What's that you say? You're looking for serious hockey analysis, an informative game-day preview, and detailed and insightful breakdowns of stats?
Buddy, you've come to the wrong place. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
If, however, you are looking for strange and wonderful hockey-themed gift ideas dredged up from the depths of eBay, then this is your lucky day.
Proceed and prepare to be amazed.
Item 1 - Backstreet Boys official tour hockey jersey
Description: A hockey jersey with a black and white image of the Backstreet Boys on it. Apparently they sold these things at their shows or something? That's just awful. When you think about how expensive hockey jerseys usually are, combined with the ridiculous merchandise mark-ups that are commonplace at concerts, this awesome piece of memorabilia must have cost at LEAST $100 when new. Now this "pre-owned," one-size fits-all marvel can be yours for a by-it-now price of 50 bucks, or your best offer. Act now!
A perfect gift for: The ironic 90's retro enthusiast/hockey fan/homosexual in your life. I was really close to placing a bid on this item for Rudy's Kwanzaa present.
Warning: This item is described as "washed and worn," though I'm praying it wasn't in that specific order. It is also "free of stains," a phrase which has never before seemed so creepy. Based on my idea of the kind of person who would probably inhabit the Venn Diagram overlap between "Loves wearing hockey jerseys" and "Backstreet Boys tour attendee," I wouldn't want to come within twenty yards of an unwashed piece of their clothing. Ewww.
Hockey captures the essence of life.
Through the inescapably and inhospitably cold,
hockey is an affirmation to all
that we are still alive.
Description: If your Grammar Sense didn't activate its alarm the first time through, please go back and read that italicized writing again. "Through the inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is an affirmation to all that we are still alive." That makes absolutely no sense, and I love it. It's a mangled version of this quote:
Hockey captures the essence of Canadian experience in the New World. In a land so inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is the chance of life, and an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive. ~Stephen Leacock
with Crosby's name and picture added and the title of one of Will Smith's worst movies sprawled across the top for good measure. It's a perfect storm of ridiculous bullshit, and they have plenty in stock so you can buy one for everyone you know.
Oh, and you can also get the shirt in brown, navy, or purple. Why the hell not? A purple version of this shirt makes exactly as much sense as any other version of it.
A perfect gift for: Spade. Or any ESL student/Penguins fan you happen to know.
Price: Opening bid of 99 cents, or you can buy it now for only $1.50. Go go go!
Description: Don't you have eyes? They're dogs - and they're playing hockey!
A perfect gift for: Damn, Rudy's going to get some awesome gifts this year. This is also a good present for people that have a really really ugly spot on their wall, like a giant smashed bug or a blood stain or something, so they can slightly improve it by covering it up with this picture.
That's all for now, but I may be doing this again soon. Happy Dongzhi, everyone!
Prediction: As a belated Muharram gift to Sharks fans, the Sharks win 4-1. Goals from Couture, Thornton, Nichol, and Vlasic.