Poni, quit doing the Humpty Hump and get back to work! (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
(My sister complained that she never understands the references in my posts, so here you go.)
Dear Alexei Ponikarovsky,
I want to love you. Really, I do. I thought you'd be the Vanessa Marcil to Alex Frolov's Shannon Doherty, pretty much the same but way hotter and without all the baggage. (And without Shannon Doherty's weird eye thing.) Instead, you've been like the Jamie Walters to Frolov's Brian Austin Green, pretty much the same but somehow even lamer and more prone to bad mistakes. Also, you'll probably only be around for about a year.
See, the thing is, the Kings were kind of counting on you this season. The Kings were pretty much done with Frolov as a person, but the production we got from him was pretty valuable. Fro commanded the Kings' 2nd power play unit, which Justin Williams has been able to do ably this season, and he also skated the 3rd most even strength minutes of any forward on the team last season. He always skated after the Kings came off a power play or penalty kill and he was usually out there after a score and he had 50 points last season and he was amazing and I loved him; you don't do any of these things. You're just kind of... there. You're like Mall Madness: you seemed cool in the commercial but you don't really work and you just end up sitting in the
closet press box.
The Kings need you to play better. I know, I know, Terry Murray is a crazy, depressed old man like Mr. Dewey and he doesn't play you very often, but that doesn't matter: you need to play better. You need to play tougher defensive minutes and you need to stop taking stupid penalties. Stop giving up the puck in the corner and gel with at least one other person on the team, whether it's Brad Richardson or Wayne Simmonds or whoever. Just play better. The Kings can't survive splitting defensive duties between you & Handzus and Trevor Lewis like they have the last 2 games; one of those lines needs to step up. Hopefully it's yours. I know you can.
C'mon, Poni. Be Jack, not Cal. Be Noah, not Lon. Be Angel, not Spike... or is it Spike, not Angel? Either way, just quit being like Xander. Quit playing games with my heart, Poni, and become a star. Like Jem.