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BoC: The Movie, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume II: The Smell of Fear

Alright, so I got a call from my producer friend and he told me that we should really try to get a lot of animation and CGI.  His exact words were, "Make your movie more like Avatar."  So I complied, first by dumbing down the script so it read like an excitable 14 year-old's fantasy scribblings, then by making our good guys in this story all animated.  Enjoy!  Or don't, I'm fucking tired of making all these pictures.

Anze_kopitar_portrait_medium

The role of Anze Kopitar will be played by Meeko

We need a happy-go-lucky raccoon that loves to eat pancakes.  Sounds about right!

200px-michal_handzus_medium

The role of Michal Handzus will be played by Scrat

You can't really understand what he's saying but his nervous habits never stop making you laugh.

Star-divide

Fro_medium

The role of Alexander Frolov will be played by Flower

Frolov's a gentle soul in a wild place, just like Flower.  We may need Flower to butch it up a little though because Jesus Christ is he queer in Bambi.

Img_0833_105821_medium

The role of Jack Johnson will be played by Gaston

The role calls for a big dumb idiot that everyone seems to fawn all over for some reason despite his obvious flaws.  Gaston seemed perfect.

Simmonds_medium

The role of Wayne Simmonds will be played by Puss 'n Boots

They're both dashing rogues that play by their own set of rules.  ...What's wrong?  Wait, you thought it should have been Donkey, didn't you?  Just because he's black?  Or better yet, why not Michigan J. Frog, you son of a bitch!  Jeez, you got a lot of growing up to do, mister.  You know what, just get the hell out of here, I bet you have a cross burning to go to.

Brown_medium

The role of Dustin Brown will be played by Spike

I've said this one before but to me it's perfect.  The both posses the same lazy-lidded expression, a fondness for leaves, and a penchant for falling down easily.  The best call on the list if you ask me.

Greene_medium

The role of Matt Greene will be played by Kronk

Kronk seems right since he's a big dumb guy that means well but usually fucks up.  Plus, I have it on good authority that Matt Greene hates llamas.  As well he should.  Fucking camels of the Andes, that's all llamas are.

230px-oscarmoller_medium

The role of Oscar Moller will be played by The Brave Lil' Toaster

The odds may be against him, but Goddammit that little guy is going to give it his best shot.

(Oscar Moller should wear a cape when he plays.  It would make it that much funnier when he gets destroyed again.)

Terry-murray_medium

The roles of Terry Murray, Scott Parse and Jamie Kompon will be played by the crows from Dumbo

Because they look like birds, you see...

Grimes-greene-doughty_medium

The role of Drew Doughty will be played by Winnie the Pooh

This one doesn't really make sense since Doughty isn't fat anymore, but Megalodon came up with it and I'll be damned if it doesn't make me laugh every time.

Odonnell_medium

The role of Sean O'Donnell will be played by Launchpad McQuack

It was the only cartoon character I could find with a big enough chin.

Lombardi_medium

The role of Dean Lombardi will be played by Hank Scorpio

Dean might be a magnanimous general manager, only out to do what's best for his team... or he may be an egomaniacal lunatic bent on world domination.  I'm not sure which.

_40250409_donald2_medium

The role of nut will be played by Donald Duck

Both are angry losers that never wear pants.  Why is it that a woman wearing a shirt and nothing else is hot as hell while a man wearing a shirt and nothing else is hilarious and gross?  Boobs, I guess.  Somehow it always comes back to boobs.

Syndrome_medium

The role of Rudy Kelly will be played by Sydrome

A pathetic loser who envies people far superior to them, this character uses what little talent he does possess to try to destroy the men he once idolized in a vain effort to rid himself of his massive inferiority complex.  This character's a sad, pathetic loser with no redeeming qualities.


(Hey, that's not funny.)

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Comments

Display:

You are TOTALLY Syndrome. Especially with that deleted scenes where he molests children.

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Jan 15, 2010 1:55 PM PST reply actions  

And by scenes I meant scene, obviously. Fuck you, pedophile.

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Jan 15, 2010 1:55 PM PST up reply actions  

I should have said you would be played by Joe Estevez because then you would have disappeared by the time I finished this.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 15, 2010 2:15 PM PST up reply actions  

I’m still in the movie you know – you might not think I am but I am!

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Jan 15, 2010 2:48 PM PST up reply actions  

Stuart Townsend

by Nut on Jan 15, 2010 2:56 PM PST up reply actions  

Why is it that a woman wearing a shirt and nothing else is hot as hell while a man wearing a shirt and nothing else is hilarious and gross?

Cause men are gross and smelly and hairy. hmmmm maybe I’ll become lezzy.

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin

by ang6666 on Jan 15, 2010 2:11 PM PST reply actions  

Call me.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 2:12 PM PST up reply actions  

ha ha!

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin

by ang6666 on Jan 15, 2010 2:19 PM PST up reply actions  

Visiting this site is like going into a men’s restroom — you know what to expect, but it’s somehow smellier and grosser than you could ever imagine.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m reconsidering everything.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 2:32 PM PST up reply actions  

There are many people of both genders who look gross and hilarious when wearing a shirt and nothing else.

by Mike Chen on Jan 15, 2010 2:21 PM PST up reply actions  

Don’t forget the black socks. They’re a must when not wearing pants.

by Nut on Jan 15, 2010 2:23 PM PST up reply actions  

Also: pelvic thrusts. Violent pelvic thrusts.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 15, 2010 2:26 PM PST up reply actions  

Ah, Hank Scorpio.

“But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot.”

Brilliant stuff Rudy. This ranks up there somewhere between the original Star Wars trilogy and the Back to the Future series.

by Mike Chen on Jan 15, 2010 2:24 PM PST reply actions  

My favorite Scorpio moment is when Homer asks him for sugar and Scorpio gives him a handful from his pocket and then says, “Sorry it’s not in packets.”

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 15, 2010 2:25 PM PST up reply actions  

Quit stealing my moments!

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Jan 15, 2010 2:49 PM PST up reply actions  

Fuck you, your favorite part is probably where they talk about where to buy hammocks.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 15, 2010 2:55 PM PST up reply actions  

Oh, the hammock district.

Never go to the South for any reason.

by Megalodon on Jan 15, 2010 3:45 PM PST up reply actions  

And I can’t believe you know about the Brave Little Toaster, but that is 100% win. And poor, misunderstood little Flower. I’d like to believe that amongst Russians he has an alter ego of Pepe Le Peu.

This character’s a sad, pathetic loser with no redeeming qualities.

Who also has a CAPE OBSESSION—!

Aww, we love you, Rudy. Congrats to you and the whole Meg-Nut-RK team on another matchless production.

Fellow BoCers, if you enjoyed this film, please donate a bit to the Red Cross and give Rudy a much needed boost in self esteem, so he will stop building yet more killer robots. Or set up a cape fund.

Also, I’m really glad that Bailey wears pants.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 2:28 PM PST reply actions  

Brave Little Toaster was an epic film. And its message worked: I’ve never left appliances behind when I’ve moved out of places.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Jan 15, 2010 2:34 PM PST up reply actions  

But it makes visiting a Salvation Army store like going to the pound. :(

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 2:41 PM PST up reply actions  

The role of Randy Jones should definitely be played by Billy Kincaid…

2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!

by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 15, 2010 2:38 PM PST reply actions  

This is who I was going to put as Randy but I forgot...

Don’t put your head down or he’ll leave you, and your laundry, out to dry. *splish splash

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 15, 2010 2:43 PM PST reply actions  

I saw Brown’s and was like “there is no way he can top that,” and then saw Moller’s. Brilliant. The Brave Little Toaster is one of the few great movies from the 80s.

by Donzo on Jan 15, 2010 2:47 PM PST reply actions  

I take issue with that. The 80’s sucked major balls (music, clothes) but one area (other than cartoons) where it excelled is movies. And Brave Little Toaster is not very high on that list. (I mean, American Tail is far superior)

by Nut on Jan 15, 2010 3:01 PM PST up reply actions  

Randy Jones III

Not a cartoon, but practically. For any of you ladies who may remember Sweet Valley High:

The date-rapist boob toucher who is always making dumbass moves, and yet manages to score a lot. Credit to Rudy’s heckling and The Dairi Burger.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 3:20 PM PST reply actions  

Almost forgot this one, I’ve thought it for years: Jim Fox as Barney.

In the Stone Age, replay was Rubble-mo.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 4:35 PM PST reply actions  

hah

i’ve thought of this too

I'm nobody's fool, least of all yours

by BoulderDodger on Jan 15, 2010 4:52 PM PST up reply actions  

This is who I pictured as Foxy:

I guess it’s the eyes

by Nut on Jan 15, 2010 4:43 PM PST reply actions  

They both share a cute beadiness. So…perky!

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 5:25 PM PST up reply actions  

ah Oscar Moller as the brave little toaster. Does this make Bobby Ryan the giant magnet?

I'm nobody's fool, least of all yours

by BoulderDodger on Jan 15, 2010 4:56 PM PST reply actions  

too soon!

2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!

by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 15, 2010 5:07 PM PST up reply actions  

Raitis

Too easy? Man, I love me some Looney Tunes.

Dear mom, tomorrow I promise to volunteer for the homeless and only visit SCOTUSblog.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 15, 2010 5:55 PM PST reply actions  

Will any BoC’ers be at Staples Center for tomorrow afternoon’s tilt against the Bruins? I’ll be in section 108 with three annoying chowder heads. I may or may not have a Meat Train sign, but stop by and say hello if you’re there!

2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!

by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 15, 2010 6:11 PM PST reply actions  

Justin Williams?

or?

2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!

by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 15, 2010 6:19 PM PST reply actions  

that is fucking hilarious

I'm nobody's fool, least of all yours

by BoulderDodger on Jan 15, 2010 9:00 PM PST up reply actions  

Applause!

Let me just channel an insane Kings fan on the internets for a mo…

“IT’S WILLIE’S FAULT HE’S INJURY PRONE”
“WHY DOESN’T THAT CRIPPLE JUST MAN UP AND USE HIS LEGS OMG”

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 16, 2010 1:24 PM PST up reply actions  

Patrick O’Neil???

2009-10 Kings Hockey: Delivering Milk Steaks from the Meat Train at an arena near you!

by DodgerBlueBalls on Jan 15, 2010 6:24 PM PST reply actions  

great conclusion rudy

"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 15, 2010 6:33 PM PST reply actions  

oh and fuck the kings

"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 15, 2010 6:33 PM PST reply actions  

its the weekend…i dont bother to think real hard on the weekends

"I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable."
Jim Morrison quote

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jan 15, 2010 11:20 PM PST up reply actions  

I haven’t seen it, and don’t even know that much about it, but I just assume Avatar is a modern-day re-telling of the Smurfs saga.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Jan 16, 2010 7:21 AM PST up reply actions  

I thought it kind of sucked but then again I was the only one in my party who felt that way. Plus I’m kind of a movie snob so it could just be me.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 16, 2010 10:53 AM PST up reply actions  

It was a pretty standard plot, but the visuals amazed me.

Anaheim Ducts

by brokenyard on Jan 16, 2010 1:04 PM PST up reply actions  

I look in a mirror when I want to see something beautiful but I get tired of that after, oh, 60-70 minutes.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 16, 2010 1:06 PM PST up reply actions  

I heard it’s also exactly like Pocahantas.

Now dwelling in Margaritaville

by Niesy on Jan 16, 2010 1:22 PM PST up reply actions  

Pocahantas+Ferngully+The Emerald Forest/Aliens=Avatar

With bits of the original Star Trek series sprinkled over the top. Corbomite? Dilithium? UNOBTANIUM??

Also, the episode where they realize all the supposedly individual flying pancakes are in fact cells in one big organism, and WE are the infection. Oh, wait, I just combined two different episodes. Because there’s another one where the Enterprise ventures deep into a giant living cell that eats phasers.

I like Cameron’s whole trucker/grunt ethos (a la Aliens and the Abyss), and I liked the little flying jellyfish.

But still, it’s Ferngully.

Wait till this year.

by Quisp on Jan 17, 2010 6:20 PM PST up reply actions  

I was secretly hoping somebody would be Quail Man

Anaheim Ducts

by brokenyard on Jan 16, 2010 12:43 AM PST reply actions  

Hanzus looks like death.

Bettman's Nightmare: A Blog Where Hockey Aficionados Dismantle That Mighty Empire, One Balsillie at a Time

http://bettmansnightmare.blogspot.com/

by Bettman's Nightmare on Jan 16, 2010 6:10 PM PST reply actions  

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