad actor.)
George Parros is Virgil Earp
Why? Moustaches.
Chris Pronger is Johnny Ringo.
Why? Because both are villains, but they're smart. Ringo knew Latin and could quote the Bible, while Pronger plays great defense and can score goals. They don't need to be evil, they choose to be evil. And that is what makes them so dangerous. They have a great big hole, right in the middle of 'em. They can never kill enough, or steal enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it. They want revenge for being born.
Teemu Selanne is Mr. Fabian
Why? Both are a touch of grace in the rough 'n tumble Wild West, yet both show grit and won't back down to anyone. Both are probably destined to die while protecting a ladies' pocketbooks; of course, the pocketbook in Selanne's case will probably be his own.
Earl Sleek is Billy Breckenridge
Not Earl Sleek, but c'mon, it seems pretty accurate.
Why? Because both have a slavish devotion to numerous characters despite the fact that nobody likes him. Both have a particularly weird fascination to Mr. Fabian/Teemu Selanne and will react very womanly to their deaths. Both are just kind of pussies.
Todd Marchant is Fred White
Why? Both are fairly noble men in a sea of villainy and have tried to do what is right for years. He usually must settle scores that belong to other men, but he never complains and quietly does what he needs to. Unfortunately, he's not quite good enough to succeed and usually ends up bloodied or shot.
Ryan Getzlaf is Curly Bill Brocius
Why? Both are the leaders of their ragtag group of miscreants, mostly because they have a certain charm that the others lack. Both are quick to temper and sometimes do irrational things when they're under the influence, but at the same time they can both carry out plans of incredible complexity. They could both probably lead good lives if only they weren't so damn reckless.
(Getzlaf should probably have been Billy Zane since they're going to have the same hair style in a few years, but I thought this matched a little better.)
Corey Perry is Ike Clanton
(There's no picture because I couldn't stand looking at either one of them long enough to make it)
Why? Both are complete tools that somehow escape certain doom unscathed. Ike Clanton was so despised by test audiences that they had to add that he eventually got killed over the final scene, while Corey Perry... Corey Perry fucking sucks, man. Seriously, he's a giant douche bag and there's not a single person in the world that actually likes him.
(Corey Perry get handled by Jonathan Ericsson reminded me of the part in Tombstone where Ike says he's going to cut Virgil's pimp's heart out, right before Virgil bonks him on the top of the head and throws him in jail.)
Rob Niedermayer and Francois Beauchemin are Texas Jack Vermillion and Turkey Creek Jack Johnson
are
Why? Beauchemin and Niedermayer are both solid veterans of the wars and are good to have on your side in a fight, just like Texas Jack and Turkey Creek. Loyal, caring friends, all 4 of them are people that do what is right and necessary. They're not quite good enough to carry a whole movie/team, but as supporting characters there are none better. (I would definitely watch a movie with Texas Jack and Turkey Creek.)
Andrew Ebbett is McMasters
Why? Both have a larger role than is really necessary; McMasters seems like he's supposed to have this big subplot, but they ended up cutting most of it out to the point where you barely recognize that he was the one dragged to death by a horse. Ebbett is supposed to be the 2nd line center, but he doesn't really do anything and you feel like someone must have benched him (or dragged him to death by a horse).
Mike Brown is Billy Clanton
Why? Both are thugs that usually pick on people that are small or so drunk they're probably seeing double; however, they usually run into trouble when they find out that their opponent has two guns, one for each of 'em.
Jonas Hiller & J.S. Giguere are Josephine Marcus and Mattie Blaylock Earp
are
Why? The Ducks are Wyatt Earp in this scenario. They're married to Giguere (to the tune of $6 million dollars a year), just like Wyatt's married to Mattie. Yet they're in love with Jonas Hiller, who is creative and new in ways that Giguere can never be. Plus, Giguere hasn't recovered from his laudanum addiction (or his dad dying, I'm not sure which). The Ducks are stuck between loyalty to the person they made the commitment to and the one they really want. Are they an oak, or do they want room service?
Brian Hayward is Sheriff John Behan
Why? They're both douche bags.
No one is Doc Holliday
Why? Because no one is as cool as Doc Holliday.
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19 comments
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Comments
Great work, Rudy.
No one is Doc Holliday
That’s probably true, but at least the Wizard of Niewski was able to pay tribute to his bloody lungs.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on May 9, 2009 9:58 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh wait, maybe I’m thinking of the bloody lungs in Moulin Rouge… hmm.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on May 9, 2009 10:15 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Hee-larious, mon frere. Only one you forgot was the San Jose Sharks as Billy Bob Thornton’s Johnny Tyler. “Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may go now.”
by Nut on May 9, 2009 10:01 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
The San Jose Sharks are very apt for Johnny Tyler. I’m sure Joe Thornton would love nothing more than to skin that smoke wagon and go to work.
The West Coast is the Best Coast.
by RudyKelly on May 9, 2009 10:05 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
hahahaha….best fuckin line ever!!
Yippe ky yea...mini sirloin burgers!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on May 9, 2009 10:08 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Here is the scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7J6dRkJjOI
I forgot he was even in the movie.
by pj48 on May 9, 2009 7:24 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That’s not even the best bitch slap in the movie. The best bitch slap is when they release Ike Clanton and some punk kid bumps into Wyatt, who mumbles an apology. Then the following happens:
Kid- Watch the way you walk, you stupid bastard!
Wyatt- Easy, kid, I’m sorry.
Kid- I ain’t easy and I ain’t your kid. You take sorry and shove it up your ass
*Shows gun
Kid- I’ll fight you right now!
Wyatt proceeds to take the kid’s own gun from him and bonks him over the head with it, knocking him to the ground. I die laughing every time.
The West Coast is the Best Coast.
by RudyKelly on May 9, 2009 7:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
rudy you have made the spade hall of fame…reference to the most sacred movie ever?
i will never say you have a small dick ever again..great job
and i agree no one should be doc…..
im trying to think who could have been the bill bob character….im thinking holmstrom only cuz i hate that asshole
Yippe ky yea...mini sirloin burgers!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on May 9, 2009 10:02 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
the ebbet reference i think was spot on…thats so damn funny
Yippe ky yea...mini sirloin burgers!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on May 9, 2009 10:04 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I have a shirt that says “I’ll be your huckleberry” on it, and it kicks ass.
Carry on.
by mepex on May 9, 2009 11:16 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Wisniewski is Doc Holiday, call him Lunger from now on
Or you can call him pock mark face cause of Holmstroms elbow mark in his forehead. Or you can call him what we call him in Detroit: crybaby pansy a$$.
by johnny 2 in kalamazoo on May 9, 2009 12:29 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Or you can call him what we call him in Detroit: crybaby pansy a$$.
Aw, c’mon, dollar signs should be reserved for guys making a million dollars. Besides, why give him the same nickname as Kopecky?
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on May 9, 2009 12:53 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
is Kopecky even conscious yet?
Dum spiramus tuebimur
by spectr17 on May 10, 2009 2:10 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Great fucking post, RK. This one belongs in the BoC hall of fame for sure!
2009 LA Kings Hockey: thanks to Joe Sakic's snowblower, WE'RE BETTER THAN THE AV'S!!!!
by DodgerBlueBalls on May 9, 2009 3:46 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
“You a bounty hunter?”
“Man’s gotta make a living.”
“Dying ain’t much of a living, boy.”
by pj48 on May 9, 2009 8:08 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
josey wales!!!
Yippe ky yea...mini sirloin burgers!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on May 10, 2009 11:00 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Awesome intro
Who are all the whores? The refs?
Dum spiramus tuebimur
by spectr17 on May 10, 2009 2:05 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Excellent. I especially liked the Pronger/Ringo comparison. I think Pronger is a butthole, but he’s a guy I’d love to have playing on the same team with because he’s a butthole to the opposing team. I wouldn’t want to hang out with the guy, but I’d be glad he was there to knock fools over and clear pucks. Kind of like having Johnny Ringo on your side in a gunfight. Also, I feel bad for Ringo since he was born in the Old West when times were tough and he was probably raised by coyotes or something which led to him being a hard man even with his intellect. Pronger is Canadian which means he grew up with a natural inferiority complex and had to eat waffles with maple syrup everyday. Unless he was raped by his junior coach or something I can’t really figure out why he has no soul.
by Irish Pat on May 11, 2009 1:13 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

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