Sharks Waitday: Hockey Love Astrology

A virgin and two crabs.

The Sharks and Blues get underway on Thursday, and hockey journalists around the world are doing their best to predict how the series will play out. There are a variety of methods we can use to get an idea of what to expect in the first round from these two teams. The best predictor of which team will prevail is probably the regular season series between St. Louis and San Jose. How did that go again?

Oh. Well the regular season games between these two teams don't really matter anymore, obviously. Any idiot knows that.

A far better statistic to use to anticipate which team will emerge victorious is 5 on 5 goal differential. That's a measurement that truly reflects how "good" a team is.

Team 5-5 F/A
2nd Blues 1.34
9th Sharks 1.10

I, uh...hmmm. Shoot.

Well you know what? The playoffs are really all about goaltending. The Sharks have a Stanley Cup-winning goalie on their roster, so undoubtedly this is an area where San Jose has the edge -

Team GA/G
1st Blues 1.89
8th Sharks 2.50

What the hell? That's not even fair.

Maybe if we look at more advanced statistics? What about Fenwick Close?

Team FW/CLOSE
1st Blues 55.07
7th Sharks 52.19

I've never liked advanced stats anyways. It's nerd stuff, that's what I've always said!

Well so far, uh, things haven't looked too good for the Sharks. Maybe I should -

Wait, I know! We'll compare the number of sex offenders that live near each team's arena, and see if...

Oh god damn it.

You know what? To hell with stats. Who needs them? In tough times like these when everything is on the line, you've got to find something you can rely on without fail.

For me that's astrology.

To REALLY figure out who is going to win this playoff series, we'll need to look to the stars (pun!) and determine which team has the Zodiacal edge. Every goal is going to be key in this match-up (the Blues don't score a lot of goals but they allow even fewer) so a lot depends on the performance of the top lines and defensive pairings.

Ultimately whether a line produces results depends on chemistry, so I'm going to use the advanced scientific tool found at mylovecal.com to rate the compatibility of the line and defensive partners for the Blues and the Sharks. And before you start to scoff at using a "love calculator" to predict a hockey game, let me reassure you with this quote from the site itself:

My love calculator, just like any other love calculator, tries to give you a score on your love compatibility with another person. However unlike other numerious love calculators, we put high emphasis on the quality and accuracy of our results.

See? This is way better than all those other numerious love calculators.

And if you need further proof of the site's accuracy, check out the compatibility rating for Logan Couture and Jamie McGinn.

So just shut your mouth, skeptics, and let's get started.

Sharks Top Line

Joe Pavelski - 7/11/84 (Cancer, Rat)

Joe Thornton - 7/2/79 (Cancer, Goat)

Patrick Marleau - 9/15/79 (Virgo, Goat)

Joe Pavelski and Joe Thornton - Love Score: 61%

Cancer individuals are very sensitive and are easily hurt (although they rarely show it)

This is really true about Thornton. Remember how last season after the Sharks were eliminated we found out his finger had been basically held on with tape for a couple of months?

Joe Pavelski and Patrick Marleau - Love Score: 69%

Virgo will appreciate Cancer's love and caring and in return will give commitment.

Pavelski definitely seems like a caring guy to me.

Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau - Love Score 69%

Due to Virgo's perfectionism, if Crab does something wrong the Virgin can be very sarcastic, which Crab does not appreciate.

Haha imagine Patrick Marleau (Virgin) trying to be sarcastic.

So it seems like the chemistry between Patrick, Joe, and Joe all depends on Marleau keeping his stinging wit under control, so as not to hurt the sensitive feelings of the Joes. As long as that happens, this line should have success.

Blues Top Line

Alexander Steen - 3/1/84 (Pisces, Rat)

Patrik Berglund - 6/2/88 (Gemini, Dragon)

T.J. Oshie - 12/23/86 (Capricorn, Tiger)

Alexander Steen and Patrick Berglund - Love Score: 54%

A typical Gemini doesn't seek very deep care and loving from anyone, since the twins usually enjoy a lot of attention and need not commitment. For the Fish, however, loving and caring touch means life, and commitment is just a way of being.

Patrik Berglund needs not commitment! Away with your clinging fins, Fish!

Alexander Steen and T.J. Oshie - Love Score: 94%

When the two are put together, the Sea Goat will provide the stability and security, whilst the Fish will bring in the passion and romance.

Oh hell, 94%?!? These dudes are probably kissing each other 24/7. If not they certainly SHOULD be.

T.J. Oshie and Patrik Berglund - Love Score: 59%

Capricorn will often be left jealous and unhappy by Gemini's flirtatious nature and Gemini will feel that the goat is way too predictable and boring.

Damn Berglund why are you such a flirt? Can't you see that T.J. loves you?

The extraordinary Steen-Oshie connection is clearly the engine that drives this threesome. Frankly I think it's a bit silly that Berglund is included at all.

We're done with the top lines, and that 94% Love Score looks frightening. Hopefully the Sharks can get an edge from their defense.

Sharks Top Defensive Pair

Marc-Edouard Vlasic - 3/30/87 (Aries, Rabbit)

Dan Boyle - 6/12/76 (Gemini, Dragon)

Marc-Edouard Vlasic and Dan Boyle - Love Score: 83%

Both like to explore, with ram's enthusiasm and twins' energy the two will definitely open many new horizons and enjoy their time to the fullest.

That sounds nice.

Blues Top Defensive Pair

Carlo Colaiacovo - 1/27/83 (Aquarius, Dog)

Alex Pietrangelo - 1/18/90 (Capricorn, Snake)

Carlo Colaiacovo and Alex Pietrangelo - Love Score: 61%

Whilst Capricorn is very goal-oriented and consistent, Aquarius is an explorer and never keeps concentrated on one subject for too long.

So Capricorn is very goal-oriented? Makes sense. Pietrangelo does have 12 goals (Colaicovo only has 2).

See, astrology doubters? Explain THAT.

We're all set now, all we have to do is average all four Love Scores for each team:

Sharks Top Five Love Score: (61+69+69+83)/4 = 70.5%

Blues Top Five Love Score: (54+94+59+61)/4 = 67%

Hooray!

That settles that, everyone. While the Blues may have the edge in terms of chemistry on their top line, the solid love connection between Boyle and Vlasic will lead the Sharks to victory in the series.

And that's SCIENCE, folks.

Series Prediction: To make my predictions during this series, I will be using the "Love Oracle" on cafeastrology.com. All I have to do is concentrate on the question I want answered and the Love Oracle will use "Cartomancy (the symbolism of playing cards)" to tell me what will happen.

Here we go:

Question 1: How many games will this series take?

Answer: 6 of spades (though technically the first few answers I got (Queen of hearts, 2 of hearts, ace of spades, 9 of clubs, 10 of diamonds, ace of diamonds, 3 of clubs, king of hearts, ace of diamonds, 10 of spades, jack of hearts, jack of hearts, 9 of spades, 9 of diamonds, eight of spades, and six of clubs) didn't provide a possible number of games for this series, so I had to discard them)

So we know the series will be over in six games - but who will win?

Question 2: Will the Sharks win the series?

Answer: Jack of Diamonds

You dealt the Jack of Diamonds!

A Jack describes a person—either the person you are thinking about, a person very involved with the situation, or someone new entering your life in the near future.

The Jack of Diamonds indicates a person who brings news, generally negative, but relatively minor in significance. You may receive some bad news, but nothing of major consequence!

....

Ah, who the hell believes in astrology anyway, right?

Sharks in 6!

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