Our long international nightmare is over.
Today, the closest thing our generation will ever experience to the Vietnam War is at an end.
We've seen a great deal of blame being thrown around in these past few agonizing months, but it's important to give credit where credit is due - and credit for the end of the lockout is due to Satan.
All those prayers made at midnight in the black woods. All those sigils drawn in blood. All those babies I sacrificed - it was all worth it.
Because TODAY, the lockout is over.
I mean I was probably going to sacrifice those babies anyways, but I'm glad it was for a good cause.
Thanks, Devil. You're a real stand-up guy.
In recognition of his service to the sport of hockey, I recommend that the NHL immediately fire Gary Bettman and name Lucifer himself the new league commissioner.
He couldn't be any WORSE, right?