Since most of you think I am a self-absorbed ass clown, you are only 95% correct, and I figured I would enlighten you all. The other part of me is deeply emotional, and self-destructive. Fortunately, I usually have hockey to take my mind off things. When I don’t have that, I typically am at work. Seeing how I am (mostly) unemployed and there is another glorious lockout thanks to our very own Hypnotoad, Gary, I now blog here to entertain you bunch of burnouts. It is a sad, sad existence. Worst of all, I can barely form a sentence together without having that dickhead paperclip on Word yell at me or ask if I would like to switch my language setting to Swedish. So without further ado, a look into a day of mine:
10:37AM – Wake up in puddle of own vomit. Debate whether or not I should go for a run. Decide not to, and grab an old bucket of KFC chicken from under my vomit soaked bed.
10:45 – Walk past refrigerator. Resist temptation to day drink.
10:47 – Log on to blog (yay!). Read hate mail. Get confused by Spade.
11:19 – Begin "Hooked on Phonics" lesson of the day. Grow frustrated. Throw out.
11:22 – Give in to temptation of day drinking. Run out of beer. Begin to drink rubbing alcohol.
11:30 – Turn on Adventure Time marathon.
12:17PM – Black out (estimated time).
2:33 – Wake back up. Vomit puddle has returned. Decide that I am bound to vomit again so disregard changing clothes.
2:35 – Fire up "NHL 2009". Score a hat trick with Patrick O’Sullivan. Wonder what happened to him. Look up POS and feel a bit better about my own life.
|2011 - Patrick O`Sullivan||23||2||2||4||-4||2||0||0||0||Oh yeah
What a stud.
3:56 – Turn on ESPN. They have preseason NBA games on. Attempt to watch.
3:57 – Give up efforts.
4:08 – Begin drug binge. Running out of paint to huff and decide a trip to the store is in order.
4:33 – Get to the store after a long walk of four blocks. When attempting to purchase paint my credit card is declined. Feel deep sadness. Possibly shame.
5:17 – Find cholesterol pills back at home. Wonder if hallucinations can be brought on with enough consumption.
5:20 – Vomit again. This time consciously.
5:31 – Decide to go for a walk to clear mind. That and I am pretty sure that if I stop moving I will fall asleep and die.
5:50 – Get stopped by homeless man. He offers a sexual favor for twenty dollars. Consider, but ultimately decide against as I have heard about a new case of super gonorrhea. Homeless man becomes irate. He begins advances in threatening/seductive manner. I flee.
6:02 – Begin to blackout after hiding in dumpster. It appears I should have decided on running these past mornings.
Time? Dark – Awake once more and my old friend, puddle of unconscious vomit, has reappeared. New friend, used condom, also has made presence known on the side of my face. Attempt to leave dumpster. Few first tries bring little success. Eventually escape.
9:18 – Return home. Scrounge for food, yet only find expired yogurt. Eat anyways. Wash down with more rubbing alcohol and blood thinning pills.
9:41 – Decide to post blog. Read Jer’s recent post. Try to think of witty comment to add. Fail. Begin writing this.
10:20 – Start proofreading for glaring grammatical and spelling errors.
10:25 – Give up and figure no one will notice. Blackout while feeling vomit coming back up. Have a last second idea for a retort to Jer. Forget.