Drew Doughty will be hosting his 2nd annual Grand Slam For Cancer this weekend in his hometown of London, Ontario. It's an event that pits police officers, firefighters, local players against NHL superstars such as Zac Rinaldo and Nazem Kadri.
But who gives a fuck, the important thing is that Drew Doughty is going to be on a team with Logan Couture, Corey Perry, and Wayne Simmonds! This team, Team BoC, will obviously be the highlight of the weekend. I went ahead and made up a bunch of stuff that's going to happen but we'll just pretend it's real, OK?
-Drew Doughty and Logan Couture will insist on being pitcher and catcher. They will practice long into the night.
-Corey Perry will play the position that all douche bags play, that of "baseball player."
-Wayne Simmonds will play center field and bat 3rd. He'll be the best player in the tournament, causing this sentence to be uttered numerous times: "Well of course he's so good, he's... from Toronto."
-Doughty & Couture will make everyone uncomfortable when Doughty responds to a banal quip from Couture with, "Well then why don't you go hang out with Jamie McGinn some more!!!"
-In a surprise upset, cancer wins the championship.
-A softball will roll towards Corey Perry; when a local softball player asks Perry to throw him the ball back, Perry will instead throw it in the opposite direction. The local player will ask, "Dude, do you have to be a dick all the time?" to which Perry will tearfully admit that in fact yes, he does.
-Wow, that was a great catch by Simmonds. And he stretched a simple roller to the outfield into a double? Geez.
-The event won't be nearly as fun as everyone thinks when they realize that, for the first time, they're playing softball sober.
-Dustin Brown will be delivering food & clothes to a needy family; maybe if he organized that into a tournament people would give a shit.
-Zac Rinaldo will wander Olympic Village, asking confused Olympians where the softball tournament is being held.
-Haha, imagine Perry's spindly little arms holding a bat. I imagine him holding it like pitchers did in Ken Griffey Baseball.
-The event will be abandoned by Doughty after people won't stop asking him, "Hey, so did you rape that girl or what?"