Spooky! (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)
Let's go ahead and pull back the veil a little bit, Kings fans; our counterparts, those who cheer for the Canucks, are terrible. We know this. They complain and whine and can't understand why people couldn't like a team that features Alex Burrows, Ryan Kesler, and Roberto Luongo.
And yet, the other day, even I was shocked at how horrible they are. I was reading Nucks Misconduct and I read the single most ridiculous sentence in the history of words. It will blow your mind, rendering you unable to type until 10 AM in the morning (which is why this post is a little late). Are you ready? I don't think you're ready. Well, whatever, I don't care about you. Look!
That's Stephen King — arguably the greatest novelist of all-time —
Are you goddamn kidding me? Stephen King??? He's not the greatest novelist of the airport newsstand. Stephen King is terrible. Every fucking story of his has himself in it, there's always some slow kid that has magical powers, and you run the risk of reading about a preteen gangbang at some point.
Plus, he thought The Shining sucked. What the hell is wrong with him? The only good thing he's ever done is Langoliers and that was only good because of Balky. Stephen King is so shitty that he made a movie with Morgan Freeman, Jason Lee, Tom Sizemore, Tom Jane, Damian Lewis, and Timothy Olyphant suck. How is that even possible? Fuck Stephen King.
Besides, we all know Michael Crichton is the greatest novelist of all-time.
Prediction: Oh what a surprise, the main character has an alcohol problem.