THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE
As your teams prepare for the opening face-off of the
2012-2013 season, we knew damn well that you would come back thank you for your patience and we got a bit more money at everyone’s expense apologize to you for the time we’ve missed. From today forward, we will try to placate you besides the fact we wasted about four months do everything we can to make this season worth the wait.
We are committed to earning
the most fucking money possible even if we act like stupid assholes back your trust and support the same way it’s earned on the ice: by giving you free cheap shit and pandering ice "thank you"s with hard work and unwavering determination. Your money cheers drive us forward, and we’re committed to do this same exact thing in several more years when we realize we could use a yacht or another wing to our house making you proud to be a chump fan – by giving you a shortened, condensed sprint of a season so we can grab some more cash still delivering a game with the action, skill and the intensity you deserve.
Like you, we’ve missed
collecting checks NHL hockey. We’ve missed making insane revenues while having a salary cap we placed in the league the clutch goals, giving out huge contracts and then backtracking on them the big hits, being gigantic douchebags in Minnesota the electrifying saves. We’ve missed cash registers flashing 300 dollars for a jersey the flash of the red light, charging you nine dollars for a soda the sound of the siren, and the fact you idiots will pay fifteen dollars for a Coors Light! way the building shakes when the home team scores except in empty places like Phoenix and Columbus.
It’s time to focus on the best athletes in the world, on the enduring greatness of the game, and – above all – on the connection that binds fans, players and families everywhere
because we really need you to come back to make some more cash, and that new Audi A8 won’t pay for itself you know. NHL hockey is the most lucrative best hockey in the world. The future will probably have another lockout in store once we realize we could make more money by not having live games and just throwing games from the 80s up on the video boards while charging you suckers to attend is incredibly bright. So let’s drop the cash on a ticket plan puck and marvel at there will probably be sellouts across the league all the remarkable things the dickhead, money demanding, lemmings players do with it.
your money and laughing about it respect and appreciation,
The National Hockey League
As if you forgot or didn’t care that your favorite team was back, and totally didn’t realize they were going to do cool shit anyways on top of the fact they need to buy back your forgiveness like a divorced parent that forgot your birthday [slightly formatted line about local team]. We pray, but really already know you will hope you’ll get in on the action. And again, HAHAHA you fucking losers! You’ll always take us back! thank you.