Battle of California Fantasy Report: Week 4

via assets.sbnation.com

Yeah, so I’m the resident Ass Hat around here and owner of current laughing stock Certified Ninjas. And below, is the weekly BOC Fantasy review.

Premier Match-up

Team Tugboat vs. Sleek and Destroy

Team Tugboat wins 8-2!

MVP: Dan Hamhuis: 2 goals, 2 assists, 10 PIM, 9 shots and 3 PPP. A boffo week from the defense position for Hamhuis really padded the stats for Rudy.

LVP: Salo was hurt (Big Surprise) and Demers was scratched so it’s tough to count them. Morrow takes the cake here, managing only 2 PIM and a SOG for the week.

In a classic match-up of BOC bloggers, Rudy does some serious damage here taking most every category handily. Meanwhile, Sleek slinks back to .500 with a second straight rough defeat.

Certified Ninjas vs. Brain and Braun

Brain and Braun 9-3!

MVP: A very balanced attack, no player for pooponastick led the charge alone. Clutterbuck went ape shit for 12 PIMs, St. Louis dipsy doodled for 5 assists and Giordano blasted 13 SOG to help take each category.

LVP: Joe Corvo must have been a ghost for Halloween as his -2 and 1 SOG performance would attest to..

After a very strong first week, the Ninja’s have taken their third curb stomping in as many weeks and move closer to the outhouse. Brain and Braun stretched their division lead to an astounding 20 points after the first month.

Anzeholics Anonymous vs. Sir Mitchellot

Sir Mitchellot wins 12-2!

MVP: Patrick Kane and Loui Eriksson both drove the Anzeholics back to the bottle with a combined performance of 4 G, 9A, +10, 2 PIMs, 2 PPP, 1 SHP, 1 GWG, 20 SOG, and 12 FW..

LVP: Steve Mason did his best Kelly Hrudey impression from NHL ’94 with a 9.44 GAA and .636 sv% in 2 games.

After a 2 week losing streak, Sit Mitchellot catapults up the ladder into 5th place with this impressive showing. As for A.A., things just keep getting worse as this is their third consecutive blowout loss.

Kitten Mittons vs. BROWS

BROWS wins 11-3!

MVP: It appears Evgeni Malkin has found his health as his production is starting to see an up tick. 2 G, 1 A, +2, 9 SOG, 15 FW, nothing impressive, but this is a sign of things to come.

LVP: Aside from Sean Coutier and Alex Ovechkin, Kitten Mittons really shit the bed this week.

Kitten Mittons we’re the preseason darlings with Ovechkin, Crosby and Kovalchuk all on the same roster. Now 11 games under .500, Crosby’s return to health may be the only hope for a return to the playoff picture. Meanwhile, BROWS keep chugging along with another big victory and are now a top 3 team with an 18 point lead in their division.

Picklesnake!!! vs. Bearodactyls

Bearodactyls wins 7-6!

MVP: Jonathan Toews had a pedestrian 1 G, 2 A, and -1. But his 13 SOG and whopping 57 FW contributed heavily to Bearodactyls taking down those two categories.

LVP: Despite playing 4 games, Rene Bourque contributed a measly -2, 2 PIM, 5 SOG, and 1 FW.

In the closest matchup of the week, Meg returns to his losing ways despite an admirable performance by his team. Now in 17th place, things currently look bleak, but the last 2 weeks should provide some hope. Bearodactyls have won 3 in a row against sub .500 teams. Now they have a dance with #1 team in the league on the docket. Is this team for real?

Team Quake vs. Teal Blades

Team Quake wins 6-4!

MVP: Not a whole lot to choose from here. Ryan Kesler really filled up the score sheet, but he didn’t directly contribute to any category wins. That honor goes to Martin Biron who got a shutout in his only start, thus winning three of the goalie stats.

LVP: Keith Ballard in four games racked up a -2, SOG...wait. Thats it? Really!? What the crap dude, don’t even bother dressing.

A pair of near .500 teams battle out to a near .500 result. I’m bored by this result.

Fournick Gators vs. UNSC Guiding Light

Fournick Gators wins 11-1!

MVP: Another big week for Tyler Seguin, 3 G, A, +3, 2 PIM, PPP, GWG. This dude is looking to be a real stud.

LVP: Thomas Vanek has had an impressive start to this season. But a brutal A, +1, 2 PIM performance prevented UNSC from winning a few categories back in this shellacking.

This was a huge moving week for Fournick Gators as they recorded their first win of the season in emphatic fashion. This is UNSC’s second 11-1 loss of the season, yet still occupy 2nd place in the Sandstrom division, an astounding feat.

The Snuffle Bunnies vs. Windy City Frostbite

The Snuffle Bunnies wins 11-2!

MVP:I hate the Dallas Stars. But Jamie Benn had a good week...fuck that guy.

LVP: Up to this point, Lubomir Visnovsky has not lived up to his draft position. A -1, 2 PIM, 8 SOG week did nothing to comfort his tortured owner.

After a tough loss to Rudy, The Snuffle Bunnies recover nicely and are now sitting pretty in 2nd place. After taking a tumble down the standings, things don’t get any easier for Windy City as they face off against a top team, Brain and Braun.

Keepem on the Island vs. Some Witty Pun

Keepem on the Island wins 9-4!

MVP: Nicklas Backstrom was in top form this weekend with 3 G, 3 A, +2, 2 PIM, 2 PPP, GWG, 7 SOG, 23 FOW.

LVP: After an impressive return from suspension. Wisnewski posted a vomit inducing stat line for the week. -7, 7 PIMs, and 4 SOG.

Not even a name change from Plank could help turn the ship around this week as he hovers in the bottom half of the table. Keepem on the Island lifted themselves out of the basement of the Sandstrom division and look to do a bit more damage against a vulnerable A.A. team.

Spade’s lil bandito’s vs. Rule 64

Rule 64 wins 11-2!

MVP: Joffrey Lupul. Yes, Joffrey Lupul with a 3 G, 2 A, +2, and 2 PIM week. I don’t know how far he had to reach up his ass for that stat line, but he managed to find it none the less.

LVP: Michael Grabner’s skills must have gone over to Lupul. A -2, 2 SOG week will attest to that.

Rule 64 has firmly established his dominance with this win as they are now atop of the table by 7 points. Spade was once again the leagues punching bag as this loss drops his team to the very bottom of the league and is now in serious danger of relegation.

Now is your chance to ban me from ever writing this up again. Just leave your name, address, phone number, and emergency contact below. I wont come and find you or anything like that.

Also, major ups to Sleek for helping me figure all posting crap out. I was having some serious Rudy esque retarded moments during the process.