Way back when Battle of California first made the mistake of bring me on board, I had a post ready to go. It was about the New York Islanders and the news that they would be moving into the Barclays Center in Brooklyn in a few years. Rudy cleared it to go, but then nature changed plans. Hurricane Sandy showed up, completely fucking up New York, and they were in a state of disaster. I felt pretty bad having a post where I was giving Brooklyn crap when they were literally drowning in some. I changed my mind to run this post and pushed along my god awful official first post, which was originally done to test out SB Nation's editor. The one good thing that came out of that was I could only go up from there. Or so I thought, as I have routinely lowered the bar for hockey blogging, sports blogging in general, fashion blogging, and even fan-fiction (you're welcome, internet).
Luckily for me (and the fact I really don't care about offending people since that's our thing we do best here), now I can post this a year later than I had first intended. So here I present to you, without any editing, my first post ever (along with my commentary). God help you.
Hey. What the hell? This isn’t about the Kings at all! This is about the Islanders, which is actually something I am sure we can all agree sucks a massive amount of Long Chodeland (this actually makes it extremely wide also by rule of physical science and slang). But they are leaving the glorious shithole they called Nassau. And they are moving where? The Barclays Center? Fuck is that? Does it have anything to do with that loud fat guy that played basketball on those Weight Watchers commercials?
As you can see, I still start my posts with a very formal "hey". A rather ballsy move by myself as my first post had nothing to do with the team I was supposed to write about. "Long Chodeland" was not my best effort, admittedly. I immediately lose points for a basketball reference also.
As if named for trying to sound horrendously pretentious and obnoxious, it is actually an arena located in an area that IS horrendously pretentious and obnoxious. Brooklyn, New York! Sorry Kansas City, but the NHL finally realized relocating to another hot as hell metropolis that has no history with hockey may not be in their best interest currently.
Tongue in cheek, per usual with that last zinger. Zing!
Anyways, here is a quick rundown about the Barclays:
-It’s a bank.
This is accurate.
-It’s headquarters are where James Bond does most of his movies, at least for a bit.
I think I meant England.
-They have their name on the Premier League apparently.
Soccer reference. More points lost.
-That’s actually soccer or football or something.
Oh wait, I cleared that up. You already probably knew that anyways. *sigh* Anyways...
So the Islanders are now part of a global banking corporation that plays soccer in Britain. Good for John Tavares. He has a bright future as a bank teller getting slide tackled by the queen. What this has to do with Brooklyn is beyond me, but they got their name on a fancy new place there. After conducting another quick five second search on Google about this there are additional details coming to light:
Okay, before we go on any further I felt like the Queen slide tackling Tavares would be pretty damn awesome.
-The Nets now play there.
Also accurate, though there's basketball again.
-By 2014 there will be two god awful teams in Brooklyn.
Both made the playoffs last year. Whoops.
-Jay Z might be there also! He loves hockey.
Actually, Jay-Z was rumored to be interested in representing Seth Jones. Go figure.
-It is really going to suck watching hockey there because they didn’t plan on the Islanders moving in. Sort of like how I return home to my parents from time to time, and contribute nothing while clearing out the fridge and making a mess of the place for no one’s enjoyment but my own.
I'm a deadbeat asshole, in short.
-There is a club in the arena itself. What. The. Christ. I know STAPLES Center has a bar/lounge/douchebag corral upstairs where a few suites used to be, but good god Brooklyn. Sheesh.
I think this got remodeled this past year. Here's an excerpt from the Barclay's Center site itself:
Inspired by Jay Z himself, The Vault at Barclays Center was developed to reward customers with a higher level of sophistication and exclusivity in mind.
Comprised of only eleven suites and located on the discreet event level, The Vault is the most elite club in the country. Each Vault has its own private door entry, lounge seating, flat screen TV’s, and contemporary furniture, which promises to deliver the elegance and style that only Barclays Center has to offer.
So I think it actually got worse. There are still several "exclusive" clubs and bars in the arena.
-Another sponsor of the Barclays Center is Cushman & Wakefield. I can only assume they sell weed and throw knuckleballs. This is okay for the most part.
Baseball reference for good measure, along with some drug talk.
-Matt Moulson was on the Barclay’s Center website, so, you’re welcome jerks.
Up on the website now is "Disney on Ice: Let's Celebrate!" Kind of rough on Matt Moulson in my opinion.
If by now you are still reading, I am amazed and will wrap this up quickly. I at least drive a Honda, own an HP laptop, and buy all my office stuff from Staples (because Office Depot sucks). I largely do this because these are available to me (not because their names on arenas, I swear it's a coincidence).
Sorry to interrupt again. First off, nice bit of self-deprecation there, me. Good work! I don't really get the whole, "let me explain my consumer habits," bit but I now drive a Toyota, my current computer is a Toshiba, and I don't own office supplies because I don't have a real job. I don't know what SAP is responsible for. The Spanish programming button on remotes? Anyhow, sorry to interrupt.
So where is a Barclays at? Do normal people use Barclays? Is this another British attempt at assimilating our beautiful, supple 'Merica back into their aging, sagging empire? The one thing I can say with affirmation is that no one truly gives a shit outside of the few hundred people that are still alive from whenever the Islanders last won anything.
Ah yes. More zingers. Take that Britain! Take that New York! Well, this still sucks. Please take your head out of the oven.
Injuries, injuries, injuries. Jonathan Quick went down in overtime, Matt Greene is on long term injured reserve, Kyle Clifford is on injured reserve, and Jeff Carter has a broken foot. Enter Tanner Pearson and Martin Jones. Despite the injuries, the Kings still have some pretty good depth and Ben Scrivens has been pretty good so far. I'm not worried. Really, I'm not. I'm not crying. Shut up. Leave me alone.
Prediction: Pearson scores! Toffoli scores! Kings lose 3-2.
More from Battle of California:
Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Bullying
Ducks Gameday: Feedback
Sharks Gameday: Burns it all down!
The 5 Funniest Hockey Tweets of the Week: Helmet Theft Edition
Ducks Gameday: They ALL Hate Vancouver
Los Angeles Kings Gameday: Kanye Hates Vancouver
Sharks Gameday: Winnipeg or Russia?