Kings Gameday: This Took Me 4 Days


 


 

Meg loves Bill & Ted while Earl loves choir puns.


The Kings are playing the one of the hottest teams in the league, Dustin Penner & Drew Doughty are trying to get going offensively, Ryan Smyth is back for the first time since he demanded a trade and then lied about it, Colten Teubert is inexplicably in the NHL... there's a lot of stuff going on tonight. With all that, there's one thing I couldn't get off my mind...

Doesn't Kris Humphries look like he has the forehead of Jarret Stoll, the eyes & nose of Taylor Hall, and the chin of Dustin Penner?

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You guys see it, right? Right?

Also, don't forget:

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-A lot of people are focusing on Doughty and Penner's offensive struggles and with good reason but you know who else has been shit so far? Trevor Lewis. He doesn't have a point (although he did have a nice drive to the net on Kyle Clifford's goal this season) and he leads all Kings forwards in "minuses" while on the penalty kill despite being 4th in time on ice while shorthanded. I feel kind of bad for him because he doesn't have a whole lot of help but so far he's been pretty bad.

-Simon Gagne is back and that means Dustin Penner is now in charge of improving the play of the Kings' 3rd line. It's a good role for him and I think he's going to pick it back up. Maybe. Hopefully? For Derek Zona's sake, please Dustin!

-Dear Ryan Smyth,

What a long, winding road it's been, huh? Can you believe that it's been 4 short years since you ruined Jason LaBarbera's career and just 2 years since you were traded to the Kings and tried to ruin my life? You know, it's actually kinda funny: I used to hate you so much but having you on the Kings made me hate you a little less. Not because I recognized that you weren't terrible (you are), but because I realized just how ineffectual you really are. I used to think you were a terror in front of the net and a scourge to goalies everywhere, but you're really just kind of... there. You kind of cherry pick and take shifts that last too long and barely score. You're nothing. You weren't even worth the hate I had given you all these years. I recognized this, and yet I still hated you because you were being nothing on my favorite team.

And then, the most glorious thing happened: you asked for a trade in the middle of a playoff run and then lied about it! You! Captain Canada! A coward! Man oh man, it was so sweet to watch the Kings fans that had made up reasons to love you for all those years turn on you and see you for the fiend I always knew you to be. I tried to be mad at you, but I couldn't; for you see, the one time you actively tried to screw over the Kings, you ended up helping them! The Kings were able to trade for Mike Richards, pursue Brad Richards, and sign Simon Gagne all thanks to your cowardly act. I should honestly be thanking you for your cowardice. I won't because fuck you, but I probably should be.

So now, here we are. The Kings are great and I can't even bother to care about how well or poorly you're doing. I see you're on a point-per-game pace in this young season; good for you!  But we both know it won't last. Why? Because you're not very good. The Oilers will cool off and miss the playoffs again and there you'll be, cold and alone. Then you'll retire and sign a sponsorship deal with a car dealership or something. But the important thing is, you're off the Kings and out of my life. And best of all, I no longer care about you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I won.

Sincerely,

Rudy Kelly

P.S. Try to stay warm this winter.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-2. Goals by Penner (x2), Greene, and Stoll.

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