Kings Gameday: How To Be A Hockey Rink Cool Guy

Wrist guards? What a pussy. (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)


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So I kind of mentioned it this weekend, but I've started skating out now instead of playing goal. Why? None of your goddamn business, that's why. ...My knees are all fucked up, ok? I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I recently went to our local hockey store to get all the gear I needed in order to skate out. I used to play hockey with one of the guys that worked there so he showed me around and gave me advice. More importantly, he gave me tips on what to buy so I don't look like a dingus at the rink. And now, I pass them off to you:

Shin pads- No one gives a fuck, just buy whatever. Also, buy leg tape because you're going to need it after like 2 months.

Elbow pads- Buy the smallest pads possible. "But what if I fall and hurt my-" what are you, a pussy?

Hip pads- Whatever you buy, you're supposed to cut the insides to give yourself more movement. It'll make you more susceptible to pucks, but like I said... what are you, a pussy?

Gloves- Me: So what kind of gloves should I get?

Guy: Well, these are the gloves I use. They don't have too much protection but they let give you a lot of movement. I mean, they make these gloves, which'll protect your wrists from chops and stuff, but...

Me: But...

Guy: *shrugs

Helmet- Buy a black one. White ones are for girls. You're not a girl, are you?

Oh, and concussions are bad. Apparently you get them by playing like a dickhead. So as long as I don't play like a dickhead I'm cool, right?

Oh, and MAKE SURE you take your ear guards out. God help you if you don't.

Oh, and he told me that most guys should take off their cage but I should keep mine on since I was so pretty. ...That was weird. I am pretty, though.

Shoulder pads- He gave me shoulder pads that are for children. That seems bad. Is that bad? I guess as long as I look cool...

Bag- This is surpisingly tricky but basically the harder it is to carry, the cooler you are. Carried bag>Backpack bag>rolling bag. Man, if you have a rolling bag...

Skates- I already had some skates, but just FYI: buy small. Also, your mom doesn't think you call enough. For shame.

Stick- Picking my other gear? Took 10 minutes. Then he literally talked to me for 20 minutes about picking the right hockey stick for me. How much whip, how long, how to tape it. Fuck, dude, I just need the one that curves left.

So now I'm all set! Also, I'm going to die. At least I'll make a cool corpse!

***

Jurassic Park came out when I was 8. The weekend it came out, my dad took my brother to a midnight showing but I wasn't allowed to go because it was too late. I had to go later that weekend with my mom and my sister. I'm telling you this so that when my master plan comes to fruition and my whole family is lying at the bottom of the ocean, you'll know why.

Prediction: Oh right, stretch run, do-or-die, etc. Kings win, 2-1. Goals by Kopitar & Carter.

Oh, and I asked him if I needed everything to match. He said no, because then it looked like I tried to match. Being cool is hard work.

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