Kings Gameday: The REAL Litmus Test

He looks like something out of Beetlejuice. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for NHLI)






Now, TODAY is the re- Goddammit, guys, just fucking win today. The fuck's your problem? You've been playing like hot balls recently and I DON"T LIKE IT. The people bothering me most:

 

Matt Greene & Jack Johnson- You guys allowed 1 goal against New York, 3 goals against San Jose, and 2 goals against Columbus. (Well, Jack was on ice for the empty netter, but we won't count that.) They aren't clicking well at all; they both follow their man out of position and Matt Greene... Matt Greene is worse at handling the puck than Tyler Myers is at not looking like the water alien from The Abyss. The Kings are trying to ride their top-4, similarly to how they did when Willie Mitchell was on the ice, but it doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe the Kings need to just say, "Fuck it," and put Drew Drewiske with Drew Doughty. Tell Doughty that he's a big boy now and he doesn't need a babysitter. Tell Jack Johnson that he does, one that doesn't handle the puck like Ryan Smyth handles questions about his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Much has been made of Jack Johnson's strong start and Doughty's weak one, but Doughty has been on the ice for 3 goals against to Johnson's 15. Doughty needs to be our even-strength horse. He needs to be taking shifts with everyone: Drewiske, Scuderi, Johnson, everyone. I don't know, the Kings need to do something, because they've been bleeding at even-strength since Willie Mitchell went down.

Drewiske-Doughty

Scuderi-Johnson

Muzzin-Greene

Michal Handzus- No offense, man, but you're offense has been shit this season. I have a pet theory that Zeus has suffered at even-strength because Frolov isn't there to hold onto the puck for 30 seconds and allow Zeus to get into the zone, but that's probably just me thinking wistfully. Whatever the reason, Handzus has 3 points in 17 games at even-strength; that translates to 14 even-strength points over a whole season. Last year, he had 32. I know it's harder for him without Frolov and Alexei Ponikarovsky, but that line has to do more than slow down the opposition's top line; they need to actually win on the scoreboard.

The NHL Schedule Makers- Hey, you know what's a good idea? Make a team play 3 games in 4 nights, one in Los Angeles and 2 in the very furthest part of the East Coast. Even better? Make them play 4 games in 6 nights, the next game in Ottawa. Fuck you guys.

 

There were some positives from last game: I loved Wayne Simmonds on the power play and I thought Trevor Lewis looked pretty good playing on the top penalty kill unit with Zeus. Special teams, the Kings are still golden. Even-strength? They're sucking donkey balls. Fix that.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3. There is awkwardness when Dwight King asks Tyler Myers for his autograph and says, "I loved you in The Emperor's New Groove."

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