Aiding Mirtle on His Brand New Adventure

As you may know, official Friend of the Blog™ James Mirtle has left his post at From the Rink to take on an exciting new career where he stands around asking stupid questions to naked men.  (Some asshole named Mike Chen is taking his place.)  Yes, James has left the cheeto-stained world of blogging for the ivory halls of the legitimate newspaper business.  I mean, he's still doing pretty much the same thing he was doing and he's still posting everything on a computer, so I guess it's the same thing except he gets to wear a little fedora with a "Press" placard sticking out of it.  We here at BoC wish Mirtle a long and successful career in the newspaper business until 6 months from now when his paper collapses and he goes back to blogging.

To help James, I thought I'd give him some pointers on how to approach the Los Angeles Kings as the Kings descend into the hell that is the Toronto press.  Hockey players undoubtedly get bored with answering thrilling questions like, "What happened in the third?"  and, "Why did you win?"  You have to know how to approach them to get the quote that will gain you fame and fortune... at least, until they go to another writer and discredit you because you were foolish enough to write down what they said and then publish it.  Here we go:

Wayne Simmonds- Simmonds is a black man so you should try to speak his language.  I recommend approaching him in the following manner: "Yo, pops, what's the skinny on you game, man?  You just trying to get that paper or are you in it to win it, ya dig?"  When he punches you in the face you should say, "Not cool, daddio."

Ryan Smyth- It doesn't matter what question you ask him first because no matter what he says I think a good follow-up question will be, "Are you retarded?"

Drew Doughty- The question I've always wanted to ask this talented defenseman is, "Can I touch it?"  I think you should go for it and tell me how it feels.

Anze Kopitar- Kopitar is kind of skittish around reporters so you should bring some bread and jam, or maybe some mac 'n cheese, and approach him slowly with the food in the palm of your hand.  If you appear friendly enough he may snatch the food from your hand and hungrily gulp it down.  You then have a few seconds to ask him some questions until someone turns on a light; when Kopitar sees this, he'll hiss and run away.

True story: I googled "how to befriend a raccoon" to get tips on how to best approach Kopitar and this was the first thing that came up.  I don't know why but the title and the idea of someone actually writing that out and the first person's irate response made me laugh pretty hard.

Peter Harrold- Haha, no one wants to talk to Peter Harrold.

Raitis Ivanans-1) Get on your knees.

2) Remove your shoes and put them on your hands and hold them up, high, so they are the first thing Ivanans sees.

3) Shuffle over to Ivanans with you head down and your shoes in the air.  He will approach and sniff your shoes; for the love of God, do not move while he does this.

4) He is going to take your shoes, so make sure you have some extras.  (That should've been Rule #1.)  If he sits and begins chewing on them, you have a little while to ask questions.  Try to make out what he says through all the munching.  If he throws your shoes across the room... goodbye.

Jack Johnson- You should tell him, "Red Berenson is a pile of shit," and then stick a recorder in his face. I think that'll work out well for you.

Oscar Moller- Since you're like 6'4" you should talk disparagingly of Sweden and then hold him by the head while he tries to take a swing at you.  He's so adorable when he's mad!

Dean Lombardi- Ask him how his day is going and then go grab a sandwich or catch a movie; you have some time before he stops talking.