FanPost

Battle of Cali - Episode 1.5


I wrote this after JohnQPhats posted his scene and became inspired. I saved it and forgot about until now. I re-read it and liked it more than when I originally wrote it. It is really dialogue-heavy and that does annoy me, but I find it hard to "write" blocking, so leave me alone.

It takes place immediately after John's scene with Rudy and the Girls' Hockey Team ends. He said there were more scenes written, but as with most things in life, I figured as long as I pull it out and play with it and make awkward eye-contact with people around me while I do it, no one can really blame me for having fun while thinking about two grown men I met on the internet.

Not sure how I found it in the first place though, I think someone got on here and searched "underage+girls" on my computer and then they mistakenly opened this file as I eagerly clicked every result. I definitely wasn't disappointed to realize it was just a text document though.

With all the allegations lately of saying things about people that aren't true, I'd like to clarify that this is fiction. In fact, Meg's character kind of seems a lot like Hobbes to me, so, really this apology is for Bill Watterson more than anyone else. Also the girl they talk about should turn out to be the love interest, Jen, who will only agree to sleep with Rudy if Lupul scores 35 goals in a season. Real Rudy just scoffed at such terms but Character Rudy thinks Real Rudy ought to shut the fuck up you faggot, this is his chance.

INT. MEG AND RUDY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Rudy has just come back from a team meeting and prospective job offer at the local ice rink to coach Girls’ Youth Hockey.

MEG
Hey dude. How’d it go?

Rudy looks angry and flustered.

RUDY
I told one of the kids to gobble a cock.

MEG
(shrugs)
If I had a nickel...

RUDY
But it pays alright. There’s just something about it that feels... I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of someone I know seeing me.

Meg seems amused and overwhelmingly positive.

MEG
Do it, man! I would.

RUDY
That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

MEG
Well, what have you got to lose?

RUDY
What have I "got to lose"?

MEG
(interrupting)
Besides your virginity.

RUDY
It's not really about- Haha, what?

MEG
Take it! Seriously, why not?

Meg’s positivity visibly annoys Rudy.

RUDY
Because I’m not a flaming homosexual.

MEG
What? It has nothing to do with the extent of your homosexuality.

RUDY
You shut the fuck up.

MEG
Well, you did seem to have a thing for Ben.

RUDY
Ben was a dog, you idiot, that doesn’t count.

Rudy and Meg sit in silence for five seconds.

MEG
Take the job. You love hockey, you love yelling at children; it’ll be fun!

RUDY
No.

MEG
It’ll make you look sensitive.

RUDY
See, that’s the difference between you and me, right there. You think it’s a good idea to look sensitive. Why the hell would I ever want to come across as sensitive?

MEG
Hmm.
(pauses)
How about for that girl down the hall?

RUDY
Why would she find sensitivity attractive? Sensitivity isn’t manly, it’s sissy. Look at Patrick Marleau, would you say he’s more likely to be "manly" or "sensitive"?

MEG
Well, he’s still manly because he plays hockey, and you know he’s not gay because he plays for the Sharks.

RUDY
Yeah... debatable.

Ept_sports_nhl_experts-656093761-1250558198_medium

MEG
I’m telling you, girls love that sort of thing. He seems... odd, but he plays hockey! So a hot girl married him!

RUDY
I’m confused as to how anybody ever decided they wanted to be associated with him.

MEG
And you, you’ll still seem incredibly gay, but you’ll be coaching girls' youth hockey, so that’s... I mean...

RUDY
The opposite of straight?

MEG
No! Not at all! On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being undeniably straight, you’ll move up to... close to a 4, almost. It depends if we’re rounding up or not, actually.

RUDY
I might as well walk up to her and say "Hi, I have no testicles."

MEG
Yeah! So either take the job, or you know, just tell her that. You'll have something in common!

RUDY
It can’t be that embarrassing. Earl ends up accidentally implying he’s gay in pretty much every conversation he has.

MEG
Finding excuses not to hit on a girl is pretty gay.

RUDY
I know. It’s like no matter what I choose, I’m choosing to be gay.

MEG
Yes.

RUDY
I’ll tell her I do have testicles, but they’re the ones that are sensitive, not me.

MEG
She'll be thrilled! But still, your roommate’s name is "Meg" and you go by "Rudy".

RUDY
Jesus fuck, you’re right.

MEG
To be honest, I’m surprised when I think about how Earl has the manliest name out of all of us.

RUDY
She’s probably already concluded that you and I are a gay couple.

MEG
That’d be great! Then you’d have nothing to worry about.

RUDY
Are you fucking retarded?

MEG
How many times did you ask a child that question today?

RUDY
I don’t know. A lot. But that would be horrible. I’m going to have to tell her I’m not gay.

MEG
You don’t think that will weird her out? Just walking up and saying "I’m not gay"? You have to try and contextualize the statement.

RUDY
"Contextualize the statement"? See, it’s things like that, Meg. Goddamn it.

Meg thinks for a moment. Rudy pours himself a shot of whiskey and promptly downs it without a chaser.

MEG
I’ll just tell them all that we’re gay.

RUDY
What?

MEG
Our neighbors. You know, just to end any confusion. So we won’t have to worry about what they think anymore.

RUDY
I will fucking murder you.

MEG
Well, it’s believable isn’t it? I mean, I don’t drink and I find salad to be a perfectly acceptable main course. That could seem gay.

RUDY
(worried)
That does seem gay.

MEG
Maybe we are gay and we’re just the last ones to realize it.

RUDY
You’re an idiot.

MEG
(clears throat)
Wayne Simmonds.

Rudy pours himself another shot.

This FanPost was posted by a fan, and it probably sucks and is dumb.

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