Week 5 BoC Fantasy Report

I am going to deviate from the usual template because it can contain the amount of suckitude my team is giving off right now.  But don't worry, this post will still lack the research and grammar you have come to expect from this site.

Weekly Summary: This week is interesting because all but two of the games were fairly close, and there was only one blowout (It wasn't Spade!!!  Apparently Pancho Villa gave them an impressive pep-talk from beyond the grave)  Right now it looks like the Friesen division is the best, the person who has Giguere should avoid playing him against a team from this division.  While the worst division is the Sandstrom division (This is America, we don't use uneccesary punctuation in names Sleza)  Spade still has the worst record while the Snuffle Bunnies..............sigh, really, we are getting are asses kicked by a team called the Snuffle Bunnies, wtf?

In NHL news, two shocking stories this week, Lucic gets away with attempted Murder (My fantasy team already has enough injuries and concussions already fucker) and an AHL team, the Columbus Blue Jackets, defeat an NHL team, the Atlanta Thrashers Winnipeg Jets, wow, have fun with that team you wanted so badly Winnipig.

Premier Matchup

Bearodactyls vs. Rule 64

Bearodactyls wins in a big upset, handing Rule 64 (rule 34 + rule 63?) his first loss.

3 Stars:

1st Star-Jonathen Taves, had 2G, 4A, +6, 1GWG, 12Shots, and 41FW       Bearodactyls

2nd Star- Craig Smith, had 3G, 1A, 2PIM, 1PPP, 15Shots, and 12FW          Bearodactyls

3rd Star- Kevin Shattenkirk, had 1G, 3A, +4, 4PIM, and 7Shots  He Kirked more than he did shat.            Rule 64

Doghouse residents: For Bearodactyls Corey Potter (Just stick to being a wizard Mr. Potter) and Shane Doan did nothing for the team.  And Jagr, Schenn, and Downie were useless for Rule 64, Schenn so much that he was kicked off the team.

Reasons for Victory: Bearodactyls goalies sucked less and he got huge contributions from from a few players that carried the team.

Music Beatdown (get it, music, beats, I'm a riot I know)

Sleek and Destroy vs the Snuffle Bunnies

A close one, Sleek was just a minor penalty and 0.02 GAA away from winning it.

3 Stars:

1st Star: Nathan Horton had 3G, 3A, +1, 2PIM, 2PPP, 1GWG, and 6 shots.  Canadien coffee came through big for PNK.

2nd Star: Jamie Benn had 1G, 3A, +1, 9PIM, 1PPP, 7Shots, and 28FW.  Another huge contribution for PNK, probably should have been first star, but he is a Dallas player, so fuck him.

3rd Star: Marion Hossa had 1G, 4A, +6, 1PPP, and 13 Shots.

Doghouse residents: Chris Pronger  put up a -1, 4PIM, and only 4 Shots.  He has missed time due to injury, apparently his elbow has been bothering him, can't imagine why.  For PNK Hanzel put up some uninspiring numbers, probably misses Gretel. And an AHL player Vermette somehow snuck into his lineup.

Reasons for Victory: PNK's goalies stole a win from Sleek, winning all the categories except for save% and shutouts.  Amazing how Sleek somehow lost to Lolongo.

Metallica now has to re-earn their man card after to losing to singing bunnies.

Battle of the Kings Fans

Team Quake vs Team Quake

Rudy Kelly just barely managed to survive the Tsunami caused by the earthquake caused by Quisp.

1st Star: Henrik Lundqvist with 2 starts, 2 wins, 1.50 GAA, and a .955 SV%.  He stole the show this week and pretty much saved Rudy's ass, but he is used to saving his team's ass.

2nd Star: Derek Roy had 3G, 3A, 3PPP, 7shots, and 28 FW                              Team Quake

3rd Star: Ryan Smyth had 4G, 1A,  2PIM, 1PPP, 14Shots, 2FW.  He tried his best to carry Quisp to victory and piss off Rudy, but he ran into a hot goaltender.

Doghouse Residents: Grabo let down Quisp with a -3 and no points, while Andrew McDonald had zeros all across the board.  For Rudy it was most of the team, a few guys showed up and did enough to allow King Henrik to steal the show.  Rudy's dog because Chandler beat it up.

Reasons for Victory: King Henrik.  Quisp fell asleep at the bench and poorly managed his team, Ryan Kesler, Richard Park, and Kyle Brodziak were not started at all and that was the difference between victory and defeat.  He was probably too buzzed from drinking all that Kool-Aid.

Battle of the Sharks Nicknames

Picklesnake vs Brows

Marleau and Plank beat out Meg and VlasicBurns.

1st Star: Brows goalies, Fleury and Roloson both put up good numbers to secure the win.

2nd Star: Duncan Keith had 2G, 2A, +6, 2PPP, and 9shots.

3rd Star: Pekka Rinne I guess, no one else really stood out.  He started 2 games, had 1 win, had 1.96GAA and .931SV%.

In the Doghouse: 90% of Meg's team sucked pretty hard, Oli Jokinen only had 5 shots and 8FW for Brows.

Reasons for Victory: Meg picked a terrible team and we should all laugh at him.

Pinky and the Brain vs Corruption Central

Hoozah, the Brain succeeds in taking over Chicago.

Can somebody please beat this guy, he is running away with the division.

1st Star: Johan Franzen and the BBQ Wings seem to have righted their ship, well, it was hilarious while it lasted.  He had4 goals, 2 assists, +5, 2 PPP, 2GWG, and 14shots.

2nd Star: Brad Marchand had 3G, 3A, +5, 1 PPP,  8SOG.

3rd Star: Valteri Flipula, 1G, 4A, +5, 2PPP, 2SOG, 13FW.

In the Doghouse:  Jeeves and  D'Agostini, they didn't do anything, they were terrible.

Reasons for Victory: Chicago sucks.  Justin Braun is awesome.

Ninja Kittens

Kitten Mittons vs Certified Ninjas

The ninja ambush just barely manages to catch the kittens off guard.

1st Star: TJ Oshie, he had 2G, 1A, +3, 2PIM, 1PPP, 1SHP, 8Shots, and one faceoff win.  Certified Ninjas

2nd Star: Paul Stastny had 1G, 1A, -1, 2PIM, 2PPP, 8Shots, and 40 FW.  He has been one AngryJay's best players, especially in the faceoff department where he pretty much dominates.

3rd Star: Tuuka Rask started 2 games and won both, no losses a 2.50 GAA and a .911 SV%.

Under the Bus: Pretty much all of Nut's team.  At the beginning of the season he was billed as one of the top contenders due to his all-star lineup, but Crosby has been out all season and the rest of his team has underperformed terribly, add in no starting goalie anf you have a recipe for disaster.

Reasons for Victory: Angryjay got contributions from everyone which made it really hard to pick the 3 stars.  Kitten Mittons sucks.

Mexican Robinhood vs (Colin) White Power Some Witty Pun or whatever the fuck Plank is calling his team at this very second.

Pancho Villa's inspired speech was unfortunate undermined buy ScottyDoesn'tKnow's (PUN!) incompetence, or so Spade assures me.  It wasn't a blowout out though like the last two weeks, so Spade can drink to progress and positivity.

An all goalie 3 stars, HOOZAH!

1st Star: TIMMEH!  Howard had 3 starts and 3 wins 0 losses 1.33GAA, .948SV% and 1 Shutout

2nd Star: Halak had 2 starts, 1 win, 0 losses, .96 GAA, .961SV% and 1 shut out.

3rd Star: Nicklas Backstrom had 0G, 0A, -2........wait, what?!  He sucked!.... Oh Damn IT!!!

3rd Star: Niklas Backstrom had 3 starts, 2 wins, 1 loss (it cost Spade a point, but whatever), 1.74 GAA, .952SV% and 1 shutout.  On Second thought, his GAA was sky high and he lost a game, costing Spade the win, fuck Backstrom, he sucks.

In the Doghouse: For Spade Selami and Zettttteberg sucked, they both only had an assist.  Glencross was terrible for Plank, but he plays for Calgary so his sucking is pretty much guaranteed.  Seto was terrible also, but its obviously Heatley's fault because he is locker room cancer.

Reasons for Victory: Despite Plank not playing 4 of his players all week.  ScottyKnows incompetence was so bad that he ended up demoralizing Spades Band Mexican Robinhoods.

Horny Alligators vs San Jose Old People's Retirement Homes

The Fournikating Gators raped and came all over Ang's team.  Fortunately she wasn't there because she was at home knitting and watching Matlock.  Scottie Upshall was raped so hard he had to go on IR.

1st Star: Patrick Marleau, his stats were awesome but it was really the eyebrows that sealed the deal.  He was the only player on Ang's team not to be raped because the Gators his eyebrows would eat them alive, which was the fate of some of the horny beasts.

via 30.media.tumblr.com

2nd Star: Nabby was awesome also, its just he plays for the New York Islanders, he must have really pissed off one of the hockey gods.

3rd Star: Whichever Gator put Upshall on the IR.

Doghouse Company: Parentau and Streit for being in front of Nabby and not playing hockey but instead playing who should we let take the next shot at our goalie?

Reasons for Victory: The Fournick Gators superior know how in penetrating their opponents defenses.  No protection for Teal Blades' vital regions of defense were successful in preventing the Gators from coming hard to the net.

People Drunk on Anze Kopitar vs That showed that has for years and no one cares about anymore.

Wow, he actually has Kopitar on his team, which I would have never guessed by looking at other teams with players in their name............ Oh and the drunk zombie raccoons hate the cast of lost.

1st Star: Anze Kopitar, duh!  He was awesome he scored lots of goals and points and brought awareness of the plight of zombie raccoons.

2nd Star: The town of Pominville had a goal and 4 assists and did some other stuff that made him the best player on Keep em on the Island.

3rd Star: Mike Smith played so well he was able to upgrade the shed he lives in.

Doghouse: All 6 goalies Keep em on the Island had last week sucked.

Reasons for Victory: Kopitar.  Uncle Walt doesn't know what a goalie does.

The Super Heavy Cruiser UNSC Guiding Light vs Sir Mitchellot

The UNSC crushes these allies of the Covenant.  Through superior tactics and weapons the Super Heaver Cruiser* was able to overcome the odds and save thousands of lives.  The battle began with an orbital bombardment folloed by ODSTs and Spartan-IIs.  The Marines and heavy armour then made the frontal assualt while the Spartans and ODSTs created havoc behind enemy lines.  Longsword fighter bombers rained death from the skies and the Bumpasaurus was annihilated.  In fact the victory was so humiliating that the Final Score was wiped from record to preserve some dignity for Niesy and Grace.

1st Star: Master Chief

2nd Star: Sgt. Johnson

3rd Star: Lt. Miller for bravely facing Arbiter Lucic in one on one combat.

I realize I have spent way too much time and effort in this and have not met the standards of laziness demanded for this blog.  So here is Dan Boyle.

via assets.sbnation.com

And some sexy Asian chick.

via 28.media.tumblr.com