Introducing Another Writer Who is Inferior to Me

by RudyKelly on Mar 31, 2010 12:06 AM PDT

Mike Chen has moved on to bigger and better things because he is apparently too good to write on the 5th most popular intrastate multi-team humor hockey blog on the internet so we have decided to bring in another writer to mock when the Sharks inevitably lose in the first round. My friend Megalodon has been a frequent collaborator and co-conspirator on a lot of the stupid shit I've posted here. (He helped write this and this.) He decided to help us outand start posting about the Sharks while somehow missing the obvious signs that Joe Thornton is gay. This is both good and bad; it's good because he's funny and cool and he has immaculately combed pubic hair (it looks like the Monster's hair after Bugs Bunny combs it in this cartoon.), but it's bad because it means you'll have to scroll through more crap to read my work and it's also bad because you're going to notice how blatantly I've been stealing his jokes through the years. He'll have his first post up soon and it'll probably suck, but for now feel free to embrace optimism.

Poochie_medium

I've known Megalodon since my first night of college, when we were placed in the same dorm suite because we were both dorks who like hockey. We quickly bonded over Futurama, Hunter Thompson and making fun of people who'd beat the shit out of us if they knew we were mocking them. It's been a wonderful partnership ever since. He doesn't drink and this has been a source of great stress on our relationship since the moment I met him. (It's like having a friend that can only breathe under water, or another simile that makes sense.) The two of us once made a 125-point list listing ways in which a roommate of ours sucked. He's afraid of sloths. He once woke up to find me peeing in his trash can. He has a cat named Chandler who hates my guts and tries to kill me every time I visit.He can't quite do a backflip. He despises Ed Belfour. Also...

*sigh

He loves Battlestar Galactica. I'm sorry, America.

6410_101097876570005_100000093799699_31976_2048183_n_medium

Stay the fuck away from my legs, Devil Cat!

Meg should fit in pretty well, as he has a slightly different comedic style to Earl and myself. While Earl doesn't try to be funny (He does? Are you sure?) and I tend to be dumb and pointless (Tugboat!), Meg is all pithy and, like, smart and shit. He likes Monty Python, is what I'm trying to say. More importantly, he despises Family Guy and Napoleon Dynamite and Juno and all that stupid shit, so he should fit in just fine. Or he won't and we'll jeer at him until he quits, right?

(Picture Tip: When looking on Google Search for a picture, DO NOT search "This guy sucks." Jesus Christ.)

In summation: Mike's gone (kinda; he may show up every once in a while) and he'll be missed by... someone, I'm sure. The Sharks suck and Meg sucks. I rule.

Welcome aboard, Dickhead!

Tweet Comment 40 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

So when’s the wedding?

I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better.

by brokenyard on Mar 31, 2010 1:24 AM PDT reply actions

always liked his input…mostly cuz he makes fun of rudy…but yea we need someone to laugh at when the sharks choke

he doesnt drink? im trying to go in the direction…maybe i can pay him to help me…I keep getting in trouble when i drink…its getting too expensive

2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Mar 31, 2010 4:58 AM PDT reply actions

its getting too expensive

So your solution is to pay Megalodon… I’m not sure you quite understand the concept of saving money.

I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better.

by brokenyard on Mar 31, 2010 6:01 AM PDT up reply actions

its an investment….pay a little up front…fix drinking problem…save money later…i thought that was obvious

2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Mar 31, 2010 6:03 AM PDT up reply actions

Or maybe if you just give Megalodon all your alcohol money, it might fix the issue.

I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better.

by brokenyard on Mar 31, 2010 3:35 PM PDT up reply actions

everything seems to go wrong when i stop drinking

by hughestom1 on Mar 31, 2010 5:04 AM PDT reply actions

Great news. Looking forward to more Sharks coverage, and just in time for the playoffs, too.

by g r a c e on Mar 31, 2010 5:51 AM PDT reply actions

He loves Battlestar Galactica. I’m sorry, America.

Oh frak yes — this blog will barely ever talk about hockey again, except for things like “Which Cylon would make for the best defenseman?” and other useless trivia.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 6:34 AM PDT reply actions

Subtract my Trekkiness for another BSG nerd. This would make for a great “Cylon vs. Borg” debate.

by Mike Chen on Mar 31, 2010 10:32 AM PDT up reply actions

We need Sharks coverage like I need toilet paper stuck to my ass.

Welcome aboard!

Bettman's Nightmare: A Blog Where Hockey Aficionados Dismantle That Mighty Empire, One Balsillie at a Time

http://bettmansnightmare.blogspot.com/

by Bettman's Nightmare on Mar 31, 2010 6:44 AM PDT reply actions

If we were putting together an all-Cylon team, the best choice for a defenseman would have to be one of the Leobens. I’d also want one of the final five as my team captain, but I can’t say more without engaging in spoilers.

Anyway, thanks for adding me to the team. For some reason this site seems to drive Sharks bloggers into deep depressions until they abandon ship, but I’ll try to last longer than the others.

Oh, and my advice to Spade to help with drinking expenses is to rob liquor stores. That tip is free.

Everything sucks except for the Sharks.

by Megalodon on Mar 31, 2010 7:53 AM PDT reply actions

but I can’t say more without engaging in spoilers.

Good point — I should have asked a more “Season One”-type question. Damn.

And glad to have you aboard — this will be much preferable to what was going to be option #2 — have me write postseason gameday posts for the Sharks. Those would have been awful.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 7:58 AM PDT up reply actions

You fucks!

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Mar 31, 2010 8:01 AM PDT up reply actions

You ~~fucks~~ fraks!

Fixed for our soon-to-be exclusively BSG readership.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 8:15 AM PDT up reply actions

Leoben is a nutter so obviously he’s a goalie. And I can’t say who I’d want as my D because it’s season two, I think.

In Dinglebarn We Trust

by Niesy on Mar 31, 2010 8:40 AM PDT up reply actions

I for one welcome our new Sharks overlord Megalodon.

It should be good to read about anything else besides Bobby Ryan and Ryan Smyth.

Fear the Fin - all Evgeni, all the time.

by Ivano M on Mar 31, 2010 8:20 AM PDT reply actions

Hey now, I haven’t written a Bobby Ryan piece in ages — trying not to hype the kid before his new raise. :)

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 8:32 AM PDT up reply actions

The big raise he’ll get when he signs in Montreal.

hee hee hee

by innes on Mar 31, 2010 8:42 AM PDT up reply actions

He’s neither French nor Canadian, but I suppose Montreal is a team that screams “offseason cap space”. No goalie issues to attend to first there, I’d imagine.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 8:43 AM PDT up reply actions

Montreal wants him because they destroy young souls and eat braaaains.

In Dinglebarn We Trust

by Niesy on Mar 31, 2010 8:50 AM PDT up reply actions

Well than perhaps it’s the Bonino time, since he’s the next Ryan Getzlaf and all.

Fear the Fin - all Evgeni, all the time.

by Ivano M on Mar 31, 2010 9:00 AM PDT up reply actions

El Niño!

I don’t know if I buy the comparison — it probably took Getzlaf 10 games to take as many shots as Bonino took last game.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 9:06 AM PDT up reply actions

Bonino is in that wonderful new guy spot where he’s good enough to get a scoring chance but not good enough to actually score. It’s hilarious.

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Mar 31, 2010 9:11 AM PDT up reply actions

Two games into his career, I’ll definitely take it. Especially since it’s a Sharks prospect tossed away for some short-term pains with Travis Moen and some long-term pains with Kent Huskins.

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 9:19 AM PDT up reply actions

And that’s why I already hate him.

Fear the Fin - all Evgeni, all the time.

by Ivano M on Mar 31, 2010 9:21 AM PDT up reply actions

I liked the Ryan Smyth coverage because it was mostly about how he’s an asshole with a mullet.

by Mike Chen on Mar 31, 2010 10:32 AM PDT up reply actions

And he’s extinct!

Which seems somewhat prophetic.

In Dinglebarn We Trust

by Niesy on Mar 31, 2010 8:36 AM PDT reply actions

One thing that never got answered in Rudy’s glorious introduction…

Is he a die hard, happy when they win, depressed when the lose, true believer in the curse, sharks fan?

It won’t be any fun giving him shit when the Sharks lose if he’s not…

by Jietoh on Mar 31, 2010 8:37 AM PDT reply actions

I don’t care about any other team or any other sport aside from the Sharks, so 100% of my sports-ego is attached to the team. My moods are very much affected by wins and losses. But I only accept shit from fans whose teams are currently ahead of the Sharks in the standings or which go further this season in the playoffs – all other shit will be returned unopened.

Everything sucks except for the Sharks.

by Megalodon on Mar 31, 2010 8:42 AM PDT up reply actions

Excellent… We’re going to get along just fine then…

And it doesn’t matter if you accept it or not, shit will be given…

by Jietoh on Mar 31, 2010 8:46 AM PDT up reply actions

Probably doesn’t matter — last spring, Sharks fans became better at slamming their own team than Ducks fans ever did. :)

http://www.battleofcali.com/

by Earl Sleek on Mar 31, 2010 8:48 AM PDT up reply actions

It’s how we cope.

We’re the emo kids of the NHL. You can’t hurt us if we cut on ourselves first.

"Douglas Murray is a humongous human being." – Drew Remenda

by Evilducks on Mar 31, 2010 12:04 PM PDT up reply actions

hahaha…funny shit

2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Mar 31, 2010 1:29 PM PDT up reply actions

But I only accept shit from fans whose teams are currently ahead of the Sharks in the standings or which go further this season in the playoffs – all other shit will be returned unopened.

Because ‘teams that went further last season’ makes it too easy!

In Dinglebarn We Trust

by Niesy on Mar 31, 2010 8:46 AM PDT up reply actions

That’s the spirit.

Fear the Fin - all Evgeni, all the time.

by Ivano M on Mar 31, 2010 9:01 AM PDT up reply actions

Whatever you need to believe.

I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better.

by brokenyard on Mar 31, 2010 3:37 PM PDT up reply actions

battlestar galactica……..eh
sharks……….eh.

anyway, welcome.

es muy caliente.

by tu madre on Mar 31, 2010 8:38 AM PDT reply actions

Congrats, you smelly cunt.

by Nut on Mar 31, 2010 9:58 AM PDT reply actions

There is nothing wrong with not drinking. I don’t drink. . . well I do drink cause if I didn’t I would like die of dehydrations. . .but I don’t drink drink. (If you see a stupid post by me, ok a really stupider post then normal, I don’t have any excuse, it is all me).

But at least I am a Ducks fan, which is better than being a Sharks fan who does that stupid hand gester thingy throughout the game. What is up with that?

Let's go Ducks.

by deb d on Mar 31, 2010 1:21 PM PDT reply actions

But at least I am a Ducks fan, which is better than being a Sharks fan who does that stupid hand gester thingy throughout the game. What is up with that?

yea lame

2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"

by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Mar 31, 2010 1:30 PM PDT up reply actions