Ducks Gameday -- Mind if I borrow your marketing gimmick?

Vancouver Canucks (1-0-1) at Anaheim Ducks (0-3-0), 7 pm
Nucks Misconduct and Anaheim Calling -- there's two sides to every train wreck.

It's quite possible that the Ducks' road trip might go down as the worst three-game start to a season ever in league history, considering goal differential, shot differential, and penalty differential -- I leave that to true statheads to verify.  Words can't really do it justice.

Ducksuicide_medium
Time to go back to an old classic.

But a blogger must persevere, I suppose.  I thought I'd use the opportunity to steal from the Sharks' brilliant marketing campaign from the past couple of seasons -- the TV ads that show Sharks players being awful at alternate professions, but then being good at hockey.  You know -- Joe Thornton is a rotten ventriloquist, but he's an awesome playmaker; Patrick Marleau is a lousy medium, but he's a fantastic scorer -- that sort of thing.

You'll probably see the punchlines coming, but here are my versions adapted for the Anaheim Ducks.  Sadly, I lazily didn't color my toons today -- I can only do so much when the Ducks fail to inspire.

Ryan Getzlaf is a rotten barber...

Rottenbarbergetzlaf_medium

...and he's also a rotten superstar captain, too!

GP
G - A - Pts
+/-
PIM
3
0 - 0 - 0
-5
6

Getzlaf in particular has been awful, though his linemates are taking most of the egregious penalties.  At 5-on-5 so far, Getzlaf has been on the ice for 20 shots-for and 35 shots-against.  That's the second-highest on-ice shot discrepancy among forwards (behind Matt Beleskey, who's had problems with any centerman thus far).  He's telegraphing passes and getting caught flat-footed a lot.  Plus there's the never-ending saga of Getzlaf yelling at referees -- go captain counterproductive!

More Ducks advertisements after the jump!

Corey Perry is a terrible dentist...

Rottendentistperry_medium

... and he's also a terrible scoring winger to boot!

GP
G - A - Pts
+/-
PIM
3
0 - 0 - 0
-3
23

Perry has the best shooting numbers of all Ducks forwards -- at 5-on-5, he's been on the ice for 24 shots-for vs 27 shots-against, nearly even.  His problem has been discipline, and Getzlaf is getting very little done without him (well, with him, too, but at least shots are remotely even).  And his stupid penalty-taking is rubbing off on our next ad's focus, too.

* * *

Bobby Ryan is a lousy plumber...

Rottenplumberryan_medium

...and he's been lousy since signing his new contract, too!

GP
G - A - Pts
+/-
PIM
3
0 - 0 - 0
-4
23

Ryan's 5-on-5 shooting numbers are somewhere between Getzlaf's and Perry's -- he's been on the ice for 22 shots-for vs 29 shots-against.  He's probably come closest to scoring an actual goal, but on the whole B-Ry hasn't done much to inspire, either.  And for Ryan to match Perry in penalty minutes is downright silly.

* * *

Randy Carlyle is an awful auto mechanic...

Rottenmechaniccarlyle_medium

...and he's a rotten head coach as well!  See shooting table below.

* * *

I probably could go on all day -- feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.  Anyways, this table shows Anaheim's shots-for vs shots-against by opponent, including all preseason and regular season results thus far.  In ten games, Anaheim has been outshot by an unbelievable 175 shots.

Ducks Shooting Results by Opponent

Opponent
GP
SF
SA
SD
San Jose Sharks
2
40
84
-44
St. Louis Blues
1
14
53
-39
Los Angeles Kings
2
48
85
-37
Detroit Red Wings
1
21
43
-22
Phoenix Coyotes
1
21
40
-19
Nashville Predators
1
37
49
-12
Vancouver Canucks
2
54
56
-2
Total
10
235
410
-175

The bottom row is the Canucks -- even though Vancouver won both preseason contests, they're really the one outlier team that hasn't outrageously outshot the Ducks so far.  Overall, the Ducks have surrendered 40+ shots in 8 of 10 contests thus far; only in the two games against Vancouver were the Ducks were able to hold an opponent to 31 or less.

Don't know what that means, exactly, but something to pay attention to tonight.

Prediction: Some fans will boo the team on their return, but I'll try to imagine they're yelling "Vayoo".  I'll be around for game comments -- stop on by.

Go Ducks.

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