Here's how this is going to work: I'm going to talk a whole bunch about Jurassic Park, and you're going to like it. Then if there's time, I'll talk about hockey a little bit. If you're in a big hurry you might want to skip right to the part where you jump up your own ass.
For many years, Jurassic Park was my favorite film. And although other movies have since taken its central place in my heart and pushed it down to my 6th-favorite, it is still the film that best captures the pure joy I felt as a kid watching a movie.
I could go on and on about all the things that make Jurassic Park a great movie, but I'll focus on the aspects of it that most appealed to me as a child, and that still resonate with me today:
#1 - DINOSAURS
I don't want to brag, but I was REALLY into dinosaurs when I was a little kid. I know a lot of kids are, but I can safely say that I was a bigger fan than most. I had a huge bucket full of dinosaur toys, read tons of dinosaur books, and knew all their names. When I found out that there was a movie that had REAL DINOSAURS in it I lined up immediately to get a ticket, despite being too young to drive to the theater or even really understand how buying a movie ticket worked.
#2 - EXCITING
Jurassic Park is a very exciting movie. There are lots of intense sequences and thrilling set-pieces (Remember the raptors in the kitchen? Or the car in the tree? Oh man!). The excitement was deepened by the fact that major characters in the movie are not invincible. This was refreshing to me as child raised on cartoons where no one important ever really got hurt. I was genuinely stunned when my favorite character in the movie, Muldoon*, was *SPOILER ALERT!* killed by raptors. And remember when Timmy got all fucked up from the electric fence? That sure was shocking.
My point is, Jurassic Park was just about the most exciting movie my tiny brain could possibly have handled without suffering serious damage.
(* = Muldoon was the guy I always played as in the incredible Jurassic Park board game.)
#3 - DINOSAURS!!
Dinosaurs are so cool. They're like monsters, but better because they were REAL. If someone wants to set up a kickstarter for a real-life version of Jurassic Park I will sell my own dick and give you the profits.
God damn do I love dinosaurs.
After the jump we'll begin the awkward transition into talking about tonight's dinosaur-free hockey game.
It brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Dave from Dave's Geeky Hockey, which we've previously mentioned on Battle of California, has the honor of being the first Google search result for "Jurassic Park" + "hockey" with this:
(This jersey design actually appears on Dave's old site, Dave's Geeky Ideas, and is nowhere to be found on his new hockey-focused site. Get your stuff organized, Dave!)
I love the idea of a Jurassic Park hockey jersey, obviously, but I'm not a huge fan of the execution here. The light grey isn't visually appealing or very suggestive of the movie (I know it's the color of the jeep but who sees these colors and thinks Jurassic Park?), so I would lose it. The park logo has to be the centerpiece, and I think it would look good on a solid-black jersey with red and yellow stripes (red and black is overdone but those are the signature colors of Jurassic Park). If you don't want to use black then the best option is the crazy ugly colors and pattern from the park's automated cars, which are much more memorable and identifiable with the film.
Alright, I guess we should talk about tonight's hockey game for a while, huh? Not everything in life can be dinosaur-related......yet.
According to the odds as a I write this, the Sharks have a 79.1% chance of making the playoffs. They're coming off a convincing win over the Colorado Avalanche, which featured strong play from the Sharks up and down the roster, Joe Pavelski continuing his one-man holy war against the Avs, and Dan Boyle becoming the first undrafted hobbit defenseman to score 500 points.
The Ducks, meanwhile, have their percentage chance of making the playoffs listed as "No."
Unfortunately the Ducks are too stupid to believe in tanking in order to improve their draft picks. Their coach continues to push them to win and even seems to want them to try to keep the Sharks out of the playoffs, which seems a bit rude.
This is the last game of the season for the Sharks that isn't against one of the teams they are battling for the division title. This is the last game that doesn't effectively count for "double" in the standings. But they can't take their foot off the gas, even a little bit. Every single point is critical.
Go Sharks! Aside from dinosaurs, you're the best animals ever!
Prediction: The Ducks are the lawyer who hides in the bathroom. The Sharks are the Tyrannosaurus Rex.