Weekly Summary: Kings can't score, The Ducks still suck, The Sharks retake their rightful place atop the Pacific. The NHLPA does the right thing and blocks realignment, but many fans cry and throw a tantrum because they are retarded. The Canucks and Bruins unfortunately didn't kill each other, and Thornton is still better than Baldy.

Premier Matchup

Bearodactyls vs The Snuffle Bunnies

The rabbits are trampled by bears and then shat on by the pterodactyls. Well ok, it was a lot closer than that. Snuffle Bunnies also lose the stupidest name contest to the Ducks.

1st Star: Carey Price took 4 points for Bearodactyls, he had 2 starts, 2 wins, 2.00 GAA, and a .922 SV%.

2nd Star: Jaime Benn was a scoring machine, but he plays for Dallas, so fuck him. He also has two first names, what a tool.

3rd Star: Patrice Bergeron had 4 goals, 2 assists, +6, 2 PIM, 9 shots, and 29 faceoff wins. A Bruin with only 2 penalty minutes, what a wuss.

Cloutier of the Match: Corey Crawford lost all three games he started and sucked so bad that Roberto Luogo's stellar performance was wasted.

Reasons for Victory: Corey Crawford sucked so hard his teamates thought he was a duck.

Sleek vs BoCs own Femme Fatales

Earl wins, and Niesy and Grace now have ot do whatever he says for the next week.

1st Star: Jack Johnson haha, just kidding. Pavel Datsyuk (Sleek and Destroy) had 1 goal, 3 assists, +3, 1 GWG, 7 shots, 34 FW.

2nd Star: Jonathen Quick backstopped Sleek's team with 3 starts, 1 win, 1 loss (the Kings ask what this offense is you speak of), a .66 GAA, a .967 SV%, and 1 shutout. I miss the days when Kings and goalies were mentioned in the same sentence and people laughed.

3rd Star: Loui Ericson was the lone bright star for the ladies' team, 1 goal, 6 assists, +7, wait, he is also on Dallas, fuck him too. He should be on the Red Wings since he is Swedish.

Baldy of the Match: Max Pack and John Carlson combined for just 1 assist, -3, 2 PIM, 7 shots for Sir Mitchellot.

Cloutier of the Match: Ondrej Pavelec, was pretty bad, rendering Bach's great overture completely mute.

Reasons for Victory: Sleek had across the board contributions, great goaltending, Niesy and grace had the opposite of those things.

PICKLESNAKE!!!! vs Some Witty Pun

Plank was made to walk the plank and got eaten by a giant shark.

1st Star: Jumbo Joe (Picklesnake!!!!) provided a large chunk of the offense for Meg because his team didn't score much. He had 1 goal, 2 assists, +4, 1 GWG, 12 shots, and 17 FW.

2nd Star: Jesus Greiss had 1 start, 1 win, a 1.00 GAA, a .958 SV%. He allowed the one goal because he is Jesus Greiss and he gives to the poor and less fortunate.

3rd Star: Daniel Sedin had 1 goal, 2 assists, +0, 4 PIM, 1 PPP, 1 GWG, 16 shots.

Baldy of the Match: Too many to choose from, seriously these two teams sucked.

Reasons for Victory: Meg's team sucked less. Plank only started 8 of his players all week.

Team Tugboat vs BROWS

The eyebrows of Marleau were no match for Rudy's tugboat. Its interesting to note that both managers only started 9 players last week.

1st Star: Henrik Lundqvist allowed Rudy to take 5 out of 6 goalie categories. He had 3 starts, 3 wins, 1.50 GAA, anda .959 SV%.

2nd Star: Jason Spezza literally won half the faceoffs for Mike, and was his biggest producer with 2 goals, 2 assists, +4, 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 13 shots, and 59 FW.

3rd Star: Danny Briere (Team Tugboat) had 3 goal, 1 assists, +1, 7 PIM, 1 PPP, 1 GWG, 18 shots and 19 FW.

Baldy of the Match: Stephane Robidas (Team Tugboat) went +1 and had just 2 shots.

Reasons for Victory: Goaltending stole a win for Rudy as he lost the skaters categories 4-3.

Brain and Braun vs Spade's lil Banditos

Another crushing defeat for Spade and Scotty. They only started 7 players and it cost them dearly.

1st Star: Henrik Zetteberg (Spade) had 6 assists, -1, 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 10 shots, and 14 faceoff wins in a futile attempt for victory.

2nd Star: Dan Boyle (Brain and Braun) had 4 assists, +6, 1 PPP, and 19 shots. He's Dan Fucking Boyle bitches.

3rd Star: Johan Franzen (Brain and Braun) had 1 goal, 3 assists, +4, 2 PIM, 1 GWG, 8 shots, 1 FW.

Baldy of the Match: Teemu Selanne only had 3 goals and 9 shots, and no assists. He clearly needs to retire.

Reasons for Victory: Johan Hedberg's 1 start was enough to win most of the goalie categories. Spade and Scotty did not start their full roster of players.

UNSC Guiding Light vs Windy City Frostbite

The windy city proves to be too cold and windy for my players, especially Miller.

1st Star: Antti Niemi had 3 starts, 3 wins, a 1.62 GAA, and a .942 SV%

2nd Star: Craig Anderson looked at hot chicks then had 3 starts, 2 wins, a 1.91 GAA, and a .942 SV%

3rd Star: Zach Parise had 1 goal, 4 assists, +2, 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 1 SHP, 9 shots, and 1 FW, he needs to do better though to counteract Miller.

Baldy of the Match: Ryan Miller. I thought he would have a big bounce back year, instead Lucic bounced his head off the ice.

Reasons for Victory:Goaltending.

Team Quake vs Fournick Gators

The gators didn't get their wood hard enough on the ice and lose a tight one to Team Quake.

1st Star: David Krecji had 3 goals, 3 assists, +5, 2 PIM, 2 PPP, 8 shots, 30 FW.

2nd Star: Phil Kessel had uh, um...., uh 3 goals, 1 assist, he went uh...+4, he had uh, 1 Pension Plan Puppet, uh 1 GWG, and uh, 11 shots. uh.

3rd Star: Martin Biron, for sucking less than the other goalies.

Baldy of the Match: The goalies, only Biron had a save percentage above .900, but it was still .905

Reasons for Victory: Vlasic.

People Drunk on Kopitar vs Rule 64

Kopitar Christ was unable to deliver the raccoons to the promised land this week.

1st Star: Joffrey Lupul (lol Anaheim) was huge for Rule 64 with 2 goals, 5 assists, +3, 1 PPP, 1 GWG, 9 shots, 1 FW.

2nd Star: Claude Giroux (Anzeholics Anonymous) had 1 goal, 2 assists, -3, 1 PPP, 9 shots, 46 FW.

3rd Star: All goalies not name Steve Mason and Khabibulin. None of theses goalies had a GAA above 1.68 and a save percentage below .944.

Baldy of the Match: Goalies named Steve Mason and Khabibulin, they were terrible, so was Viktor Stallberg.

Reasons for Victory: The Raccoon was foiled in his efforts by some stupid movie called Pocahontas.

Kitten Mittons vs Keep em on the Island

Nut's kittens lose a close one. Chandler is not pleased by their performance.

1st Star: Jonas Gustavsson started 3 games, won 3 games, a 2.01 GAA, .933 SV%, and 1 shutout. He single glovedly won it for Uncle Walt.

2nd Star: Ilya Kovalchuck had 3 goals, 1 assist, 2 PIM, 1 PPP, 1 SHP, 2 GWG, and 24 shots. He is a big reason Nut dominated the skater categories.

3rd Star: Jason Pominville (Keep em on the Island) had 2 goals, 2 assists, +2, 1 PPP, 9 shots, and 7 FW.

Baldy of the Match: Mathieouw Garon had 2 starts, 2 losses, a 4.51 GAA, and a .857 SV%. He cost Nut the win.

Reasons for Victory: Great goaltending from the Monster, terrible goaltending from Garon. Goaltending has been the DiPietros groin of Nut's team all season.

Teal Blades vs Certified Ninjas

AngryJay utterly dominates Ang. Ang was so thoroughly dominated it reminded her of how thoroughly Washington dominated the first American election.

1st Star: Patrick Eyebrows was the only bright spot for Ang as he had 2 goals, 4 assists, +4, 1 PPP, 1 GWG, 18 shots, and 7 FW.

2nd Star: Alex Pietrangelo had 1 goal, 5 assists, he went a +2, 2 PIM, 4 PPP, and 12 shots.

3rd Star: The rest of AngryJay's team.

Baldy of the Match: Most of Angy's team.

Reasons for Victory: It should be blatantly obvious.