Creative Writing Contest
by RudyKelly on Jul 21, 2010 4:31 PM PDT
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PrintImagine you're me. Now smile at the mirror and wink at yourself, you handsome devil!
Now imagine that Ilya Kovalchuk had signed with the Kings for 17 years, $100 million dollars.
Now imagine the league had voided that contract.
Put what my response would have been in the comments. Best response gets, like, a hearty slap on the back or something.
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"Playing Detroit in the playoffs is like paying your taxes. You either pay now or pay later." - Suisun Dan
My Twitter
Oh For Fuck’s Sake
- note: you would not have bothered censoring swearing
(goes off to think of something better)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
you should be on BoC as obsessively as I am … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
No I shouldn’t… I have to get at least SOME work done during the day
by AnnihilatorRich on Jul 21, 2010 6:04 PM PDT up reply actions
“Well I suppose Gretzky’s bad karma was going to catch up to us…but why now??? [omitted] [omitted]”
Cидни Kросби: Александр Oвечкин, он твой папа теперь
матовая Клими, Михал нуивирт ваш папа теперь
Red Line Station: for Capitals fans who can bear reading something less intelligent than a story at Japers' Rink
Follow me on Twitter!
I think the rage would short circuit for a bit, and you’d skip to dreamy optimism.
Ilya: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?
Rudy: Well… your contract was dead.
Ilya: Bettman cannot stop true love. All he can do is delay it for a while.
Rudy: I will never doubt again.
Ilya: There will never be a need.
(SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH)
brokenyard: Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where’s the sports? …Is this a —kissing book?
Rudy: STFU BROKENYARD, I WILL CARVE THE CBA INTO YOUR CHEST WITH MY COCK!
(goes back to fantasizing)
brokenyard: Oh.
…so it’s gay.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
by Niesy on Jul 21, 2010 5:47 PM PDT reply actions 9 recs
Nice work.
But seriously guys, you knew this shit was never going to end:
Devils! Kings! Devils! Kings! Duck season! Rabbit season! I SAY DUCK SEASON AND I SAY FIRE!!
I wonder what you’ll write when this deal actually happens.
I will probably write: Oh jesus fuck…
It's the Chicago Blackhawks man...
You know who’s fault this is? Canada’s fault. Fuck Canada.
In Lou We Trust: The system hates us, man.
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 21, 2010 6:25 PM PDT reply actions
I may be Canadian, but fuck Crosby.
In Lou We Trust: The system hates us, man.
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 22, 2010 4:20 AM PDT up reply actions
Nah...
…he gave us the gold. You’re just bitter because he’s prettier than you.
by 88fingerslukee on Jul 22, 2010 2:07 PM PDT up reply actions
As Rudy would say, there is no joy, only relief. Congrats on escaping alive.
I’m not the smartest guy in the world. I don’t read books or know how "getting pregnant" works. I can’t promise nights filled with intellectual conversation, but if we’re walking past a chain-link fence, you can rest assured that I’m going to try and chew a hole through it.
He may be richer, prettier and more talented than me…
But he’s never gonna have a beard like mine.
In Lou We Trust: The system hates us, man.
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 25, 2010 9:59 AM PDT up reply actions
The morning sun shines through Rudy’s window. As he awakens the following thoughts roll through his head…
“God, I hate Ryan Smyth’s dick nose… I’ll bet Jack Johnson orders the donkey punch combo when he orders at a drive-thru and thinks it’s funny… fuck… I hate Ryan Smyth.”
Rudy rolls over and softly caresses the cheek on the cum-crusted photo of Alex Frolov that was ironed-on a throw pillow long ago…
“Sigh…”
Rudy notices a text blinking on his cell phone: Ilya Kovalchuk signs with Kings for 17 years.
“Could it be? Has my cynicism lifted? Do unicorns exist? Is this what it sounds like when doves cry? If this is true I must resign my post as writer/rapscallion from BoC as soon as possible and focus my energy in amore positive manner. Huzzah!”
Second text: Gary Bettman rescinds Kovalchuk-Kings contract, vows to bring Evgeny Nabokov back to the NHL at all costs and pleads no contest to sodomizing dog (believed named Tugboat).
“BETTMAN!!!!!!”
Shakes fist skyward with great indignation… cries… masturbates feverishly… cries again… writes column.
by Irish Pat on Jul 21, 2010 6:40 PM PDT reply actions 2 recs
this is awesome…i havent read below this post yet….but this is the winner so far
"I just know that there are two theories when arguing with women. And neither one works."
-John Marston-
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 22, 2010 5:14 AM PDT up reply actions
Rudy Kelly: Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
Ilya Kovalchuk: They’re OK.
Rudy Kelly: Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ‘83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello or Peter Griffin, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor. Like Wishbone from the PBS children’s series.
Ilya Kovalchuk: Hey Rudy.
Rudy Kelly: Yes, my rascally Russian Rogue?
Ilya Kovalchuk: Why are their copies of the Dog Lovers Quarterly all over the place, d-do you have a dog? A little chow named Tugboat or something?
Rudy Kelly: No, Ilya.
Ilya Kovalchuk: Is that a rain coat?
Rudy Kelly: Yes it is! In ‘87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is “Hip to be Square”, a song so catchy, most people probably don’t listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it’s not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it’s also a personal statement about the band itself, in addition to the intimacy of Homo Sapiens – Canine erotica.
[raises axe above head]
Rudy Kelly: Hey Ilya!
[he bashes Kovalchuk in the head with the axe, and blood splatters over him]
Rudy Kelly: TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!
The Spirit of MeatTrain'10!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jul 21, 2010 6:44 PM PDT reply actions 3 recs
damn this is awesome too…why dont more people write in the fanposts
"I just know that there are two theories when arguing with women. And neither one works."
-John Marston-
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 22, 2010 5:16 AM PDT up reply actions
You probably would have just talked about how your definitely not gay even though you had an orgasm looking at a picture of Gregory Peck once and that vodka is for girls. Like every post.
I’m not the smartest guy in the world. I don’t read books or know how "getting pregnant" works. I can’t promise nights filled with intellectual conversation, but if we’re walking past a chain-link fence, you can rest assured that I’m going to try and chew a hole through it.
Rudy: I haven’t felt this sick since Grandpa Kelly invited me to a lemon party
Bettman's Nightmare: Until Recently, the Biggest C**block in the NHL
http://bettmansnightmare.blogspot.com/
by Bettman's Nightmare on Jul 21, 2010 10:06 PM PDT reply actions
Oh yeah...it's NSFW, or anywhere else for that matter
Bettman's Nightmare: Until Recently, the Biggest C**block in the NHL
http://bettmansnightmare.blogspot.com/
by Bettman's Nightmare on Jul 22, 2010 7:40 AM PDT up reply actions
Wildly inappropriate.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
Note: Illya calls Rudy “Colonel” at points cause of some gay role play shit they did earlier in the day.
Rudy: You’re back too fast. You didn’t get my cigars, did you? Get outta here, Illya.
[loads the .45]
Illya: I thought we had a deal.
Rudy: I welched. I’m a welcher. Didn’t I tell you?
Illya: No, what you told me was, that you gave me all the bullets.
Rudy: I lied.
Illya: Yeah, well you could’ve fooled me.
Rudy: And I did.
[pause]
Rudy: Illya, how you ever gonna survive in this world without me?
Illya: Colonel, why don’t you just give me the gun, all right?
[Rudy picks up the gun and points it at Illya]
Illya: What are you doing?
Rudy: I’m gonna shoot you, too. Your life’s finished anyway. Your friend Bettmen is gonna sing like a canary. And so are you. And once you’ve sung, Illya, my boy, you’re gonna take your place on that long, grey line of American manhood. And then you will be through.
Illya: I’d hate to disagree with you, Colonel.
Rudy: You’re in no position to disagree with me, boy. I got a loaded .45 here. You got pimples. I’m gonna kill you, Illya, cause I can’t bear the thought of you SELLIN’ OUT!
Illya: [now firm] Put the gun down, all right, Colonel?
Rudy: What? You givin’ me an ultimatum?
Illya: No, I’m…
Rudy: I give the ultimatums!
Illya: I’m sorry. All right I’m sorry.
Rudy: It’s all right, Illya. You break my heart, son. All my life I’ve stood up to everyone and everything, because it made me feel important. You do it… because you mean it. You’ve got integrity, Illya. I don’t know whether to shoot you or adopt ya.
Illya: Not much of a choice, is it, sir?
Rudy: Oh, don’t get cute now.
Rudy: I asked you a question. Do you want me to adopt ya or don’t ya?
Illya: Please? I mean, you’re just in a slump right now.
Rudy: Slump? No slump Illya. I’m bad. I’m not bad no. I’m rotten.
Illya: You’re not bad. You’re just in pain.
Rudy: What do you know about pain? hmm? You little snail darter from the Russia. What the fuck you know about pain?
Illya: Let me have the gun Colonel.
Rudy: [Rudy cocks the .45] No time to grow a dick son.
Illya: Just give me the gun all right Colonel?
Rudy: [Illya begins to move towards Rudy] I’m talking a parade ground. Ten-hut!
[Illya stops moving then begins again]
Rudy: Soldier. That was a direct order.
Illya: Give me the gun?
Rudy: You can stay or you can leave. You understand? Either way I’m gonna do this thing. Now why don’t you leave and spare yourself?
Illya: I want your gun Colonel.
Rudy: I’m gonna give myself a count. You need a count for balance. Five, four, three, two, one. Fuck it.
[He raises the gun to his head and Illya lunges for it. They struggle with it across the room]
Rudy: Gimmie it. Fuck it!
[He gets the gun away from Illya and points it at him]
Rudy: Get outta here!
Illya: I’m staying right here!
Rudy: Get outta here!
Illya: I’m staying right here
Rudy: I’ll blow your fuckin’ head off.
Illya: Then do it. You wanna do it? Do it. Let’s go
Rudy: [Rudy pulls the hammer on the gun back] Fuck! Get outta here!
Illya: So you fucked up all right? So what? So everybody does it. Get on with your life would ya?
Rudy: [screaming] What life? I got no life! I’m in the dark here. You understand? I’m in the dark!
Illya: So give up. You wanna give up? Give up ‘cause I’m giving giving up too. You said I’m through you’re right I am through. It’s all over. So let’s get on with it. Let’s fuckin’ do it! Fuckin’ pull the trigger you miserable dog fucking motherfucker. Pull the trigger.
Rudy: Here we go Illya.
Illya: I’m ready.
I'm against sigs......Fuck.
i love that movie
"I just know that there are two theories when arguing with women. And neither one works."
-John Marston-
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 22, 2010 7:38 AM PDT up reply actions
The end in the auditorium is one of my favorite monologues of all time. Pacino was amazing in that scene.
I'm against sigs......Fuck.
RUDY = AL PACINO
good work john…I got my own rudy response take Im waiting for earl to post it
"I just know that there are two theories when arguing with women. And neither one works."
-John Marston-
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 22, 2010 7:55 AM PDT up reply actions
BTW, I have posted Spade’s response to this creative challenge in its own post.
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
thanks!!!
"White trash can be pretty frightening."
-John Marston-
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 22, 2010 10:25 AM PDT up reply actions
"Oh Well"
“At least I still have, Frolove. Wait….”
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