BoC: The Movie! Part IV: Electric Boogaloo
by RudyKelly on Jan 13, 2010 3:00 AM PST
111 comments
Good news, everyone! Some executive decided it'd be a good idea to make a movie of our little site. I told him that was a terrible idea and then he gave me a suitcase full of money so now I'm on board! I thought I'd help out our new friends and give them some casting ideas. First up: the villains of our story, the Anaheim Ducks. Tomorrow is the clumsy comedy relief, the Sharks, and then we'll wrap it up on Friday with our heroes, the Kings. Tune in to see who your favorite player will be played by and if I miss anyone let me know in the comments.
The part of Ryan Getzlaf will be played by Sam Rockwell
Ryan Getzlaf is the chief villain of our film and thus he needs to be played by an actor with the acting chops to carry the role. Rockwell is well-versed in playing dumb jackasses and would serve as a worthy foil to our heroes. Plus, while he's researching the role he could give Getzlaf tips on how to cover up his balding.
The part of Corey Perry will be played by Tilda Swinton
Swinton knows how to play a bitch and the resemblance is uncanny.
The part of Randy Carlyle will be played by Randy Quaid
Quaid and Carlyle look very similar and Quaid knows how to be a dick.
The role of Scott Niedermayer will be played by Morgan Freeman
This one's a little off the board but the personalities are similar and both can grow a mean beard. Besides, what's wrong with a black guy playing a white guy? You're not racist, are you? Are you? You should be ashamed of yourself.
The role of Joffrey Lupul will be played by Pauly D
Joffrey Lupul (pictured here with a charming woman who I imagine is a school teacher) is a tanning pretty boy douche bag that doesn't care about much of anything. Pauly D of Jersey Shore fame will have to act really hard in his debut but I think he can pull it off.
The role of Teemu Selanne will be played by Rufus Sewell
This one's pretty obvious and most people see the resemblance, but I always feel bad when I say it. I mean, it should be Teemu playing Rufus in a movie, not the other way around. It really should be someone like Josh Duhamel since both make me uncomfortable in my sexuality. Wait, did I just type that? Where is the backspace? No, I think that's publ-
The role of Saku Koivu will be played by Patrick Swayze
This one's a little off-the-board, since there's not much of a resemblance, but for some reason I think Swayze would really "get" the character. I don't know why, it's just a feeling I have. So, all we need to do is give Swayze a call and... what's that? Oh.
(True story: A buddy of mine pointed out that Saku looks like an older Spencer Pratt but I decided not to do that one because it seemed too mean. So instead I made fun of him for having cancer. I think you'll agree that comparing someone to Spencer is worse than cancer.)
The role of Todd Marchant will be played by John Malkovich
The easiest casting decision of all, these two are practically brothers. The only difficulty Malkovich will have when preparing for the role is learning how to score on an empty net and how to fall over a lot.
The role of Jonas Hiller will be played by Jamie Lee Curtis
The Perry-Swinton casting choice was mostly me being a dick (and seriously, screw Corey Perry) but Hiller and Lee Curtis do look a lot alike. I bet if you went into Hiller's fridge you'd find a shit load of Activia. And then you'd wonder what that smell was and leave.
The role of J.S. Giguere will be played by Bill Paxton
I couldn't think of anyone who either looks like J.S. Giguere or make a good joke at his expense so I decided to cast Bill Paxton because hey, who doesn't love Bill Paxton? Plus, the Ducks could be losing and Paxton could scream, "It's a duck hunt, man, a duck hunt!"
The role of George Parros will be played by George Parros
Who else are you going to get? Do you see a lot of giant mustachioed douche bags walking around?
And for the bloggers...
The role of Earl Sleek will be played by Milhouse Van Houten
This is perfect. The only problem is that I don't now if Milhouse can sing.
The role of Spade will be played by Animal
You don't know what the hell he's saying but you can't help but love him.
Tomorrow: the Sharks.
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rudy
thanks for the truly laugh out fucking loud humor. I’m drunk, I’m going to bed.
part 4? you mean theres 3 of these I havent read?
i love tapitio.
part 4? you mean theres 3 of these I havent read?
I think it’s structured a la Star Wars. Prequels come later.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
lets hope there isnt a jar jar type character to ruin it though
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:04 AM PST up reply actions
I dunno, if we’re talking Ducks prequels, I could envision a Jar Jar Daigneault.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
hahahaha
reminds me also of jf jompe
i loved that guys name
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:18 AM PST up reply actions
haha, about a year ago i had to a dui work service with JF… hes such a fucking tool
by fluxofzounds on Jan 13, 2010 6:53 PM PST up reply actions
Couldn’t Jar Jar play Brian Hayward? They’re just as annoying.
by Mike Chen on Jan 13, 2010 10:43 AM PST up reply actions 1 recs
u nailed it dude
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:45 AM PST up reply actions
Jar Jar rules and you all know it. Who wouldn’t want to see him and Han Solo meet? It’d be hilarious! Han would snap his neck after about 5 minutes.
Anaheim Ducts
naw han would get his thug chewy to do it…but your right hed probally have a great line to say first…
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 1:04 PM PST up reply actions
Watching Chewy rip out Jar Jar’s arms and beat him over the head like a drum set might be better than seeing Corey Perry get run over by a semi-truck.
Fear The Fin: Where Selling Your Soul Is The Likely Solution
You guys see George Lucas on the Daily Show last week? (it’s on thedailyshow.com if you want to watch it – oh what the hell, link right here) They were talking about the difference between fans of the two trilogies and Jon said:
My son’s favorite movie is The Phantom Menace. And I have explained to him, "No it’s not."
Anaheim Ducts
ha! that was great … my youngest isn’t as much of a fan of Star Wars as his older brother and I am … but I’m always telling him he is, he just doesn’t want to admit it.
and it’s Star Wars … not Star Wars 4. not A New Hope. Or anything else. Just Star Wars. Don’t mess with perfection.
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 4:22 PM PST up reply actions
Lucas has said the only reason it wasn’t called Episode 4 in 1977 is because the studio told him he couldn’t because people would get confused, just fyi here.
Anaheim Ducts
he can say what he wants now, but it’s still Star Wars. :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 14, 2010 10:18 AM PST up reply actions
I wish I could rec this x 1,000,000.
Getzlaf/Rockwell: Obviously, Rockwell has way too much hair.
Tilda Swinton/Corey Perry: How did you find such perfect photos? (And what the hell is Perry doing in his?)
Niedermayer/Freeman: I love how you show respect for Scotty by tapping Morgan Freeman to play him, but then you go and choose just about THE WORST photo of Niedermayer publicly available (oh, the hair!).
Koivu/Swayze: Just a classic Rudy thing to do.
Marchant/Malkovich: Inspired. But Malkovich is going to need his hands replaced by CGI stone hands.
Hiller and GIguere: Where the hell did you find these photos of the players??
And the BEST parts: Earl/Millhouse and Spade/Animal. Holy crap, I think this post needs to be dipped in gold and put up on the BoC cyber-mantel.
Thanks, Rudy. I got four hours of sleep, I have class from 8:30am til 7:30pm, and now I’m going to be giggling like a maniac all day.
This is hilarious
Though I agree with you: Being compared to Spencer Pratt is probably the ultimate insult
Space Weed Says (Insert Generic quote about blog here)
"DO NOT get stuck behind Kyle Wellwood in the buffet line. This isn't really etiquette, but it will prevent you from starving to death"- Down Goes Brown on Etiquette for Jason Spezza's wedding
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jan 13, 2010 5:31 AM PST reply actions
Im reading this hung over at 6:30am..was drinking sierra nevadas all nite….uuuggg….
this woke me up…holy shit
the perry and sleek ones were my favorites..or maybe the caryle one…damn he does remind you of randy quaid big time…
uuuggg..shit i need to try to function today..i got a meeting with some big cheeses today…fuck probally not a good idea to get sloshes last nite.
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 6:51 AM PST reply actions
yea had the torpedo…extra hoppy…kicked my ass…made me lose my wallet temporarily and puke
illl have to get it again
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:05 AM PST up reply actions
The Torpedo IPA is the best thing to come out of Chico since the National Yo-yo Museum!
2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 13, 2010 10:25 AM PST up reply actions
am i the only dumbass that cant operate a yo-yo?
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:31 AM PST up reply actions
Where the hell did you find those picture? I can’t wait to see what you come up with for the Sharks tomorrow. Great post. That picture of Perry(?) is fucking horrifying…… Look at the way he’s glaring at the camera. [shiver]
You know, at first I didn’t think Tilda Swinton had the acting capabilties to pull off that level of douche. I mean, that is a DEMANDING level of douche. But she’s classically trained. With the right motivation, she could pull it off nicely. I was going to suggest Alan Rickman (Snape from Harry Potter). Classically trained and plays a big bag of dick nicely. Swinton looks more the part though.
wonder were shes gonna practice her goalie running skills
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:06 AM PST up reply actions
Oh good lord. I laughed so hard I frightened my loved ones, my neighbors, and my dog. Umm, that’s not so unusual. But the brilliance of this is without question. It deserves three Rosetta erasers and five thousand Montezuma sundial watches at least.
I honestly thought Marchant was Alton Brown at first! And I definitely see the little green arrow travelling through Hiller’s bowels. Where on earth did you get that pic of the My Little Parros Doll?
Tilda is a classy bitch, though. Oh right, acting.
Favorite part’s gotta be the end, though. Hats off to you, Rudy.
Shuckton 2028!
Holy Jeebus, this made my morning.
I second Grace’s point about Rockwell having too much hair. I suggest Dr. Phil as Ryan Getzlaf. They’re both big, bald and annoying.
For Marchant, I go with Evan Handler from Californication. Look him up if you’ve never seen the show.
And Animal as Spade? The only other possible person that could play Spade is the Tasmanian Devil.
The only other possible person that could play Spade is the Tasmanian Devil
everyone says i look like duff from ace of cakes
pretty much excpet i dont have bushy eyebrows…dear gawd trim those thing brotha
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:09 AM PST up reply actions
he plays bass too…
i cant bake a cake for shit though..but i do cook well
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:15 AM PST up reply actions
i guess they watch that show a lot in pittsburgh cuz i got hit up like 5 times while i was there…stupid didnt take advantage and get a free drink or somthing..
wonder if it could get me some tail? hmmmm
maybe i should walk around in a chef uniform to sell it and try it out
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:21 AM PST up reply actions
I just envision you wandering around clubs offering to squirt your frosting on every girl.
Could work.
Shuckton 2028!
you are a genius
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 1:14 PM PST up reply actions
its all part of the dance…take notes brokenyard
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 2:39 PM PST up reply actions
How 2 Get a Drink Pored in Your Lap in 1 Eazy Lesson
By Prof. s. i. VICTORHELL
Chapter One
“it wuz the closest anyone had gotten to my crotchrocket in months…my axe body spray must be working.”
Shuckton 2028!
Chapter two
“how to get that girl to slurp up the drink she just poured on your crotch”
convince the young lady that wasting acholol will send you straight to hell and make your hips bigger and marvel when she imeditaly goes to work…proceed to pop a boner and mention that some of the alchol had seeped thru and she was too get “all of it” for the above not to happen
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 7:40 AM PST up reply actions
so you are referring to “stupid young lady” I am assuming … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 14, 2010 10:19 AM PST up reply actions
thats why gawd invented acholhol…makes even the smart ones stupid :-)
woot woot
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 10:36 AM PST up reply actions
“Alcholol” getting spade laid since 1993
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 11:04 AM PST up reply actions
cause he sends us naked pics … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 4:23 PM PST up reply actions
that reminds me..did i send u the latest one with buttless chaps?
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 7:41 AM PST up reply actions
nope … just the ones of you with the stuffed animals on the bed
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 14, 2010 10:20 AM PST up reply actions
maybe i should walk around in a chef uniform to sell it and try it out
Spade: As with masturbation, if you don’t try this you’re only cheating yourself.
As for the rest of this post, I need to change my diaper and flush beer out of my sinuses now. Jesus this was amazing.
Lighthouse Hockey: Under contract through 2021, knees and hips be damned.
i almost did a show trying this..i did a haloween show last year and I was gonna rock a chef outfit and write “im not Duff” on my arms…probally too late now im not sure if the show is still on…
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 7:43 AM PST up reply actions
Oh it’s on. Don’t know if they’re still making new ones, but they show it enough that I have to negotiate domestic TV rights between that and hockey. My “But hockey needs to be seen in real-time!” argument wears thin by this point in the season.
Lighthouse Hockey: Under contract through 2021, knees and hips be damned.
your an islanders fan right? yea….watching in real time isnt that important….
although its gotta be fun to watch okposo and taveras right?
ill pull this off and take a pic..stay tuned…
(ill black out the eyes..i still want my secret identity somewhat maintained)
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 10:31 AM PST up reply actions
do u feel me choking u?…hehe..what i could do with darth vaders powers oh boy
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:30 AM PST up reply actions
i was testing out my vader abilities….apprently they arent working thanks for letting me know..
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:43 AM PST up reply actions
and no i dont realyl want to choke u…just joking..im sexcrazed lover not a fighter
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:45 AM PST up reply actions
Good points about the hair. Dr. Phil isn’t a mouthbreather, though.
I see him more as a peanut M&M.
Shuckton 2028!
The resemblance is uncanny.
Although I always thought Getzlaf looked like Freddy Mercuy from Queen.
Don't bRuin your life. Practice safe sex. Make love with a Trojan
not bad i can see it
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 14, 2010 7:43 AM PST up reply actions
I have to write a gameday post after this?! I guess I’ll mention that you left out Bobby Ryan, and a pal of mine (uh, let’s call him “Bart”) has been bugging me to do a separated-at-birth post about that Ducks winger. “Bart” is quite insistent that B-Ry and Scarlett Johansson are look-alikes, mostly based on their lips.
I don’t know if I did a good enough image search to really drive it home, but here’s one side-by-side.
Those lips! Is “Bart” onto something?
And I like your Marchant comparable better than my old one.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
And really, the difference between “Stone Hands” and “Clay Hands” is pretty minimal.
http://www.battleofcali.com/
muahahahahahaha/////so leprechaun teehee
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:10 AM PST up reply actions
spot on….
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:10 AM PST up reply actions
depends if bobby gets us into the playoffs or not
scarlett is and underappreciated sex symbol
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 1:02 PM PST up reply actions
The Sharks are the clumsy comedy relief?? Who is writing this?? I want a re-write!!! The Sharks should be the heroes – everyone knows that.
(great stuff Rudy)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 9:32 AM PST reply actions
frida
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:43 AM PST up reply actions
For the supporting role of locker room hangabout Rob Niedermayer, may I suggest a cameo appearance by….
…the incomparable Stephen Baldwin!
2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 13, 2010 9:35 AM PST reply actions
Heh, Rob’s gone, but if that’s legal, then who’d be a suitable actor for Kyle Calder?
http://www.battleofcali.com/
a pile of poop would be sufficent
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 9:42 AM PST up reply actions
no whitney is a pile of used tampons….
makes sense there completely useless.
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:11 AM PST up reply actions
funny you just put that up .. I’m working from home today, so of course put in a movie … Crank with Jason Statham.
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 9:58 AM PST up reply actions
Have you seen The Bank Job with Jason Statham? Great movie and far higher quality than the usual action flicks he does.
hmmmm … don’t recall … I’ll have to add it to my netflix
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 10:48 AM PST up reply actions
“True story: A buddy of mine pointed out that Saku looks like an older Spencer Pratt but I decided not to do that one because it seemed too mean. So instead I made fun of him for having cancer. I think you’ll agree that comparing someone to Spencer is worse than cancer.”
When I saw the picture of Swayze I thought, “Ouch”. After reading the above addendum I have to nod my head in agreement. I’m ashamed that I might have equated Spencer with cancer in the past, but clearly he is worse.
hence why rudy is joining me in hell
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:12 AM PST up reply actions
This is great, especially the parts that I wrote for Rudy. I’m a funny guy.
Haha – cancer.
Never go to the South for any reason.
i applaud perry..looks like he paid a bet as well
"I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 10:16 AM PST reply actions
he was good in the wolverine movie….
good call though
"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 13, 2010 2:38 PM PST up reply actions
Kneel before Zod!
2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 13, 2010 3:56 PM PST up reply actions
love that quote!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
by ang6666 on Jan 13, 2010 4:24 PM PST up reply actions
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Pacific Standings
| GP | W | L | OTL | PT | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
San Jose
|
82 | 51 | 20 | 11 | 113 |
|
Phoenix
|
82 | 50 | 25 | 7 | 107 |
|
Los Angeles
|
82 | 46 | 27 | 9 | 101 |
|
Anaheim
|
82 | 39 | 32 | 11 | 89 |
|
Dallas
|
82 | 37 | 31 | 14 | 88 |
(updated 4.12.2010 at 6:21 AM PDT)
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