Sometimes you don't really need these pointless pre-joke sentences.
Here's my report on a new series of wines inspired by NHL teams:
Anaheim Ducks wine: Strong notes of citrus. Makes you really dizzy.
Los Angeles Kings wine: I thought this was going to be good but I ended up sending it back. It was all corky.
San Jose Sharks wine: Starts off fresh and bold but ends on a bitter note.
Toronto Maple Leafs wine: Franzia boxed wine. Popular but awful.
Winnipeg Jets wine: Tastes like a bus. Frozen solid.
Pittsburgh Penguins wine: This wine would be really good if the grapes weren't always damaged.
Detroit Red Wings wine: Tastes like, and is, malt liquor.
Vancouver Canucks whine: "We're not even tough why do people hate us?"
Boston Bruins wine: Sold in a solid gold bottle, tastes like piss and glory, and is called "Hubris."
New York Islanders wine: I didn't get a chance to try this one because Rick DiPietro broke all the bottles.
Ottawa Senators wine: Voted "Best Wine in the World" by the Ottawa Senators Winemaker's Association.
Nashville Predators wine: Strong notes of country spices, fried chicken and gravy.
New Jersey Devils wine: It tastes pretty good I guess but it costs $1000 a bottle.
Dallas Stars wine: I hate this wine.
Minnesota Wild wine: For this wine they don't press the grapes, they just wait and allow them to regress to the mean.
Washington Capitals wine: The key flavor in this Russian wine falls flat. The result is disastrous.
Florida Panthers wine: The flavor is a strange mixture of cinnamon, asparagus, strawberries, and old car tires. Somehow, it tastes great.
Buffalo Sabres wine: This wine doesn't age well, and has gotten very bitter since its peak in 1999.
Montreal Canadiens wine: A distinctive mixture of citrus and sweet flavors with a strong aroma, this wine - I'm sorry, I won't get a chance to complete this joke. I've just been informed that I've been traded to Matchsticks and Gasoline.
Edmonton Oilers wine: Far too immature to be taken seriously.
Columbus Blue Jackets wine: Tastes like shit.
Prediction: You don't understand my plight.
Thanks for Rudy for help with this post. He is the Jack to my Miles.