Can you believe it's already been a whole year since Dunn and Jer joined Battle of California?
It's incredible, but it's true. Time sure does fly.
Yes it was one full year ago today that Jer posted his first official article on the site. Like so many of his pieces that would follow, his first one was based on a halfway-clever idea but wasn't executed very elegantly, and the whole thing ended up being a little lame. It also didn't get very many recs, which became a recurring theme that Jer explored during his year at BoC.
Dunn didn't post his first piece until a few days after Jer, on October 30th, 2012. I'm not exactly sure what took him so long, but I can say with certainty that he didn't spend those extra days editing the article. Dunn would continue to post poorly-organized and shoddily-edited pieces for an entire year, and I guess somewhere along the way he thought he had just convinced everyone that these errors were part of his personal "style."
Yes, the past year has been a whole lot of fun, but all good things have to come to an end. Today, after 365 days of Jer and Dunn, it's time to let them in on the joke.
Jer, Dunn, I hope you're sitting down while you read this.
It's time to tell you both the truth: this whole past year has been an elaborate prank we've been playing on the two of you. The whole thing, from the fake hiring process up through all your articles all the way until today, was just a gag. All of the Battle of California readers have been in on the joke all along, and everyone has just been pretending to enjoy your articles. Every "rec," every Twitter follower, every comment praising your work...it was all just an elaborate ruse. A Truman Show-style fake-out. A good old-fashioned prank.
And you both fell for it. Hard.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of the loyal readers out there who helped me fool Dunn and Jer into thinking they were actually good enough to write for Battle of California. I know at first some of you were dubious about whether they would buy it. I even had some doubts myself. Could ANYONE really be dumb enough not to realize how horrible their articles were? Couldn't they see how dramatically, cartoonishly worse they were than Earl and Rudy?
But in the end, it all worked out more fantastically than I could have hoped. It turns out that the human capacity for self-delusion is more impressive than any of us realized. Jer and Dunn took the bait and let us toy with them for a full year! Amazing!
Anyways, starting tomorrow the joke is over. Jer and Dunn will both be stripped of their fake writer privileges and banned from the site. Jer, hopefully you can get your job back atFan Links Daily Post or whatever the hell that thing was, and Dunn, well...with luck you can find somewhere relatively warm to pass out, I guess.
After enjoying his year-long vacation, Earl will be back as the main Ducks writer very soon, which I'm sure will come as a huge relief to all the Ducks fans out there.
Unfortunately, Rudy WON'T be back with us, as he actually did die from that semen thing. That part wasn't a joke.
Dunn and Jer, you guys were a lot of fun. Hopefully you'll both be good sports about this.
Now get the hell out of here.
What's the deal with these guys' names, anyways? "Freddie" and "Dougie"? Come on. They aren't six-year-olds, are they? Because if they ARE, then that's adorable.
Prediction: The Sharks are from the West, the Bruins are from the East. I think we all know what's going to happen here, right?
Video Gamery: In keeping with the spirit of the elaborate trick we all played on Jer and Dunn, my 73rd-favorite video game is World of Illusion, a game for the Sega Genesis which starred Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck as magicians or something. Looking at videos of the game now it really doesn't seem that impressive but you have to remember that I was like eight years old when I played it and it was short enough that it was one of the first games I could ever actually beat from start to finish. So leave me alone, you bastards!
Here's a speed run that shows you the entire game, which is a pretty good video even though the dude is playing as Mickey rather than Donald, which is just dumb. Anyways, enjoy the cool music!