How Ilya Kovalchuk Ruined My Life
by RudyKelly on Jul 7, 2010 11:59 AM PDT
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PrintOnce I was a moderately attractive, minimally successful blogger with a career track in mind. I had a plan of action on what I wanted to write and when I'd write it. I had a 5-year plan. I bought one of these. I had a goal.
Now, all lost in the repetitive clicking of F5. F5. F5. F5.
I can't concentrate at work. My boss will be talking to me and my eyes slowly drift to see if the Twitter tab has a (1), a (2), or dear God, maybe even a (5) because that means something has actually happened! Maybe Ilya finally si- ...no, it's just Wyshynski commenting on someone else's tweet. Goddamn you, Wyshynski, and Goddamn your pithy remarks!
My family hasn't heard from me in days. I feel closer to the random people who post things like, "Ilya's going to sign in New York and announce it the same time LeBron announces he'll sign in New York for maximum marketing opportunities!" than I do my own mother. She's no longer my family. They're my family now.
My love life has dried up. A girl will chat me up and all I can think is, "I wonder if Ilya signs with New Jersey, will we trade for Rolston? No, that doesn't make any sense. Gagne? He's kind of injury-prone but it might be worth it. I wonder how Lecavalier is doing..." I'll see her talking but all I hear is, "Kovalchuk Kovalchuk? Kovalchuk, Kovalchuk Kovalchuk Kovalchuk. Kovalchuk!" I scream, "Get away from me you Siren!" and I run, run as fast as I can. I hear her say, "Kovalchuk you, Kovalchuk!" over the howling wind.
My roommate comes home and hears a frantic noise coming from the living room. He finds me, disheveled, old editions of The Hockey News scattered around, an XBOX controller in my shaking hands. "What the hell, dude? What's that smell?" he says. "I've traded Ilya to the Kings in NHL 10," I squeal with delight. "Now I'll always have him. Take a look!"
My roommate peers at the screen, but it is black. "Umm, dude, there's nothing on."
"Don't be crazy, Ilya's mine... forever! Hold on, I just got a tweet! 'Capgeek reports that Ryan McDonough's cap hit will be $1.3!' Let me consult my charts and see how this affects the Kings' chances!" I pull out a ream of loose paper as my roommate flees from the room.
Now I'm sitting in a padded cell. They tell me I'll get help here, that I'll be far away from Ilya Kovalchuk. They tell me I'll be free. But I can never be free. Not until I find out where Ilya has signed.
F5. F5. F5.
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your first mistake was to have 5-year plan… they never work!
it would be pretty epic if he announced in august that he will retire…
Мы в любовь играли,
И как кровь из вены капает слеза.
One more year!
ha ha
I’m waiting for him to finally sign with someone, and not that I ever wish injury on anyone but early in the season he gets injured and is out for months.
don’t know why but I would find that just hilarious as hell … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
Angy, that would be hilarious as hell ONLY if it happened to the Kings. It’d be tragic, too, as someone would have to put Rudy on suicide watch. Meg, that’s your job.
Whatever happens, happens.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
Hmph. I thought you knew about bad juju. Positive thoughts! Or I start wishing bad things to happen to Patty!
Naw, wait, I could never want to hurt that face.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
I bought one of these.
Those are actually bad for you. You’re not supposed to use any sort of support, you’re just supposed to let your wrists float there.
I probably should have told you that, seeing as I’m the guy that told you to get one in the first place.
My love life has dried up.
Hah – like it could get any drier.
Ilya Kovalchuk.
It’ll never happen.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
This should totally be a reality show. Picture this happening on camera:
A girl will chat me up and all I can think is, “I wonder if Ilya signs with New Jersey, will we trade for Rolston? No, that doesn’t make any sense. Gagne? He’s kind of injury-prone but it might be worth it. I wonder how Lecavalier is doing…” I’ll see her talking but all I hear is, “Kovalchuk Kovalchuk? Kovalchuk, Kovalchuk Kovalchuk Kovalchuk. Kovalchuk!” I scream, “Get away from me you Siren!” and I run, run as fast as I can. I hear her say, “Kovalchuk you, Kovalchuk!” over the howling wind.
And then the shot freezes before this flashes across the screen.
That’s quality television right there.
Or the updated version. of that.
In Lou We Trust: Now More productive than a New Jersey Devils Powerplay
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 7, 2010 1:22 PM PDT up reply actions
Hahaha hilarious.
Mike, you’re behind the times. Update your avatar!
by AppleSweetRose on Jul 7, 2010 1:41 PM PDT up reply actions
Done!
We should play Mr. Potato Head with Marleau’s face. The only constant is the smile and the eyebrows.
the mustache just adds sooo much to one of the greatest avatars ever
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 1:49 PM PDT up reply actions
I agree!
If only someone could paste that face onto a harley driver. ..
by AppleSweetRose on Jul 7, 2010 1:52 PM PDT up reply actions
hehe
In Lou We Trust: Now More productive than a New Jersey Devils Powerplay
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 7, 2010 5:14 PM PDT up reply actions
I’d love to see a “Nic Cage as Everyone” style post with Patrick Marleau photoshopped over various people’s faces.
Proud member of the "Bring Back Semenov" Club
by PNK on Jul 7, 2010 1:56 PM PDT up reply actions
I wonder if Ilya signs with New Jersey, will we trade for Rolston?
Please do so.
In Lou We Trust: Now More productive than a New Jersey Devils Powerplay
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 7, 2010 1:19 PM PDT reply actions
You’re getting addicted to this place huh?? :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
It’s like a drug. That you can’t stop taking.
In Lou We Trust: Now More productive than a New Jersey Devils Powerplay
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 7, 2010 5:12 PM PDT up reply actions
or porn u cant stop watching….ohhh taylor rain
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 5:32 AM PDT up reply actions
i didnt know he had xbox…u asshole add me fuck face
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 1:50 PM PDT up reply actions
I don't post much
but this blog/post is so hilarious, along with most of the stuff this guy writes, I just can’t resist. Man, you are like the guy who wants the really hot, really rich chick so bad that you ignore all the really hot yet trashy chicks who are waiting to be pumped until next march. As a sharks fan I hate the kings but much, much less so than other teams because of the badass players/styles of play that they exhibit. I mean do you really want the rich chick if she’s just going to leave all her shit all over your place and drive your car everywhere, all the while complaining how shitty she thinks you still are (like in atl)? Kovy went to the devils and was trying to do way too much, and imo he will never win the cup unless he changes that. His ego is too big for this team, he needs to be in detroit or some stupid franchise with a rich legacy and you guys need to look elsewhere and use your capspace for other improvements, albeit smaller ones. I thought you guys were really gonna beat Van and you may have stood the best chance along with nashville to upset the hawks. You’re not that far away (and yes I will be flamed for saying that).
by Haie on Jul 7, 2010 2:16 PM PDT reply actions 2 recs
the really hot yet trashy chicks who are waiting to be pumped until next march
I knew Spade had a Kings twin but is this his Sharks twin?
Spade spreads?
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
like “i cant belive its not butter”
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 2:46 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
they dont like to be referred to as “trashy” i found out
its usually backwards…“richer” girls want you to call them dirty and trashy…while the trashy ones want you to cuddle them and tell them your beautiful..telling them there trashy will get your dick cut off or have your car keyed…..errrr…um..so ive heard
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 2:40 PM PDT up reply actions
STUBS-IN-PECKERHELL
Amo la manera una haba y el burrito del queso siente alrededor de mi pene.
by tu madre on Jul 7, 2010 2:57 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
oh just got it..took a 5 minute(s)
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 3:08 PM PDT up reply actions
your a franklin stubbs admirer too?…damn I thought I was the only one..
ok i dont know what the hell your talking bout..but franklin was awesome in his day
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 2:59 PM PDT up reply actions
telling them there trashy will get your dick cut off
If you wanted to keep it a secret, you should never have sent all those pictures.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
pictures? do share!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
I mean do you really want the rich chick if she’s just going to leave all her shit all over your place and drive your car everywhere, all the while complaining how shitty she thinks you still are
He can drive my car if he’ll work for peanuts…
I'm the pretty ho.
-Man, what’s up with Swarley?
-I know, you almost never see Ol’ Swarls that upset
by Nut on Jul 7, 2010 2:34 PM PDT up reply actions
Kovalchuk is going to St Petersburg to play with Nabbers… That might not be true. I don’t care as long as he doesn’t sign with the Queens.
the Queens
Bonus points for originality!
The Spirit of MeatTrain'10!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jul 7, 2010 2:59 PM PDT up reply actions
somtimes OG is the best
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 3:05 PM PDT up reply actions
*claps
;)
I'm nobody's fool, least of all yours
by BoulderDodger on Jul 7, 2010 3:05 PM PDT up reply actions
wow F5 refreshes?..Im so glad I read Boc today yay!!
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 7, 2010 3:13 PM PDT up reply actions
I just learned that too.
Makes you wonder what else we’ve been missin’
Amo la manera una haba y el burrito del queso siente alrededor de mi pene.
nice try buddy. But I googled it first.
Amo la manera una haba y el burrito del queso siente alrededor de mi pene.
I didnt doooh….your a bastard worlock
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 10:40 AM PDT up reply actions
Good thing comments for a thread autorefresh.
In Lou We Trust: Now More productive than a New Jersey Devils Powerplay
"Pfft, Wii’s where it’s at. *Swings toy plastic racquet, separates shoulder"- RudyKelly
by Kevin Sellathamby on Jul 7, 2010 5:14 PM PDT up reply actions
Great stuff.
Battle of California kicks so much behind.
Well done sir. Recommended.
It's the Chicago Blackhawks man...
This is why I love BoC.
Oh, and because they used my picture back when we were trying to vote Setoguchi into the All-Star Game.
"Shave it, and you will score." - Randy Hahn
"The last time I made a video in a hotel room…..very different than this." – Drew Remenda
Proud member of the "Bring Back Semenov" Club
This post reminds me of that old Nike commercial with the goalie who couldn’t stop Mats Sundin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u88WdovasU0
Thats amazing
Lmfao
Piece by piece we are slowly turning into the 2000 Devils team, anyone up for the A-Line: The Sequel?
by RolliePollieKovy on Jul 8, 2010 8:45 AM PDT up reply actions
The Kings found themselves out of the Ilya Kovalchuk sweepstakes again almost as quickly as they had re-entered talks on Wednesday.
hahahahaha!!
this is so ridiculously hilarious!
link here
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
im starting to to think hes KHL bound..dont let the door hit you on the way out
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 10:05 AM PDT up reply actions
dont let the door hit you on the way out
seriously, isn’t the entire NHL feeling this way about now?
hopefully they are … okay the parent in me is clearly coming out here … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
Yeah, that tactic always worked when I asked my parents for ice cream.
“Can I have a sundae?”
“No.”
“Okay, how about I have a sundae.”
“No.”
“Three scoops, that’s my final offer.”
“No. And stop that.”
“I cannot possibly go lower than three scoops. Plus, I want sprinkles. AND a cherry, just to make up to me.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM.”
Why doesn’t it ever pan out like it should?
In Dinglebarn We Trust
ha ha! and exactly what I’ve been thinking of him too lately – spoiled little brat whose parents obviously never slapped the shit out of him when he was growing up … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
My prediction is that he signs with the kings next week for 7 mil cap hit over 12-13 years
by Nut on Jul 8, 2010 10:10 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
its online…not in person..that should clear things up
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 12:43 PM PDT up reply actions
The only place you’re dashing is towards naked men.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
tsk … now I know you’ve read Derek’s post … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
Yeah it’s a lot of fun arguing with religious zealots on an Edmonton Oilers’ blog.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
Jesus was really into the hate thing. We should also all keep our beards ’cause of Leviticus.
Anyway, why does Rudy expect us to believe he’s dashing? He identifies with Patrick Marleau, for gosh sakes. Except I believe that Patty has more game.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
ive met rudy..he would never have a coin purse
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 2:08 PM PDT up reply actions
My favorite part of that whole comment section was this one:
I accept gays the same way I accept someone with turrets or autism.
Well yeah, you better accept someone with turrets, they’ll fucking put an arrow through you from 500 feet!
by RudyKelly on Jul 8, 2010 2:19 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
by Megalodon on Jul 8, 2010 2:39 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
Oooh. Dirty.
Meg > Patrick Marleau > RudyKelly on the dashing scale, that’s all I’m sayin’. Because Patty respects women, and Meg believes in footnotes.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
lets not get ridicoulous…im the dashing one here
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 3:13 PM PDT up reply actions
You have a certain charm all your own. And you’re not afraid of vaginas.
Did you ever want to be called “dashing”?
In Dinglebarn We Trust
i guess not…..when i think dashing I think a handsome slick dresser..and that im not…im more cavalier more than anything
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 5:34 PM PDT up reply actions
Well, despite your affection for Los Patos, you’ve always struck me as being more of a cunning rogue!
The Spirit of MeatTrain'10!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jul 8, 2010 6:03 PM PDT up reply actions
Maybe it’s just semantics, but I think of “dashing” as a Mr. Darcy type, or, say, the dazzling grace of Stevie Yzerman…Spade is more in the category of “rollicking good time” or “animal style.” And one’s not better than the other. Well, maybe one is a lot more fun.
I think I need to date Steve Yzerman to test this out.
In Dinglebarn We Trust
i believe in unpredictability and shooting from the hip….like the sentinels from the xmen…try to attack a different way every time
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 9, 2010 12:29 PM PDT up reply actions
Don’t you guys rec things around here?
I don’t want to impose, but in my world, comments of this nature show up with a green background.
It's the Chicago Blackhawks man...
by Campbell32 on Jul 8, 2010 6:47 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
We're not throwing around rec's like cans of Old Style in the Wrigley Field Bleachers...
Our standards at BoC rival that of Zagat’s or Conde Nast. It takes quite the wittiest of repartees to go green around these parts.
The Spirit of MeatTrain'10!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jul 8, 2010 7:04 PM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
See? All you have to do is ask.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
that was excellent Meg your on fire lately
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 1:42 PM PDT up reply actions
I’m flaming.
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
what went on in the apartment between u and rudy?
sword duels?
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 8, 2010 2:08 PM PDT up reply actions
It’s even more personal then “crossing streams.”
Amo la manera una haba y el burrito del queso siente alrededor de mi pene.
i would have liked to be a fly on the wall in there apartment
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 9, 2010 12:26 PM PDT up reply actions
Emergency whiskey update… where do you put bottles of whiskey*?! Day coming to a close, missing half a bottle of whiskey! What the fuck! It was just gone all of a sudden, roommate going to find it!!! goddamn it!
*drunk as fuck in case you couldn’t tell
And I hope you find it through this endless wandering.
Brokenyard-
Please send your Half-drunken bottles of whiskey to…
The Lindsey Lohan Libation Liberation League
c/o Century Regional Detention Facility
11705 South Alameda Street
Lynwood, CA 90262
The Spirit of MeatTrain'10!
by DodgerBlueBalls on Jul 8, 2010 6:11 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Oh man, that’s brilliant.
Check out this LOL-Kovy saga, too. Gagne kitty on injured reserve…
In Dinglebarn We Trust
Rudy, I can now say this from experience … you’re a MAXIMALLY* handsome blogger. You’re attractive beyond moderation, brah.
- Just about certain I treated the English language like LeBron treated Cleveland right there, but it needed to be said.
When I'm not battling in California:
Cycle Like The Sedins
Technically Dino-bot is a Predacon, though he was on the Maximal team after a while.
NERD POWER – ACTIVATE! WHOOOSH!
I'm just saying: I'm pretty sure this means deaf people are devil worshipers.
Battle of California
I … have no idea what that is.
When I'm not battling in California:
Cycle Like The Sedins
by jamestobrien on Jul 9, 2010 11:59 AM PDT up reply actions
By the way, sorry I’ve been absent, but I should point out — to refresh a page on a MacBook, use OpenApple-R. F5 is for hosers — looking to become one again soon. :)
"Ridin’ The Meat Train & Dreaming of Jack’s Johnson All Summer Long!"
http://www.battleofcali.com/
i almost bought dead red today at target to be in your presence again…60 bucks…but with a $10 gift card…hmm…almost did
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jul 9, 2010 12:28 PM PDT up reply actions
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