Douglas Murray: Hey guys, thanks for coming, nice to see you.
Patrick Marleau: Hi Murray.
Joe Thornton: How's it going, buddy?
DM: Pretty busy, of course. Lots of, you know, preparation we need to take care of before the playoffs.
PM: Right, that's what you said in your e-mail.
DM: Okay so let me just go through the agenda here...
JT: Is anyone else coming?
DM: No, it's just us three - core of the team, right? Plus I only have three chairs. Here we go, Team Meeting. Patrick Marleau?
DM: This is the roll call, Patrick, you're supposed to say "present" or "here."
PM: Oh, uh, okay. Present.
DM: Joe Thornton?
DM: And Murray, present. Okay, item One: Offense. That's, uh, that's goal-scoring. We should do that. As much as possible. Agreed?
JT: Uh, yeah, of course.
DM: And you, Patrick?
PM: Yes Murray, we should score goals.
DM: Great, I'll put you both down for "Yes." Item 2D: Fence. Something about a fence, seems to be what I wrote here. I don't really remember what that was about, maybe some sort of picket or chain-link...
JT: Is that supposed to be "defense"?
DM: Ah, yes, that's right. Thank you Joseph. I had an idea about how to improve team defense. Basically I think we should have three defenders instead of two, and that two of them should concentrate on stopping the other team from scoring and the other guy can just try to hit people all the time.
JT & PM: ....
DM: Oh, and I would play all sixty minutes of the game, like Nabby does.
JT & PM: ...
DM: And I would be the hitting guy.
JT & PM: ...
DM: And you two could get a chance to play defense, so it's a win-win! What do you think, guys?
PM: I don't think so Murray.
JT: Yeah, it needs some work.
DM: Alright boys, alright, I understand. Item 3: Team Colors.I was thinking, ever since the Olympics, that we might want to consider changing our team colors? Maybe, you know, adding some yellow?
PM: Yellow? You mean, like, for Sweden?
DM: Well, come on, it's not necessarily for Sweden. Other things have yellow on them too, aside from the Swedish flag.
PM: Such as....?
DM: Uh....Oranges? No, wait, hold on, I'll think of something.
PM: It doesn't really matter, Murray - we're not in charge of the team colors anyway. Did you have anything else?
DM: Well I did have some plays that I've designed that I was hoping to discuss with you...
PM: Sorry Murray, we really do have to get going.
DM: Okay guys, sounds good. Thanks for coming by - I'll see you at the game!
I would like to dedicate this article to the roughly 0.0002% of the world who both A) Know who Douglas Murray is and B) Have seen "The Flight of the Conchords." You are my brothers.
Prediction: Sharks win 5-1, smacking the shit out of the Coyotes and sending a message to whoever they end up playing in the first round. Murray scores all five goals and Huskins beats someone up.
Mascot fight: Two words: Coyote chum.