Soon I'll be living the dream.
I guess after my public reply to a previous e-mail, everybody with millions of dollars to give away has decided to contact me.
Life is good.
Today's message comes from a man known as "Mr.Peter CHANG Lee." I don't know why "CHANG" is in all-caps. I assume that's how they do things in Hong Kong.
I have bolded certain parts of the e-mail which I consider to be especially important.
My sincere apologies if this letter causes any form of Irritation or embarrassment or,i would want to demand a high level of maturity from you while reading this letter.
"A high level of maturity"? Well then I'm your man.
I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.
Yeah Isabella Carmel is probably telling all her millionaire business friends about me. Do you see how it works, people? You do something nice for someone else and you get rewarded for it. That's what the Buddhists call "Karmel."
I am proposing a very high profiled business transaction to you with returns very lucrative. In the pursuit of this business, it involves huge specific amount that i can't mention here for security reasons. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country.
Well isn't that a coincidence? A "huge specific amount" of money is exactly what I've been looking for lately.
Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch.
Will Smith will not be involved in any way.
Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
Nobody reads this blog anyway, right?
If you feel you can handle this project, please let me know so that i send you attached comprehensive details of this transaction. I will prefer you reach me on my private email address (BLAH) you would be given more information upon your response to this correspondence.
My reply has already been sent. See below.
Once again my apologies if this letter cause any form of embarrassment to your personality.
My personality is just fine.
Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because i am putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture, although nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Don't worry, Peter CHANG Lee, it probably won't be necessary to hunt you - provided you aren't trying to cheat me, of course.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated but if you are not interested delete this email immediately.
I'd have to be a fool not to reply right away, right? But I was also a little concerned. This e-mail was sent to my "Megalodon" gmail account, which is only really supposed to be for blog stuff. Luckily I have another e-mail address I reserve for exactly these sorts of high profiled business transactions (which are very lucrative).
Here is the reply I sent to Mr. Peter CHANG Lee from the e-mail address "firstname.lastname@example.org":
As requested I am responding to your business enquiry. Please give me more infomration and let me know what I have to do to help you out with this, and how it will benefit me finasically.
Within 24 hours I received a reply.
Needless to say, I was pretty happy.
I thank you very much for your response to my email i am very glad you have replied and I hope we can work this out as quickly as we can.I urge that you keep every detail of this intended business to yourself as I still work for the bank and even after the successful completion; details have to be kept discreet for the sake of the future. Let me use this opportunity to reassure you that this project is 100% safe and risk free as you have nothing to worry about.
I promise that I won't divulge any details of our intended business to anyone except my trusted financial advisers: the loyal readers of Battle of California.
Before i go into further details, please be informed that i am writing without any other person(s) pre-knowledge of my contacting you on this transaction. Therefore i will appreciate same attitude to be maintained by you all through.I have taken my time to respond to your email and to outline details of this pending transaction of ours, I need you to please study carefully and respond back with the required details, as this will enable me have a local solicitor here begin and prepare the required paperwork for the release of the said funds.
Boooooooooooooooooooooring.You best start talking about the Benjamins, Lee.
Once again,i am Mr.Peter CHANG Lee, I work with the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Mr.Gerald who was with the Iraqi forces and also businessman, made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Nineteen millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch.
Wow! Nineteen millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is like Dan Ellis money!
Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war which began in 2003. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him.we later found out that he was dead.
I'm sorry what were you saying? I was busy doing the math and trying to figure out how many jet skis I could buy with all that money. I even showed my work:
The uniqueness of your last name has made it possible for us to come together and carry out this pending business transaction with a view to sharing some decent money. I had to take time to outline the stages so I can have you understand clearly the picture of this transaction. I want you to carefully study this email and provide the details required so I can subsequently provide you with the required documentation that show proof of the Late Gerald's funds.
Uh oh, we may have a problem. My real name is not associated with my Megalodon gmail account, where the first e-mail was sent. Does Mr. CHANG Lee need someone with the last name of "Megalodon"? Because for 19 millions dollars I will get it legally changed.
On second thought, this lengthy reply was sent to my Owen Nolan e-mail address, so maybe Mr. Lee thinks my last name is "Nolan"? I'll have to play along for now - although I feel bad about deceiving an honest businessman like Mr. Lee.
After further investigation it was also discovered that Mr.Gerald did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Nineteen Millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars($19,500,000.00) is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration 8 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.
This is the saddest story I have ever heard. To hell with Isabella's tsunami charity whatever - I need to focus on righting this egregious wrong.
Don't worry Mr. Lee, I'll help you rescue this money!
Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that i will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Mr.Gerald so that you will be able to receive this funds.
Yes. I will do that.
I want you to know that i have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Mr.Gerald, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with the required data's so that the attorney can commence his job.
Sounds like you have the MODALITIES all taken care of. I am reassured.
After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and of probate in your favour for the movement of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.There is no risk involved at all in this matter, as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.
*Megalodon is riding an imaginary jet ski around the room*
Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.
Whoa whoa whoa, I only get 40% of the Nineteen millions? That's like, uh...way fewer jet skis than I was expecting!
I'm not stupid, Mr. Lee. I know how business works. We're haggling here, right? That's just your low-ball opening offer, right?
I'll include my counter-offer in my reply to this e-mail.
Should you be interested please send me your;
1, Full names:
2, Private phone number:
3, Current residential address:
Well that all seems perfectly reasonable to me. I'll do that at once.
And finally after that i shall provide you with more details of this operation.
I would give you more details of the Late Mr.Gerald in my next correspondence with you once I have received the required details from you.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.Wish you a blessed week.
Hey isn't that strange? Mr. Lee ended his e-mail with the word "blessed," just like Isabella Carmel did.
I'm working on my reply right now. I'll let you guys know when I get a response.
P.S. Just so you know, as soon as I get my money I'm never coming to this blog again.