Vignettes From The Life of Chris Moorhouse: Accidental Racist

Recently, some people took Chris Moorhouse's throwing of a banana peel at Wayne Simmonds to be "racist." This is false; he was clearly trying to get Simmonds to slip on the peel a la Mario Kart. Alas, this is not the only time that Moorhouse has been unfairly accused of racism: from the time Moorhouse mispronounced the country "Niger" until now, he has been hounded by incidents just like this for years. Here are other instances:

***

When Moorhouse was in elementary school, he had to write a short story. Chris made himself the protagonist of the story and made the antagonist a mischievous bunny rabbit named Randolph. In the story, Randolph stole Chris's toys and took them to his lair deep in the Amazon Jungle. Chris eventually found Randolph and retrieved his toys after many misadventures. Chris's story, "Why I Hate Jungle Bunnies," was not well received.

Moorhouse's high school instituted a new food policy during his sophomore year. No more junk food and soda, the policy decreed; instead, students would be offered fresh fruits and various types of juice to drink. Moorhouse was outraged at the new policy, and was telling his classmates as much in class.

"This new policy is ridiculous!" Moorhouse said. "We're young adults, we should be allowed to eat whatever we want! If anything, it should be the opposite. Juice? Who drinks juice? I hate juice! JUICE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN SCHOOL!"

Principal Leibowitz was walking by and was not amused.

***

In college, Moorhouse's roommate was telling him how a mutual female friend was trash talking before their interleague softball game that night. Moorhouse laughed and said, "You should bean her tonight."

"What's that?" said Moorhouse's roommate from the next room.

"I said you should bean her!" Moorhouse said a little louder.

"Sorry I still can't hear you!"

"BEAN 'ER!!!" Moorhouse yelled.

Suddenly, Chris noticed that his RA, Javier, had entered the room.

***

Moorhouse was walking to his Ontario home on a particularly windy day. 'Man,' he thought,' this wind sure is kicking up a lot of dust. I can't let any get into my eyes.' Moorhouse then pulled his eyes shut with his fingers to provide some safety from the dust cloud. Unfortunately, it impaired his vision; it impaired it so much that he didn't notice his Chinese mailman rounding the corner.

***

Just today, Chris ordered pizza from a local store. The delivery man, named Antonio, brought Chris his pizza and Chris paid him. As Chris received the change he said, "Thanks, you greasy wop!"


Poor guy. Just misunderstood.

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