As you are aware of, I am a bit of a fashionista. Thus, you can understand my surprise, dismay, and disgust at the awful rag, Vanity Fair. They decided to put out a list of the most fashionable members of the National Hockey League. For one, they think they cover fashion when they clearly only report on Scientology related marriages. Second, they didn't ask for my opinion, which you are all certainly going to have to deal with now. Lastly, these no-ass little sluts have no taste. For example:
Boooooooriiiiing. Oh, nice suit Mr. Weber. Did Mike Fisher let you borrow one of his non-sex stained suits? You look like a newspaper ad for a local Men's Wearhouse.
Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators
Ooooooh...Shiny. Well, if this attempt was to act as a reflective surface, mission accomplished. No wonder Vanity Fair loved this. They probably just saw a mirrored image of themselves and were immediately sold on the look. In reality, Karlsson has a Behind the Candelabra futuristic look. Nice try, Robo-Liberace.
The name's Kog. Landeskog [cue 007 theme music]. Or maybe Gabriel should be dancing around to Stealers Wheel cutting off Ryan O'Reilly's ear. He's got the Mr. Blonde part down at least. Anyways, it's a total ripoff, and he should feel bad for being so unoriginal. Go kill yourself you little SKANK!
Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators
Hahahahaha look at this dweeb.
Sidney Crosby, greatest and, quite possibly, the only hockey player in existence
It's a list of hockey players. Did you really think Crosby was not going to be on here at some point? C'mon. His Sepia inspired tie brings out all the personality of Sepia tones. Mainly that they suck and are boring. Maybe you should stop staying over at Mario Lemieux's basement, and spend some more time at Moda. You don't deserve the nickname "Cindy".
Seriously? Brooks Laich? It's just a normal suit, maybe fitted. How in the hell did this schmuck even get considered-
Whatever you say, Mr. Laich. Yes. You are fashionable.
Matt Duchene, Colorado Avalanche
His suit is almost as dark as his attitude. Matt here looks like his mom is standing directly behind the photographers, demanding him to keep smiling. A preferable place for Matt seems to be just about anywhere but here given how much he is fucking slouching. Perhaps he has a dentist appointment he is being taken to right after this. If you keep giving me that look Mr. Duchene we ARE NOT stopping for Orange Julius on the way home.
Practical yes. But not always. Still, you have to give it up for Kesler for sticking with an organic all cotton outfit.
A fucking V-neck sweater? Get out of here. What is he going for? Trying to be a stand in for Daniel Tosh back in the summer of 2010? He's a set of thick-rimmed glasses and a mustache away from being a stereotypical hipster. Actually...
What else would you expect out of a guy named "Vinnie"?
Now I know the media loves Lundqvist for his undeniable hot Swedish meatballs, but this is a travesty putting him on this list for this outfit. He looks like he is attending the annual "Lumberjack Awards". His pants are clearly wrinkled right in the crotch region, though we can chalk that up to those meatballs again. Is this a homage to grunge music? Could he not wear an IKEA couch instead? Clearly, Henrik's goaltending in New York isn't the only thing that's slipping. AW SNAP. That's right. I went there.
Ugh. The Coyotes. Shockingly still in Phoenix. The Kings meanwhile blew a game against the Flames on home ice, taking six consecutive penalties. Darryl Sutter wants to shake things up, as he usually does following a loss, and has Mike Richards with Anze Kopitar and Justin Williams, while Dustin Brown drops down to a line with Jarret Stoll and Trevor Lewis. Jeff Carter gets punished and is now centering Dwight King and Matt Frattin. Not the best calls if it were me, but it's also only a practice. Also by the time you are reading this things could be back to how they were earlier this week, or completely different altogether. Whatever.
More interesting is the prospect of Alec Martinez moving to left wing. Jake Muzzin has been playing pretty decently lately, and Robyn Regehr never will leave the lineup, but Alec hasn't looked bad this season. Sutter may be dicking with us, but he may also seem to realize that the left side is a train wreck and that Martinez has been alright so far. I'd be all for trying it. It's either that or more of Daniel Carcillo and Dwight King. Odds are Sutter was just fucking around though, and if so, STOP MESSING WITH MY HEART, DARRYL.
Prediction: My girlfriend finally dumps me after reading about "meatballs".
More from Battle of California:
The 5 Funniest Hockey Tweets of the Week: Injured Jockey Edition
Ducks Gameday: 27 Slides of the Same Boring Photo of Phil Kessel
Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Tire Fires
Sharks Gameday: Childhood Fears
Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Still Backed Up