A Summer Guide for Ducks Fans

So Ducks fans, this happened...


 

...And you probably felt bad about it.  Your season is now lost, done in by key injuries, poor defensive play and Earl Sleek.  I know what you're wondering: "What is up with Corey Perry's face?"  You're also wondering, "What do we do now?"  It's been a few years since you couldn't watch your boys in the playoffs and I'm sure you've forgotten what it's like; luckily for you, there is a fanbase intimately familiar with not making the playoffs right up the 5 to help you out.  Believe me, the only people more familiar with brutal disappointment than Kings' fans are my ex-girlfriends.  Here are a few helpful tips to get you through the summer.

1) Baseball

No one likes baseball..  Baseball has two redeeming qualities: Vin Scully, and the fact that it runs opposite to hockey.  If you're anything like me you spend 166 hours a week watching, reading and thinking about hockey; you need something to fill that gaping void in your soul, and it's not like you have a girlfriend or anything.  (Loser... wait, that's me too.  Dammit.)  You might as well follow a baseball team.

Now normally this is where I'd tell you all about the Dodgers and how great they are, but since the Kings have been good I haven't followed baseball or the Dodgers at all.  (Vicente Padilla is still on the team?  The fuck?)  Since you're from Anaheim you're probably going to follow the Anaheim Angels anyway.  Here is what you need to know about the Angels:

-They never sign any of their young homegrown players;

-Mike Scoscia is an idiot that plays shitty players over awesome ones;

-No one has heard of anyone on their team;

-They win every year.

I don't know how it works.  They lost John Lackey and Chone Figgins this off-season and it won't matter one whit.  Also, if you're going to cheer for the Angels I hope you like Hispanic position players and white pitchers. 

If you're new to baseball and are not tied down by regional affiliation, I suggest cheering for one of the Angels' rivals: the Seattle Mariners.  Why?  This is why:


They also have former Angel Chone Figgins, who is adorable.  He's like Wayne Simmonds in Oscar Moller's body.  Or like Oscar Moller in Wayne Simmonds' body.  I'm not sure how it works but you're gonna want to pick him up and shake him.

Anyway, baseball is boring but what are you gonna do, have a life?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Don't worry, I'll join your baseball watching party in like 2 weeks and we can complain about it together.

2) The Draft

When your current team sucks, often the only recourse is to turn your attention to your future team.  Unfortunately, if you're the Ducks, your future team isn't that great either.  I mean, your best forward prospect is Matt Beleskey.  Oof.  Not to worry, though; you still have Luca Sbisa, who is going to be awesome, and you have two first rounders in the upcoming draft.  And two in the next draft.  (Goddamn you, Philadelphia.)  A few tips on how to scout players and decide which ones are best for your team... haha, just kidding, no one actually does that.  Instead, what you need to do is read Bob McKenzie's article the week before the draft, find the player he picks in your draft slot, and then do one of two things when your team doesn't draft that player:

1) Declare your GM a complete idiot that deserves to die.  Since your GM will probably find you and throw a heavy object at you if you talk shit to him, I don't recommend this.

2) Declare the pick a stroke of genius and call anyone who disagrees a cocksucker.  Don't like Thomas Hickey?  Fuck you!

It's fun.  You never have to account for your opinions and it's not like anyone knows what they're talking about anyway, so just make shit up and go for a stroll.  Besides, focusing on the future means you'll forget that Steve Eminger is on your current team.  Oh, did I just remind you of that?  Sorry.

3) Talk Shit

One of the best things about getting eliminated is that no one can hurt you anymore than your team already has, so you're pretty bulletproof.  Someone can say, "Haha, your team got eliminated," but who cares?  You've already processed that pain and drowned it in alcohol.  Now you're free to talk shit on others while their pain is still fresh.  Watch a Kings game and point out how Jonathan Bernier is in the AHL every time Jonathan Quick lets in a bad goal.  Post pictures of people choking after every Sharks loss.  Try to get banned from Fear the Fin AND Jewels from the Crown.  (Don't worry about here, I don't know how to ban people.)  Your team has broken your spirit; it's only fair that everyone is as miserable and depressed as you.

4) Free Agency

The playoffs are a great opportunity to get a preview of this season's free agent crop.  First: accept that Selanne and Niedermayer aren't coming back.  It'll be easier to be happily surprised if they do sign than crushed when they don't.  If Niedermayer retires the Ducks will need a gritty defenseman in my opinion, someone that can clear the front of the net and man the penalty kill.  I think the Ducks should go hard after Anton Volchenkov if he makes it to free agency.  Sign him and you'll have a poor man's version of Niedermayer-Pronger, with Lubo in the Niedermayer role and Volchenkov in the Pronger role.  It'll almost be the same except they'll wear tight pants and smoke thin cigarettes after games.

If Selanne retires the Ducks will need another winger.  I think a good idea would be to find someone who is friends with Volchenkov and try to sign them as a package deal.  He'll probably have to be Russian, and if he were a left winger that'd be great.  Do you guys know any Russian left wingers that'll be avail... wait... no... no no no no no no...

 

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