We're All Doomed

In this very early season preview, Megalodon and Rudy come together to bring you a list of why all 30 NHL teams are doomed and will probably miss the playoffs.

East 


Atlanta Thrashers: So they added Byfuglien and Mason. That's something, anyway. They're certainly not as awful as they once were, for what it's worth. And what it's worth will be about 11th in the East.

Boston Bruins: After making history with their spectacular failure in the playoffs last season, this year the Bruins will discover exciting new ways to completely suck. They'll tie for the division championship at the end of the year but, with the new tie-breaker system disregarding shootout wins, will end up missing the playoffs entirely.

Buffalo Sabres: The Sabres management spent the off-season doing what they do best: designing new third jerseys.

Carolina Hurricanes: After coming close last season, the team will finally break their franchise record and go on a fifteen game losing streak.

Florida Panthers: This season the Panthers should be the 3rd best hockey team in Florida.

Montreal Canadiens: The Canadiens have one thing going for them: great goal-tending. If it weren't for Halak, this team would be completely hopeless.

New Jersey Devils:  Thanks to the Kovy contract controversy, every ref and linesman in the league will be entering the season with a predisposition to see the Devils as cheaters.

New York Islanders: The big question: Is Jonathan Tavares good enough to lead this team into the playoffs? The big answer: not even close.

New York Rangers: It may not actually be a good idea for an entire team to climb onto Marian Gaborik's back. He might break something.

Ottawa Senators: Everybody is good at something, but for this team hockey doesn't seem to be it. Maybe they're all excellent Mathletes?

Philadelphia Flyers: Chris Pronger is coming back from knee surgery, and his return date is uncertain. Hmm, a giant guy playing a punishing sport heading towards the later years of his career - he should be back in a jiffy with no lingering effects whatsoever.

Pittsburgh Penguins: In the playoffs this team couldn't beat the Canadiens, so it will be a real struggle playing against actual NHL teams.

Tampa Bay Lightning: The Lightning are going to be in big trouble when Dan Ellis quits hockey in favor of a career in brain surgery.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Hahaha

Washington Capitals: You know what this team needs to finally get some success? An offensive superstar. That's the missing piece.


West

Anaheim Ducks: The team that finished 11th in the West last season has lost Scott Niedermayer and added...um....

Calgary Flames:

Jokinen_medium


Chicago Blackhawks: You know that team that won the Cup because of their insane forward depth? About that...

Colorado Avalanche: Craig Anderson will be unable to stand on his tiny pea head for a 2nd consecutive season.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Who? 

Dallas Stars: They finally got rid of their average goalie that played 70+ games a season and replaced him with an average goalie that will play 30+ games a season.

Detroit Red Wings: Tragedy will strike when Todd Bertuzzi accidentally eats Pavel Datsyuk's head after mistaking it for a piece of candy corn.

Edmonton Oilers: Fans in Edmonton will be shocked when they see their team at the top of the standings, but it will turn out they're just holding the newspaper upside-down.

Los Angeles Kings: The signing of Willie Mitchell will amount to nothing when he injures himself during the national anthem at the season opener and doesn't play a single game.

Minnesota Wild: Martin Havlat, Mikko Koivu and Nicklas Backstrom will make a combined $17.75 million in 2012-13. I don't even have a joke for that.

Nashville Predators: They'll set an NHL record for the most players with 10+ on goals on one team with 15, and they'll set another record when their leading scorer only has 11.

Phoenix Coyotes: Coyotes fans have been insisting for years that Zbynek Michalek is under-rated, and is one of the top defensemen in the league. Without the rest of the Coyotes dragging him down, it will turn out the fans were right all along.

San Jose Sharks: After yet another season goes by without playoff success, the Sharks are going to have to face facts: it's all S.J. Sharkie's fault. Get him!

St. Louis Blues: A quick start will fizzle out after Erik Johnson shreds his arm while trying Frolf.

Vancouver Canucks: They're actually in really good shape, but I'll be a monkey's uncle before I ever take these two idiots seriously:

Sedintwins_r_medium

 

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.



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