Why are we doing this? You can find your answer at this helpful link.
Ryane Clowe is from Newfoundland. In 2009 he played charity golf to raise money for kids who want to play hockey and for Labrador puppies that have seizures, or something.
Danny Cleary is also from Newfoundland, and was in fact the first player from that land of freezing winds and fearsome beasts to get his name on the Stanley Cup. Also "the Newfoundland bluegrass/folk band Greeley's Reel" recorded a version of one of their songs that was all about Cleary. I haven't listened to the song but since it's folk music there's a 1% chance it's awesome and a 99% chance it's irritating garbage.
Cleary wins this one I guess. Both guys are pretty boring.
Sharks - 3
Wings - 4
Zetterberg's nickname is "Zäta." When he played in the Swedish leagues he was nicknamed "Zetty the Grizzly Teddy." Wikipedia says this nickname was due to Zetterberg's facial hair, but that sounds suspiciously like a cover-story to me.
Henrik has won a bunch of international medals and was a Conn Smythe winner for the Wings' 08 Stanley Cup run. Yawn.
Anything else? Oh, there's this:
In 2007, Zetterberg appeared lightly disguised under the name Henrik Berg in a Swedish novel – Mitt Timmerå – by Emil Siekkinen.
"Mitt Timmerå," of course, is Swedish for "Grizzly Teddy Man Love."
Zetterberg wins this one.
Sharks - 3
Wings - 5
Dany Heatley was born in Germany, won the Calder Memorial Trophy, and got hit in the eye with the puck one time and now has a creepy permanently-dilated pupil that makes him look like a James Bond villain.
Ottawa Senators fans really really hate Dany Heatley, which is funny.
Todd Bertuzzi's Wiki page is longer than Mitt Timmerå. In the minor leagues Todd Bertuzzi once got suspended for 15 games for kicking a guy. He started his NHL career with the Islanders but couldn't handle the pressure, so got shipped over to Vancouver. In 2003 he taunted fans in Minnesota during the playoffs when he "walked by the Xcel Energy Center box office and told Wild fans they would not need their Game 6 tickets because Minnesota would be eliminated by then." The Canucks had a 3-1 series lead but ended up losing to the Wild in seven games.
And that is all the notable stuff that has ever happened to Dany Heatley and Todd Bertuzzi.
Bertuzzi wins I guess, though his "interestingness" is mostly of the "big jerk" variety.
Sharks - 3
Wings - 6
Devin Setoguchi is, according to his Wikipedia, "also known by the nicknames The Gooch, and Seto." In other news, I've fallen madly in love with whoever added the citation to "The Gooch."
Setoguchi is also apparently "Half-Yonsei" which I guess means "fourth-generation Japanese immigrant" but to me sounds like something from Star Wars.
Tomas Holmstrom's Wiki page is pretty straightforward. He's a good player - we get it, people. I'm trying to do a series preview here, give me something I can use!
Oh, his nickname is "Homer"? That's fine I guess, but it doesn't beat "The Gooch."
Nothing beats "The Gooch."
Sharks - 4
Wings - 6
During the lockout Joe Thornton went to play in the Swiss national league on a team with Rick Nash and Niklas Hagman which won the league championship. In 06-07 Thornton became only the third player in league history to record back to back 90 assist seasons - the other two players to do it were Gretzky and Lemieux.
Joe is married to the ridiculously-named "Tabea Pfendsack." He became a naturalized U.S. citizen in 2009, and back in 2003 he fought some cops with his brother.
In Detroit they play the song "Bottoms Up" when Datsyuk scores a goal, which seems like an odd choice. When he was young he played soccer in Russia and was known as "the boy with the twitchy walk."
The rest of Datsyuk's Wiki page talks about boring stats and stuff, which doesn't get him any points with me.
Jumbo Joe wins!
Sharks - 5
Wings - 6
Ah, the Patrick Marleau Wiki page. I remember it well. It contains the most aggressive citation battle ever to center around a hockey player's birthplace. Behold:
Even his birth, the first thing that ever happened to Patrick Marleau, is a fascinating controversy!
Patrick Marleau is the all-time Sharks leader in goals, even strength goals, power play goals, points, shots, and games played. I consider these accomplishments a personal favor from Marleau to Sharks fans, since we don't have to remember a whole bunch of different player names when listing our all-time franchise leaders in stuff.
Johan Franzen is nicknamed "The Mule" because, according to Steve Yzerman, "he carries the load."
"Carries the load," huh? I'll bet he gets along really well with Zetty the Grizzly Teddy.
In the playoffs in 2009 against the Blackhawks Franzen ripped Patrick Kane's mouth-guard out during a scuffle and threw it down on the ice. That will go down in history as the toughest thing a Swedish dude has done since the age of the Vikings.
Johan's ability to carry loads notwithstanding, Patrick Marleau wins due to the furious citation battle on his page.
Sharks - 6
Wings - 6
Oh no - we're tied! But don't worry - there is still one more volume yet to come, which should help us decide once and for all which team will win this series, perhaps!