Lenny Palumbo's Internal Monologue While He Shops For Groceries

(We're going into the mind of a deranged man so reader discretion is advised.)

Where the fuck are the goddamn eggs? What kind of world is it where an honest hard-working AMERICAN like Lenny Palumbo can't find the fucking eggs? There are these queer egg substitutes "Egg Beaters" more like "gay eggs" hahaha that was a good one I should write that down. I'm going to lose it where the fuck are the eggs where the fuck's the store staff. Can't ask him, fucker probably doesn't speak English. Where are the whi- regular people in this store? Oh great, a woman.

"Hey, you! Where are the eggs?"

"Right there, sir, two feet to your right."

"Oh. ...They should be higher on the shelf."

"I'll let my manager know that, sir."

...Bitch. Bet she doesn't talk to her husband like that oh who am I kidding of course she does, he's probably one of those namby pamby liberal fucks.

Ok, fruit, better buy some fruit. What kind of fruit, banan- DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK- no, bananas are gay. Not like me, Lenny Palumbo! Peaches, that's what I'll buy, they're like vaginas. Guys who eat vaginas are pussies, no real man would do that I think Sheila was crying in the bathroom last night, wonder why.

Fuck fruit, only queers eat fruit. I'll buy meatballs, those are manly. Those big scrumptious balls in my- I'll buy hamburger.

OK, now the most important part. Vodka? Pfft, only homos drink vodka before they have their big gay orgies with all those bodies wri- a real man drinks whiskey. No I'll get scotch, that's like manly whiskey. I wish I liked scotch.

Alright, time to check out. Not going to that guy, he looks like a homo to me. I bet he sucks a lot of cock. I bet he'd suck my cock. I bet he'd just love to slide his tongue along my- fucking queer! I bet he wants to see Magic Mike I want to see Magic Mike NO I DON'T!!! Fuck that guy, I hate him!!!

Now I'll just get in line and oh great look at this welfare queen. I remember back in the good ol' days when- does she have a platinum card? That's bullshit, I can't get one of those. It's all that one guy's fault, I would have paid off that loan if it wasn't for that stupid banker probably Jewish.

This fucker better take my coupon if he doesn't I'm going to flip out these fuckers don't know who they're messing with I'M LENNY PALUMBO

"Here you are Mr. Palumbo, you saved $4.35 with us today."

"Oh, uh, thanks."

Yeah that's right, it's a good to know that the oppressed middle-aged white male can still get some respect every once in a while. That guy was nice, I bet he hated that black lady in front of me too. I should have given him the nod to let him know I was wise. I wonder if he was gay.

Alright, now I just need to drive home and oh hey look a rest stop- DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK

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