Team USA Gameday: Australia Is Not A Real Place

Let's put that shrimp on the barbie! (Photo by Hamish Blair/Getty Images)

Have any of you ever seen proof that Australia is a real place? I mean, really seen it? I'm a skeptic by nature, and I'm calling bullshit on this "country" of Australia.

Like, if someone came up to you one day and said, "Hey, there's a place where mammals carry their babies in a pouch on their stomach and there's 6 types of trees that will fucking sting you and all the people there sound drunk and the most cherished song in the whole nation is about a guy who steals a sheep and then drowns himself in a billabong," you'd think that person was fucking crazy, right? There's no way that place exists.

Look at the things they're trying to pawn off as real. A bird that doesn't fly, really? What does it do, run? Ridiculous. They stick some dumbo ears on a rat and try to pass it off as a new animal that's nocturnal and eats meat? Get the fuck out of here. And c'mon, this thing? Do you think I'm stupid? That's an obvious photoshop.

"But Rudy," your voice squeaks (haha, your voice squeaked), "I've met an Australian before!" Uh-huh, sure you did. You met a person who claimed he was from Australia. There's a difference. "Australians" are drunk Englishmen. Think about it: do you think a person who calls a suit a "bag of fruit" has all his mental faculties? I don't think so, duder. It's just like how the "Portugese" language is just Spanish spoken by someone with a chest cold. The signs are there.

Here's my theory: right when the American colonies started getting a little antsy, the British suddenly "discovered" a new colony and started talking big about how they were going to send people there. The Americans called their bluff and kicked some British ass in a little thing called the An Shi Rebellion, though, and now the British were stuck having to carry on their lie. That lie? Australia.

But why don't the British come clean? Well, quite frankly... they think it's funny. Do you think Kangaroo Jack was earnestly trying to be funny? No, they were fucking with us. Crocodile Dundee is the greatest comedian in British history and Steve Irwin... well, let's just say he wanted to expose the truth. It's the biggest scam perpetuated by the British on the American public, nudging out the whole "we drive on the right side of the road" thing and dentistry.* For far too long we Americans have been the butt of their jokes! Open your eyes, America, and see the truth!

*Willem or some shit: Can you believe it, they actually think cleaning their teeth does anything! Hut hut, cheerio!
Reginald probably: British Slang!
(*clink!)

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