This is One Step Above LARPing

by RudyKelly on Jul 26, 2009 10:58 AM PDT

Alright, so James is coordinating this thing where people re-draft the league. It's really nerdy and I'm embarrassed to be doing it, but doing hypothetical exercises like this is my kryptonite. When I was a kid and I was playing with my GI Joes or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would spend like 2 hours setting them up, hiding them in sock drawers and putting the appropriate good guys against the appropriate bad guys, then wouldn't have time to actually, you know, play with them. I'm ashamed.

I'm picking 17th in this thing, so most of the top guys were taken. Now, they're going to use a couple different things to evaluate who has the best team, but I'm only focusing on one of them: a single season simulation of NHL '10. I want to win. I am going to win. How am I going to win? By exploiting some of the deficiencies in the rating system. We all know that EA Sports tries as best they can, but there are always certain players that get a little bit of a boost. Guys that are well-known are going to be better than young guys. Guys that had inexplicably great years are going to get rated too highly. (Remember when Jonathan Cheechoo scored 56 goals and then you couldn't play against the Sharks without him skating down the side and then picking the top corner every time?) Big guys can destroy little guys, nevermind if they're actually good at hitting. With that in mind, I present my 1st pick:

Hellboy_p1_w434_h_q80_medium

Jeff Carter.

This was a tough decision for me, because Mike Richards, Joe Thornton and Tim Thomas were all available, but while Richards and Thornton are better than Carter in real life, I think Carter will be better in the video game. He's one of those guys that you see among the league leaders with 50 goals in 60 games and think, "Really? That guy?" Plus, we're using a cap and Carter makes less than the other two. Carter's going to light up the NHBL (Nerd Hockey Blogger League) and I will win.

(Don't worry, I'll keep this to the FanShots from now on. If you want to follow on and then bug me with advice, feel free.)

Poll

How little sex does someone involved with this whole thing get?

They've never seen genitalia that wasn't their own

22 votes

Their parents place bets on their sexuality

35 votes

They were molested by their uncles as children

6 votes

They have an active sex life because they masturbate regularly

64 votes

127 votes | Poll has closed

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Comments

I was really hoping to mindfuck you on someone at #16.

http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.

by IAmJoe on Jul 26, 2009 11:23 AM PDT reply actions

Terrible pick. I only say so because I think once this league is drafted I’m one of the judges or something. Better shape up for pick #2.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Jul 26, 2009 11:47 AM PDT reply actions

Yeah, the only thing worse than participating in this is being a guy who evaluates the teams based on complicated statistical models and then declares a winner.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jul 26, 2009 12:24 PM PDT reply actions

Uh, yeah, complicated. It’ll be a mix of some Jack and some Coke before I declare my winner.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Jul 26, 2009 12:26 PM PDT up reply actions

Hey Earl, did you get that $10 I paypal’d you….

http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.

by IAmJoe on Jul 26, 2009 12:50 PM PDT up reply actions

(Remember when Jonathan Cheechoo scored 56 goals and then you couldn’t play against the Sharks without him skating down the side and then picking the top corner every time?)

If EA NHL works like when I last played a significant amount (NHL 2002 – 2K sports had the better games since 03 and I don’t have a modern gaming system for the newest ones) then the simulations are VERY far from gameplay as far as player performance goes. Going by a friend’s experience, I believe that’s still the case.

The rest of your reasoning is spot on, though.

by Malurous on Jul 26, 2009 1:08 PM PDT reply actions

I doubt he’ll be available but the guy who tears the league a new one in NHL 09 is Kovalchuk

Nobody cares about your opinion.

by brokenyard on Jul 26, 2009 1:15 PM PDT reply actions

Don’t forget Todd Marchant — the computer has no idea he can’t score, apparently.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Jul 26, 2009 1:16 PM PDT up reply actions

Ah yeah I see he was picked 13th :(

Nobody cares about your opinion.

by brokenyard on Jul 26, 2009 1:16 PM PDT up reply actions

I would have picked Ilya in like .2 seconds if he were available.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jul 26, 2009 1:34 PM PDT up reply actions

Kovalchuk was insane in the first Joe Thornton NHL 2K game. I once scored on a backhand shot off the top of the glass, off the goalie’s back with Kovalchuk. It was totally insane.

The big question:

WOW or the Re-Draft: which is a better sign of social inactivity? I think WOW takes the slight edge from a time consumption standpoint, but I’m biased.

When I'm not battling in California:

http://www.cyclelikesedins.com

by jamestobrien on Jul 26, 2009 2:34 PM PDT up reply actions

Kovalchuk was insane in the first Joe Thornton NHL 2K game. I once scored on a backhand shot off the top of the glass, off the goalie’s back with Kovalchuk. It was totally insane.

I did that with Stanislav Chistov, so I doubt it’s a sign of greatness. Maybe it’s a sign that you’re a Russian forward who shoots right?

by Malurous on Jul 26, 2009 5:41 PM PDT up reply actions

To be fair, Chistov was FAR too effective in that game.

P.S. stop killing my dreams.

When I'm not battling in California:

http://www.cyclelikesedins.com

by jamestobrien on Jul 26, 2009 8:00 PM PDT up reply actions

Yeah, as were all ridiculously fast players (Earl’s frequent comment about video game star Marchant comes to mind) as they simply get too many scoring chances not to score.

Nah, just remembered my own.

by Malurous on Jul 27, 2009 2:56 AM PDT up reply actions

I got NHL Faceoff 98 (I think it was that year), which I think was like a precursor to the 2K games. In that game, you could score from your own defensive zone by moving towards the boards and taking a wrister that would go way up, the goalie would go down, and then it would fall between the goalies glove and leg pad, to get in the net. I turned line changes off and scored 50 goals that year with Slava frickin Fetisov. It was pretty stupid. The goalies could NEVER stop it, once you got the hang of it.

http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.

by IAmJoe on Jul 26, 2009 8:18 PM PDT up reply actions

I totally remeber that bug

my buddy who dominates video games (but hates sports so would not touch a sports game) came over and I challenged him. He had no business competing with me, I had the game mastered, and then he found that bug on a fluke, and beat my ass bad.

I tried to explain to him he was not good, it was just a bug and I was really the better player, but to no avail.

by Mike in OC on Jul 27, 2009 3:15 PM PDT up reply actions

Yeah, I remember a little brother of one of my friends beating everyone with one of older EA’s patented bug goals. He had no business being in those games and wouldn’t stop using the play, and I guess he was too young for anyone to be strict to him.

Usually, when I played with my friends we had certain banned plays for each version so these goals weren’t a real problem (luckily no-one was enough of a dick not to adhere to the bans).

by Malurous on Jul 27, 2009 3:48 PM PDT up reply actions

Yeah,
it’s kind of like trying to tell a guy that calls you in hold em with 7-2 that he made the wrong play AFTER he pairs both the 7 and the 2 and wins the hand.

You feel like saying “you won, but your a douche!”

by Mike in OC on Jul 27, 2009 4:05 PM PDT up reply actions

Yeah, that’s a very good comparison IF he calls something big with that hand, seeing the flop with crap if it’s cheap can really make you money ;)

by Malurous on Jul 27, 2009 4:32 PM PDT up reply actions

Yeah, I’m gonna go with WoW there.

http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.

by IAmJoe on Jul 26, 2009 8:19 PM PDT up reply actions

NHL Faceoff was Sony’s hockey franchise, actually.

Hard to believe Sony made some competitive sports games NOT named MLB: the Show but it’s true. Gameday (briefly) made Madden sweat and Faceoff was OK for a couple years. Not sure why Sony chickened out of that, but I guess EA generally makes them enough money as to not ruffle feathers.

And actually, there were a TON of hockey games on the PSone/to some extent PS2. I remember there was some Fox Sports hockey game with Modano on the cover that was quite good, NHL Hitz was an awesome arcade-y hockey game (until they, ridiculously, tried to go realistic), their was some other game that was called NHL shootout or breakaway or something that I blew way too much time on.

It’s kind of sad that all we have to choose from is EA and 2K. Thank goodness EA’s series kicks ass now, because 2K9 was AWFUL.

When I'm not battling in California:

http://www.cyclelikesedins.com

by jamestobrien on Jul 26, 2009 9:10 PM PDT up reply actions

heh…

I remember the FOX Sports hockey game. I don’t remember who was on the cover, but it was definitely FOX Sports. My buddy made a goalie named Michael Jordan, and we’d always get him shutouts while only facing like 5 shots a game. If he got a shutout, he was first star, every time. To try and push it, we held the opponent to 0 shots on goal once, so he did absolutely nothing for the game, and still got first star. Also in that game, it would show your speed on your slapshots. A slapshot with little windup could easily break 3 digits in speed, and it would usually tell me my slapshots were a little under 200 mph. I think my high was 212mph. Eat that, Al MacInnis. Even stupider, I would always fire a slapshot as my buddy crossed the front of the net, and the goalie would go down to stop my shot… but the 212 mph flying puck would stop right on my buddy’s stick like a perfect pass, and he would skate past the downed goalie and hammer it into the empty net.

Also, that same buddy had NFL Gameday 98. He would always be the lions, and use the “juke” button to go through entire teams with Barry Sanders. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was that we were playing a game together, and right near the end of the game, we were down by 4-6 points to the Packers, and had made it to their endzone with about 15 seconds left. On the next play, he suddenly grabs Scott Mitchell, and goes running back about 50 yards and out of bounds, and then on the final play of the game, he takes Barry Sanders and jukes up one sideline through all 11 Packers for the winning TD. Gotta love video game cheese.

http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.

by IAmJoe on Jul 26, 2009 10:01 PM PDT up reply actions

Meanwhile, 2K was Sega’s franchise because EA wouldn’t support the Dreamcast (turns out, neither did Sega, for very long). Since being sold to Take-Two, 2K has now become a significant brand, publishing games like Civilization IV and BioShock.

/wins the Nerd Olympics

SNN Sports - A theoretical Oilers blog (i.e. theoretically, I write stuff there)

by Doogie2K on Jul 27, 2009 3:24 PM PDT up reply actions

No, Doogie, you might get invited to the Dork Goodwill Games, but you have to participate in the Re-Draft to get an invite to the re-draft. Sorry/congrats.

When I'm not battling in California:

http://www.cyclelikesedins.com

by jamestobrien on Jul 27, 2009 3:54 PM PDT up reply actions