Sharks Gameday: YOUR ARE CHOSEN BY GOD.

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 7:00 AM PST

This post isn't going to have a lot to do with hockey. It's much more important than that.

For today's gameday I would like to take the time to publicly reply to a very interesting e-mail I received recently.

Subject: YOUR ARE CHOSEN BY GOD.

This is really exciting you guys.

I've never won anything before in my whole life (obviously, I'm a Sharks fan) but now out of nowhere I've apparently been noticed by GOD! He must have read my article about Winnipeg. That was really popular.

The only part about this line that worries me is that it says "YOUR ARE CHOSEN BY GOD." What exactly of mine has been chosen by God? This is important. If it's my shoes or something I guess he can have those but I'm not letting him near my PS3.

Good day
Private Message to you,

The lord spoke to me to share this with you. Please kindly sympathize with my current situation and assist.

I promise I'll do what I can to be sympathetic.

My name is Isabella Carmel, I escaped tsunami disaster some time ago which affected my spinal cord, my ear drum and claim my entire family, husband and two sons.

Sounds to me like you need to work on your "escaping" skills.

Crap, I was supposed to be sympathetic. My bad.

Right now I was discharged from hospital after spending many days. It might be a shock to you to know that I was eventually disabled due to the catastrophe that stroke me,

Tee hee, "stroke me."

I was now on a wheelchair after all form of treatment.

Why do we get IN a wheelchair, but ON a rollercoaster?

Why do we get ON a plane, but IN a car?

Why do we see something ON a TV show, but IN a movie?

Why do we wait IN a line at the DMV, but some people from the East coast stupidly think we wait ON line?

Seriously what's the deal?

I have decided to give arms to the needing in the societies.

This sentence raises many questions.

1) Is this lady going to give guns to poor people? I'm not sure how I feel about that.

2) Maybe she doesn't mean "arms" as in guns, but "arms" as in the things that connect your shoulders to your hands? She wants to give those kinds of "arms" to the "needing"? So maybe she's looking to help out people who don't have arms? That's awfully specific, Isabella. And are you sure this is what God would want you to do? I mean, if God wanted everyone to have arms he could do that himself, right?

Don't interfere with God's plan to take away certain people's arms. That's always been my motto.

Moving on.

This should be a legacy laid down by me on earth therefore I decided to build charity organizations for the less privilege as my health has finally confirmed deteriorated so badly. With my present condition this project could not be executed personally by me due to my ailment.

I've lost interest in the e-mail now. Get back to the stuff about how God says I'm awesome.

However your kind assistant is required to make this dream a reality.

Oh what?

I don't have an assistant, let alone a kind one. Rudy sort of helps me some times I guess, but he's an asshole.

Sorry lady, I'm afraid I can't help you.

I have intend to invest the sum of $10.6M USD I deposited in (OVERSEA CREDIT COMMISSION) to help the less privileged. Perhaps you are chosen to help receive these funds from where it was deposited, and also to build charity organizations for the less privilege with it

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

10.6 million dollars? Wow! Think of all the stuff I could buy with that...for charity, I mean. Right. Right. The money is for charity.

I hope charity likes jet skis!

Please I will appreciate if you indicate interest to help actualize this dream and also include your contact telephone/fax numbers that will be forwarded to the (COMMISSION OFFICIALS) for onward communication with you as my appointed beneficiary on how to transfer the funds to you. I will provide you the legal documents that will enable you claim the funds.

I literally cannot type fast enough. This is awesome.

If you are willing and ready to assist in this project, please e-mail me at (screw you scammer) without delay, while I wait to hear from you. Thanks once again for your kindness may God guide and reward you in all your endeavors as you make me realize my last dreams and wishes.

Jet skis, here I come!

Remain blessed.

You too!

Peace.

Next Game

San Jose Sharks
@ Calgary Flames

Tuesday, Jan 24, 2012, 6:00 PM PST
Scotiabank Saddledome

Complete Coverage >

This is the last game before the all-star break. The Flames suck, so hopefully the Sharks will be able to head into the break on a win.

San Jose needs the rest. A bunch of players are hurt, and the team has looked pretty disorganized lately. Things are not going well. It's nice that the only Shark that has to go play in the ASG is Logan Couture.

I'm getting kind of nervous about how this season is going, to be honest. I'm worried about how the team has been playing, and how they are going to cope with a super-busy March right before the playoffs start.

Ah well. At least soon I'll have dozens of jet skis to help me deal with the stress.

Prediction: I talked to God and he told me the Sharks are going to win. If they lose tonight then I guess that proves there's no God.

Today's movie is Die Hard. Earl drew a cartoon about the movie once, so here you go.

Tweet Comment 35 comments | 6 recs |

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Comments

Sounds to me like you need to work on your “escaping” skills.

hahahahaha

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 24, 2012 7:05 AM PST reply actions 3 recs

GO SHARKS!

However your kind assistant is required to make this dream a reality.

Wasn’t there was one when the goal of the day was being nice. To see if that would help the Sharks out.

Anyways – I am truly surprised that emails like these do work.

GO SHARKS!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin (see profile for more info on this quote)

by Angy on Jan 24, 2012 8:06 AM PST reply actions

At first I thought the movie of the day was Brewster’s Millions. Boy was I WAY off.

"Its not so much me as it is Roenick, hes good" - Vince Vaughn

"Its not so much Kontos as it is me, I'm good." - Angryjay93

by angryjay93 on Jan 24, 2012 8:23 AM PST reply actions

So did you get the money?

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!
Good job Giants, now win 3 more world series titles and then you just might be worthy of being mentioned in the same league as the A's.
THAT IS NABOKOV IN NET NOT NITTYMAKISHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!
San Jose: Being Kept save from ferocious enemies by the Sharks and Earthquakes since 91 and 96.

by Diamondback15 on Jan 24, 2012 9:41 AM PST reply actions

Why would anyone want your arms?

They didn’t appear to help much in your escaping the tsunami. If I were needy and you rolled up to me with a cleaver and was all, “here, chop off my arms, they’re yours,” I’d probably say, “thanks, but no thanks, lady.”

On the other hand, I could definitely get behind a charity that straight-up gives weapons to the desperate. We’ll find out pretty quickly if that whole “armed society is a polite society” theory is correct.

Picklesnakebit since 2011.
@shampeon

by ievans on Jan 24, 2012 11:53 AM PST reply actions

If I were needy

*needing

"The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace." -Owen Nolan
Battle of California

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 12:05 PM PST up reply actions

I’m needing a lot of things, but some paraplegic woman’s arms are not one of them.

Picklesnakebit since 2011.
@shampeon

by ievans on Jan 24, 2012 12:08 PM PST up reply actions

Maybe the subject of the e-mail was supposed to be:

YOUR ARMS ARE CHOSEN BY GOD.

In that case, Isabella, I must politely decline. I need functional arms for blogging, tweeting, and at least one other activity that I can think of.

"The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace." -Owen Nolan
Battle of California

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 12:08 PM PST up reply actions 1 recs

God has a very special plan for you. More specifically, your arms.

God is James Spader in “Crash.”

Picklesnakebit since 2011.
@shampeon

by ievans on Jan 24, 2012 12:12 PM PST up reply actions

Why do we see something ON a TV show, but IN a movie?

Seriously, what the hell?

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 24, 2012 12:00 PM PST reply actions

After years having to address these questions for ESL students, I developed answers. They may not be the RIGHT answers, but often all you need is AN answer.

We see something ON TV because it is broadcast out to us, like a radio, and ON was the word we used for radios (for some reason). Also the image is projected ON a screen (same with movies, but shhhh).

We see something IN a movie because it’s drawing attention the fact that you are IN a theater. When movies were first being discussed there was no such thing as watching a movie at home ON your TV, so nobody got confused.

Anyone else have other guesses?

"The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace." -Owen Nolan
Battle of California

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 12:04 PM PST up reply actions

Excellent post you hippie. Your tweets about Thomas last night were great as well.

by ScottyKnows on Jan 24, 2012 12:20 PM PST up reply actions

Come to think of it, have Tim Thomas and Adolf Hitler ever been seen in the same room together?

by meetyourmako on Jan 24, 2012 4:27 PM PST up reply actions

The act of watching a movie is immersive. There’s a big screen, and the characters and images dominate your field of view. The characters appear to be in your world.

Television, especially when it first arrived, did not dominate your field of view. The characters are just sort of there on the screen.

Also, there are a lot of shows on the television, but you typically only go to one movie. So an actor or show was on the television for a while before another actor/show came on, while the actors are more directly connected to the single experience of watching a movie.

Just a theory.

Picklesnakebit since 2011.
@shampeon

by ievans on Jan 24, 2012 12:20 PM PST up reply actions

Because television is broadcasted and movies are not.

Proud member of the "Bring Back Semenov" Club
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by PNK on Jan 24, 2012 1:23 PM PST up reply actions

And Meg already said that

by PNK on Jan 24, 2012 1:23 PM PST up reply actions

Yeah didn’t you read that ON my comment?

"The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace." -Owen Nolan
Battle of California

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 1:26 PM PST up reply actions

No

I read it in your response.

by PNK on Jan 24, 2012 2:14 PM PST up reply actions

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The West Coast is the Best Coast.

by RudyKelly on Jan 24, 2012 2:54 PM PST up reply actions

Why do we get IN a wheelchair, but ON a rollercoaster?

Why do we get ON a plane, but IN a car?

After careful consideration, I think this is because we can walk onto a plane or a boat, but we have to climb into a car and can’t move freely once we’re inside.
Rollercoasters, I think, use “on” because the rollercoaster includes the track and is similar to a “ride,” which one also goes “on.”

by meetyourmako on Jan 24, 2012 3:45 PM PST up reply actions

we can walk onto a plane

Or IN to a plane.

"The beating hearts of other creatures are like needles in my brain. Only once I have silenced them all will I have peace." -Owen Nolan
Battle of California

by Megalodon on Jan 24, 2012 4:05 PM PST up reply actions