Sharks Gameday: The World of Tomorrow
by Megalodon on Apr 16, 2010 8:26 AM PDT
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Hey, it worked! It's me, Megalodon, FROM THE FUTURE!
I have gained access to the world's first time machine, and I've returned to this time of great trouble to give solace to my fellow Sharks fans. Let's get started!
First, do not despair! I remember how I felt on that day, so long ago, when the Sharks lost game one against the Avalanche. Team Teal's offensive effort was pitiful and uninspiring, and our biggest heroes looked frail and powerless.
But rejoice and have hope, Sharks fans, because better times are ahead. The Sharks win the next game, and the next, and go on to win the series in five games! It's glorious!
How do they turn the series around so dramatically, you ask? Read on!
The President of Time hasn't authorized me to tell you Pasters too much, but I can share a few tidbits with you without doing too much damage to causality. Here we go:
1. It all starts with some line shuffling. The Sharks' big three are all struggling at the same time, and the line that needs to be the team's best isn't a factor at all. The coach responds by splitting up the team's formidable offensive weapons and rewarding the hard-workers from game one with more ice time. The lines aren't set in stone, but we see instant chemistry between Marleau and Setoguchi, echoing their success earlier in the season. Thornton starts clicking with Clowe, and the checking line brings more of their impressive play from game one. The team suddenly starts looking like what it is: an immensely talented group of hockey players.
2. The team shoots a LOT. Craig Anderson is a good goalie, but he's still vulnerable. One of the keys to the Sharks' success since McLellan took over has been to fire the puck at the net early and often. Anderson was showing signs of fatigue late in the regular season, and a combination of more shots and more crashing the net will expose those cracks once again. And once the Sharks get a couple of goals, the Avalanche don't stand a chance.
3. The team mixes up their attack. The dump and chase, they flip it in on goal, they let Dan Boyle carry it up - they communicate and think on their feet and pressure the Avs' weak defense until it starts to crumble under the superior size, speed, and talent of the Sharks' forwards. The Avalanche blueliners are confused and tired - it's a thing of beauty. Adam Foote cries and wets his pants.
Other than that, the team just keeps up what they did well in the first game: Evgeni Nabokov is solid and the defense doesn't allow itself to get worked by the Avs speed. With all these parts in place, the Sharks start to play with a confidence and swagger that befits a team of their record. They fly into the next round ready to keep it rolling and face anyone who dares stand in their way.
In less-important news, Obama kills Bin-Laden with his bare hands, the Soviet Union reforms, and Jesus returns.
I hope I've been able to ease some of your concerns, my teal brethren. It seemed like the only proper thing to do, seeing as how it was a group of Sharks fans that invented the Time Machine in the first place. We're good with computers and such, you know.
That's all the time we have for now - I've got to go. Hitler ain't gonna kill himself.
Postdiction: 4-1. Two from Marleau, one from Clowe and Setoguchi. That's how it goes down - you can take it to the bank.
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You didn’t sneeze on anything, did you? Otherwise, you’ll screw up the timeline and it’ll start raining donuts.
I can get behind this. It’s raining plain old rain right now though.
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 9:24 AM PDT up reply actions
I did step on a butterfly back in dinosaur times, but all that did was turn the Kings into a good team.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
Did you run into Dr. Sam Beckett during your travels, did you? I think he Quantum Leaped into some show about middle-aged men.
He leaped into a starship captain and two network deals, and is now a middle-aged WOMANIZER. So, yeah, ditching Al and Ziggy was the greatest thing that ever happened to him.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 11:25 AM PDT up reply actions
The President of Time is one crazy fuck!
Amo la manera una haba y el burrito del queso siente alrededor de mi pene.
Holy shit! And I thought the BoC had one of the highest content-levels of bullshit on the internet!* That Time Cube place is insane!
*It should be noted that the highest content-level of bullshit on the internet undisputedly rests at From Abel to Yzerman
and on the 93rd postseason of the National Hockey League, the Slovakian-hockeygod Zeus commanded from high atop Mount Figueroa..."RELEASE THE MEAT TRAIN!" And it was good.
by DodgerBlueBalls on Apr 16, 2010 12:22 PM PDT up reply actions
OK, I’m only half-way through this video, but my favorite thing so far is how they break out a rubik’s sized cube to explain the “4 corners” theory, when any cube I’ve ever held clearly has six corners.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Yeah that’s a bit of a flaw in the theory. I’m pretty sure other than that it’s rock-solid though.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
And of course I meant to say eight corners — six sides.
Whatever — the number isn’t four. He’s talking about Time Square.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
I love how he says anyone who doesn’t understand is an idiot or is evil. That’s how you can tell he’s firmly grounded in reality.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
He sounds like a Wings fan….
"You can always find more jam. There’s never enough jam." - Scott Nichol
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 1:12 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
It’s been going around the internet forever – I think he’s had the site since like 1997 or something. It’s famous as being one of the highest concentrations of human crazy ever.
Check out youtube for fun clips of the man behind the greatest scientific theory of our time. He sounds EXACTLY LIKE YOU WOULD GUESS.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
YES
Clowebell scores!!! Angry Joe kills all the Avs aaaand SHARKS WIN!!!! Sharks fans everywhere rejoice!
I sure hope so future man….
"God save us all." - FTF Staff
So is the future a glorious utopia? Or are there still Wings fans?
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
I can’t say much, but in the future “wingers” are officially recognized as enemies of the state.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
Did they side with Canada in the inevitable war?
"Douglas Murray is a humongous human being." – Drew Remenda
With all these parts in place, the Sharks start to play with a confidence and swagger that befits a team of their record.
God, that would be nice. It would be nice to see a Sharks team act like a high seed for once…
This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die! Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time.
by ZeroIndulgence on Apr 16, 2010 10:14 AM PDT reply actions
“Like I’m going to take a lesson in not disturbing history from Mr. I’m-my-own-grandpa!”
Futurama is the best show ever when it comes to time travel. Or anything else, really.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
I couldn’t agree more.
“You win again, gravity!”
by I.C. Wiener on Apr 16, 2010 10:34 AM PDT up reply actions
Ya know, I never made the jump to recognize your name as a Futurama reference. For that, I am deeply ashamed.
UNRELATED: Handel is the most overrated composer ever...
by Bleys on Apr 16, 2010 11:12 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions
Indeed.
Futurama was a gloriously amazing show. Hopefully when it comes back this summer, it won’t suck.
This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die! Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time.
by ZeroIndulgence on Apr 16, 2010 11:00 AM PDT up reply actions
That’s all the time we have for now – I’ve got to go. Hitler ain’t gonna kill himself.
You know it’s playoffs when you’re a little disappointed that didn’t say Hiller.
"San Jose is where I want to be at the end of the day, and there's an opportunity now to make it there. It is where my heart is." - Jamie McGinn, 2/22/10
Fear The Fin: Where Selling Your Soul Is The Likely Solution
by Mr. Plank on Apr 16, 2010 11:02 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Thanks again, Chen. I wonder if Mike made any Avs blogger bets this year or whether that’s now in the “jinx the team” category.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
What would the shirt be? Matrix reference? Mr. Anderson? With the pucks stopping midflight in front of him?
Okay, I’ve officially talked myself into ordering that shirt if when the Sharks lose.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 11:18 AM PDT up reply actions
The bet was that Chen was supposed to buy me a shirt off NHL.com, but he one-upped himself by making a “Heil Hiller” shirt. He did the whole color-warping thing and left the word “Hiller” out because of some legalistic shit or something, but it turned out awesome.
Just can’t wear it outside, is all.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
you should sync Hiller saying something in German with a Hitler speech.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 8:03 PM PDT up reply actions
Hahahaha
I didn’t even notice that it was HITler not HILLER….oh man…hockey tunnel has got me in a funk.
"God save us all." - FTF Staff
by mssjsclowie29 on Apr 16, 2010 11:17 AM PDT up reply actions
Going back in time to kill Hiller might actually be more important than averting WWII. I may alter my plans.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
DO IIIIIIT!!!
Our world would be better if that were the case >D
"God save us all." - FTF Staff
by mssjsclowie29 on Apr 16, 2010 1:12 PM PDT up reply actions
I haven’t seen anything official yet but it looks like McLellan is keeping Thornton/Marleau/Heatley together for the time being. Meg must be using the parallel universe time travel theory, not the single timeline one.
Dr. McNinja
YES! A Dr. McNinja reference. This blog has just gone to a new level of awesome.
by TheRobberBaron on Apr 16, 2010 11:40 AM PDT reply actions
Here’s a fun game: open up timecube.com, close your eyes, and randomly scroll to a part of text. Then post the first full sentence sentence you see. Here’s mine:
Singularity is the death math
of religious/academic Godism.
The West Coast is the Best Coast.
Weeeeee!
No law can mix night and day colors
in America’s coming deterioration.
America is but another ‘Tower of
Babble’, beseiged by racial singularity.
and on the 93rd postseason of the National Hockey League, the Slovakian-hockeygod Zeus commanded from high atop Mount Figueroa..."RELEASE THE MEAT TRAIN!" And it was good.
by DodgerBlueBalls on Apr 16, 2010 12:40 PM PDT up reply actions
Haha I got a doozy:
I am flabbergasted that the
“big brother” hired pedants
can brainwash and indoctrinate
the powerful antipode human
mind to ignore the simple math
of 4 simultaneous 24 hour days
within a single rotation of Earth,
to worship one and trash three.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
I had a choice, and I picked this one:
If god is your father, your mother is a whore.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on Apr 16, 2010 12:42 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Whew, this is a load off. I wish you had come back in time on Wednesday night so we didn’t have to go through 2 days of anguish and depression.
BTW how’s Jesus? Is he cool?
I bet shark fans are dressing very very carefully to avoid even a hint of unluckiness. Plus all of the butterflies in their stomachs taht will transfer tomorrow to the kings fans. I really feel for you all, is o remember what it was like. But it is amazing how free I feel this year.
Let's go Ducks.
Before Game 1, I ran into a friend who said his whole routine was screwed up because he worked from home that day. I blame him for destroying the mojo.
Who set up this schedule so that Nash/Chi play their 1st game today? I blame things like this as why the playoff go on so long.
Let's go Ducks.
It’s not the G1s you should blame — blame the G7s.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
From Working the Corners:
“It was an optional skate this morning and he, Patrick Marleau and Dany Heatley didn’t participate. Not saying 12 and 15 won’t be in the lineup, of course — they both did stroll through the locker room at one point.”
The two are probably a little banged-up, which would explain their weak performance in game one. They’ll play for sure, I just hope they take advantage of this extra rest time.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
http://www.battleofcali.com
The nerves are fucking killing me. Playoff gamedays last forever.
"San Jose is where I want to be at the end of the day, and there's an opportunity now to make it there. It is where my heart is." - Jamie McGinn, 2/22/10
Fear The Fin: Where Selling Your Soul Is The Likely Solution
I did all my chores to make the time go faster, and it’s still not even six. What the hell.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Now that’s just rough — off Vlasic’s throat?
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
You don’t fuck with a man with a time machine. I can make it so that you were never born.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Predators beat Hawks
what an awesome playoffs so far
Dammit, I've run out of nipple glue! Always at the worst times!
Marleau tried to Perry the goalie a little there, but he’s not a natural.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Oh no — (rubs eyes) — big line shows up?
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
That assist was a total choke by Thornton.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
There’s something going on with these late game second periods. If my napkin math is right, the PHX-DET game featured 5 goals scored in a 3:58 span in the 2nd to make it 3-3. Then in this game there’s been 4 goals scored in 6:46 of the 2nd to make it 3-3.
Hockey God is having fun with us.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Bananas. I’ve been keeping one eye on the Phx/Det scoreboard, and I figured some craziness was happening out in the desert, too.
Speaking of Hockey God — caught up on that post this afternoon. Truly epic stuff, Earl. Really should be required reading for BoC.
Douglas Murray needs another team meeting.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
This is what I mean about the Avalanche matching up well against the Sharks. Our D-men aren’t quick enough.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Well, that and Nabby not making a second period save yet.
Oh, Seto, you drama monster.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Nabby’s playing well, even with the crazy stats. It’s all been breakaways and open players and bad bounces. It’s infuriating.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Two minutes for “deadleg!”
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
It’s a shocker that Blake even knows where the penalty box is! He never gets called for anything.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Did the super collider confirm the existence of parallel dimensions yet? Maybe you didn’t travel along this timeline.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 9:11 PM PDT up reply actions
I may have inadvertently changed the past. I might get in trouble for this. The President of Time is going to be pissed.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
haha. Nabby signed onto BoC and was like “Whew”
Now, he’s like. Man, I’m saving .600. This comeback is going to be SWEET
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 9:12 PM PDT up reply actions
uh nevermind
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
THE TIME STREAMS ARE COLLAPSING
We’re through the looking glass here people.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Dammit, Breezy.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
We’ll see — I’m not a fan of having a white out for the fans but not including the actual players — let ’em wear white, too.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Oh my god… I just woke up, it’s a playoff game and Thornton has managed a point?!? I totally believe that time machine stuff now.
Thanks, true believer! I’ll put a nickel in a savings account for you back in 1903.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Nah as long as I pick a bank that doesn’t collapse, it works out better this way.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Yeah that works..
But if you really have a time machine then for the good of all mankind you’ve got to kill Don Cherry.
I already dealt with him. Why do you think he dresses that way?
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
I’ll put in a request that at a young age, you punch Hayward in the throatbox. And do something injurious to Ahlers so he’s forced to golf from the ladies’ tees.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
by Earl Sleek on Apr 16, 2010 9:30 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
I’ll have to discuss all this with Mr. Time Cube. I’ll see what I can do.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Douglas Murray is doing that thing from his team meeting about just hitting people and forgetting about D entirely. I like it.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
What happened to Nabby?
"You can always find more jam. There’s never enough jam." - Scott Nichol
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 9:40 PM PDT reply actions
I’m tempted to say it’s the playoffs … but that’s being all negative and shit on my team … sighs
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
the live crowd is mock cheering him. he should have to read it in cyberspace, too
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions
Blake really likes hurting people.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
Is this some kind of time warp puck? Is this why nobody can see it?
"You can always find more jam. There’s never enough jam." - Scott Nichol
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 9:45 PM PDT reply actions
They’ll give him some make-up love in Denver, I’d guess.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
a fleet of cabs will be waiting for him outside of the hotel to make sure he makes it to the game on time
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 9:49 PM PDT up reply actions
Booing worked on the rest of the team, maybe it’ll fire him up a little.
"You can always find more jam. There’s never enough jam." - Scott Nichol
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 9:48 PM PDT up reply actions
He jumped over him, barely touched him. Ridiculous.
Everything sucks except for the Sharks.
Battle of California
Righteous anger knows no boundaries
"You can always find more jam. There’s never enough jam." - Scott Nichol
by live every week like it's shark week on Apr 16, 2010 9:55 PM PDT up reply actions
was this season the Sharks fifth Pacific Division title or Sixth?
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:01 PM PDT reply actions
oh okay. Flyers have five, too, with no Cup, so it’s not special or anything if you guys don’t win the cup this year
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:06 PM PDT up reply actions
wait … what? … it’s not special or anything? ha! … (grumbles) of course it is
I’m so ready to throw something at the tv right now !
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
well, i mean, you’re not the WORST team at doing nothing with a division title. Flyers: 5, Sharks: 5, Ottawa: 4 and I think Buffalo 4. Of course, the other three times have made the SC Finals, but generally, in terms of coming up empty on the Cup, you still have company. If you were to win a sixth and miss out, that would be ridiculous.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:10 PM PDT up reply actions
but it’s the Sharks that get the heat each year, not the Flyers or others but Sharks. people think Sharks and automatically think chokers … it’s frustrating as hell.
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
After 99, people thought Ottawa and thought chokers.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:15 PM PDT up reply actions
all that shotblocking will bite you in the ass
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:15 PM PDT reply actions
You hear that Mr. Anderson?… That is the sound of inevitability…
One more chance for Nabby to blow it, I suppose.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
UGH! dont’ say that !!!!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
haha, but aren’t you thinking it? you said as much above.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:17 PM PDT up reply actions
Nabby’s .722 right now, so statistically, that fourth shot is money. He saves fives straight, that’s stepping it up. Statistically anyways.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:20 PM PDT up reply actions
I hope this is a long one
Seems like the marathon game is a lost art.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Apr 16, 2010 10:23 PM PDT reply actions
no!!! we dont’ want the Sharks worn down … hopefully they win this quickly … (please hockey gods I will do whatever you want!!)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
Sleek make this a series of cartoons. Hockey god slaves.
by Steven Hida on Apr 16, 2010 10:30 PM PDT up reply actions
dont’ give him ideas
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
Yeah, I’ve got plenty to work with already… made this one just in case.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
muahahahahahahahaha…this is so fuckin funny
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"
SIR SPADE-IT-CUS!!! crusader against thy heathen spelling nazi's.... defender of people who are commenting at work and dont have the time to spell/grammer check!!!
"Taste thy blade scoundrel..thou shall bleed out your arse"!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Apr 16, 2010 10:50 PM PDT up reply actions
and with this game, Sharks fans are not planning their mass death yet … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
OAFSJWHIUWHLVIUERHVLSEHRLTKHLWIUHVLEURNVLEEFLAWHEU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I know, I know, only two wins. But still…)
Has Chen been to the future also?
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
<~ sends aliens your way to do nasty experiments
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
yay your here!!!…wait ssssshhhh
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least its not crack!!"
SIR SPADE-IT-CUS!!! crusader against thy heathen spelling nazi's.... defender of people who are commenting at work and dont have the time to spell/grammer check!!!
"Taste thy blade scoundrel..thou shall bleed out your arse"!!
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Apr 16, 2010 10:51 PM PDT up reply actions
You know, two years ago I made fun of Montreal for burning cop cars and rioting after edging out an eighth seed — seemed overblown. But I think I kind of expect that from San Jose — more fitting, I think.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
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