Kings Gameday: The 'Burbs

"Officer, can you at least wait until after the game before demanding to see my ID?" (Photo by Joern Pollex/Bongarts/Getty Images)


Next Game




So the glorious metropolitan city has to lower itself to face their ugly, misbegotten neighbor. Said neighbor has been twisted by jealousy of their more fortunate neighbor and desperately wants to win this hockey series to get a measure of revenge to somehow justify their horrible, rotten existence.

Despite that, I still think the Rangers will win in 6 games.

A few reasons why Phoenix sucks, to prep you for what's to come:

-They're a bunch of East Coasters and Canadians who moved to Arizona and were shocked, shocked I say, at all the Mexicans there

-They continue to vote for Sheriff Joe Arpaio, probably the most racist cop in America

-He's like Italian or something so where does he get off

-They think it's funny to put Mexicans criminals in pink underwear oh and also to make them bake in 110 degree heat with shit food and poor healthcare

-They also headquarter the University of Phoenix, which probably exploits poor Mexicans more than Arpaio does

-Phoenix desperately tries to follow in LA's footsteps but at the same time they're incredibly jealous that they'll never be quite as good as us

-They're basically Jews who, after 39 years, decided, "Ah fuck it, this is good enough."

-It's hot

-They provide a stable supply of elementary school teachers and ex-comm majors for me to have sex with when I go to Vegas

-There are probably a bunch of dudes in Phoenix mad at me for fucking their girlfriends; sorry, losers

-Luis Gonzalez was a cheating steroids abuser who stole glory from righteous American Shawn Green

-Kurt Warner was religious, which is like taking steroids

-Steve Nash doesn't eat sugar, which is the best steroid; fuck you Steve Nash

-"Phoe" = "Fee?" I call bullshit

-Remember John McCain? Don't worry, he probably doesn't either

-It's the 33rd most walkable city in the US; this is the most interesting fact about Phoenix

-Phoenix stinks, and I hate it!

-Not really, the rest of a country gives less of a shit about Phoenix than Phoenix does about its sports teams

'Prediction: Kings win, 3-2. Game-winning goal by Alec Martinez. Take that, Arpaio!

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