If Not for Hockey


Recently the hockey world learned that goaltender Carey Price kicks ass at rodeo stuff. If not for hockey, it definitely seems like Price could make a decent living as a rodeo superstar - and he would probably be on Versus just as much, if not more.

This story got me thinking - if not for hockey, what would other hockey players do for a living? Using a combination of my patented time machine technology with the Sliding device featured in NHL Sliders, I've been able to find out for you. Today I will reveal what jobs different current and former NHL players would have...If Not for Hockey.

Dan Boyle- If not for hockey, Dan Boyle would be an actor. On the ice he's a force both on offense on defense, and these skills will translate well to the silver screen. He has the uncanny ability to portray both hobbit-like heroes and seductive super-villains.

Ryane Clowe - Renaissance Faire Signe Paintere.

Corey Perry - Bitch.

Logan Couture - Thanks to his little brother Judson, I know that Logan's pretty good at baseball. If not for hockey, he could do that.

Chris Pronger - That one high-school teacher everybody fucking hates.

Patrick Marleau - Assistant librarian.

Alex Ovechkin - Russian mafia hit-man, then President of Russia.

Dany Heatley - Cautionary example.

Wayne Gretzky - World's greatest grocery bagger.

Kent Huskins - Based on his demonstrated hockey talent, I think he'd make a good mediocre baseball player, mediocre insurance salesman, or mediocre fast-food worker.

Niclas Wallin -Chef*.

Antero Niittymaki - Editor in charge of correcting/causing typos.

Marcel Goc - Novelist.

Douglas Murray - Hotel manager - this is actually Douglas' true passion in life. Why do you think he got that degree from Cornell?

Ryan Getzlaf - Hair Club for Men spokesman.

Scott Nichol - A little wise-guy who gets beaten up by the hero in a detective movie.

Sidney Crosby - A waiter you want to smack in the face.

Joe Pavelski - Is "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" a job?

Joe Thornton - Gay porn actor.

Sean Avery - Gay porn critic.

Gary Suter - Frankenstein.

Jack Johnson - Musician.

Bryan Marchment - Murderer.

Owen Nolan - Owner and manager of Owen Nolan Bowlin'.

Mike Grier - Football player. Because he comes from a big football family and is a huge fan, and as a demonstrably skilled athelete it would be a natural fit. Not because he's black, you terrible racist. You should be ashamed.

Jonathan Cheechoo - Lottery winner.

 

That's all for now. Have any good suggestions? Leave them in the comments.

 

* = bork bork bork.

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